25 Instant Turn Offs

1 You may think it's funny to fart in front of your ladyfriend, but we can guarantee that she will not be amused.

2 Any man who wears make-up is treading on seriously thin ice. You won't look like swordsman Russell Brand; you'll look like a great big girl.

3 It takes a lot of skill to apply fake tan evenly - and when men go wrong, they go really wrong, so don't do it.

4 Smelly feet may be a fact of life, but draw a line: wear clean cotton socks, alternate your foot clobber so you're not wearing the same pair of shoes every day and use talc and foot spray.

5 Don't go overboard when plucking stray hairs from between your eyebrows. You'll end up permanently having the 'surprised' look.

6 There's no point having a few stray hairs above your lip. If you can't grow a proper beard, just get over it.

7 Overpowering aftershave makes you come across like a 17 year old who's borrowed his dad's Old Spice, so go easy.

8 Blokes with shiny lips are scary. Try to stick to plain, unflavoured lip balm if you really have to use something.

9 But if you do have badly chapped, broken or occasionally bleeding lips, then be man enough to use it.

10 Women don't care whether it's from shaving, a viral infection or lice infestation: scabs on your chin - or anywhere else - will simply make them throw up a little bit of sick into their own mouth.

11 If you have wax-filled ears, clean them out. Otherwise, just as you're getting revved up, she'll spot them, feel ill and have to stop touching you immediately.

12 Don't plait your pubic hair. You think it looks neat, she thinks your cock hair looks like the head of her childhood doll. Not sexy.

13 Any bits of foreign matter in your hair makes girls retch - whether it's grease, dandruff or bits of old pie.

14 In an ideal world, you don't want to shave anywhere other than the face and neck. Stubbly hair regrowth on your back, arms, chest, legs or trunk-line will scratch her skin and get under her nails. Ouch!

15 Women like to see a man work up a sweat, but don't confuse this with body odor. You will not get laid if she's choking on your stink.

16 Dirty hair may be vaguely attractive on a drug-addled rockstar, but not on real people.

17 Unless you're an OAP, you really shouldn't have any visible nose hairs hanging out.

18 If you wax your eyebrows, firstly, what the fuck? But secondly, if you must, don't do too much. You'll look like David Gest.

19 Don't shave your arms. She'll never believe it's to make you more 'aerodynamic'. She'll think you're visiting 'special saunas'.

20 Brush your teeth in the morning and at night. This is the bare minimum of what you should do.

21 Dirty fingers are nasty. Put them in her mouth, and she'll gag; put them anywhere else and she'll run.

22 'Oh, Stacey,' you moan. Her name is actually Sophie.

23 Food in your bed as you throw back the covers will have her running through the door.

24 There should be no pizza, muck or dried sperm in your bellybutton.

25 If your arse is like a baboon's, then it is acceptable to shave, wax or hide it. It shouldn't be hairier than your head.