How to Have a Threesome!

DON'T, whatever you do, at any point, laugh.

DO allow the ladies to go at their own pace. Remember: you've been fantasising about this for your entire life. There's certainly no rush to get it over.

DON'T just have a threesome so you can brag to your mates. You might give them the wrong idea, and next time, they may want to join in too. Eek!

DO be absolutely sure to check with your missus and the third girl in question that they'd enjoy a threesome before randomly pulling a girl one night and bringing her back to your bed.

DON'T expect your missus to simply invite the first of her friends who answers the phone into your bed. The emphasis is on you, as a couple, to find a suitable bedmate.

DO be 100 per cent confident of everybody's name right from the start.

DON'T be late.

DO be totally honest from the word go. There's no point bragging about how you DO this sort of thing all the time if you've never even been alone in a room with two women before.

DON'T be so excited about having two girls in your bed that you, well, blow it...

DO take notes on how your two ladies choose to pleasure each other. Ladies, it is said, make love to each other how they wish men would make love to them. Capitalise on such an insight into the workings of the female body and mind.

DON'T insist on 'directing' the action as if you are making your own porn film. Unless, of course, you are. In which case: nice one!

DO allow your bedfellows to kiss, touch and talk to each other.

DON'T try to experience every aspect of your fantasies in a single sitting. If things go well, your ladies will almost certainly be back for seconds. Hooray!

DO feel free to shut them up, though, if they start banging on about shopping or Ugly Betty or something.

DON'T try to DO everything in the first two minutes. A threesome is not an all-you-can-eat buffet; it's a fine wine to be savoured.

DO make sure you draw the curtains - unless putting on a show is part of the fun.

DON'T be scared to tell your lovers what you like and what you Don't like. With more hands and fingers around than normal, fragile objects should be handled with even more care.

DO guide your two ladyfriends together.

DON'T forget that your extra friend may well be more experienced at this sort of thing than you. Don't boss her around, or else she'll be off, pronto!

DO try to watch more than you participate, give more than you take and be prepared to learn more than you teach. Try taking the 'feminine' role for a change. It's not as bad as it sounds - honest.

DON'T assume that you're in bed with a couple of lesbians. Far more likely, you are in bed with two bi-curious ladies. Wahey!

DO take into consideration that your missus is probably in it for the extra attention: the long, lingering kisses, the tender touches, the gentle probing investigation of unexplored spaces and the tranquil discovery of unimagined new pleasures. Unlike you, who probably just wants to do it so you can feel like a bit of a stud.

DON'T keep your socks on.

DO set some ground rules about what can be stuck where before you begin.

DON'T feel the need to take the role of tour guide, narrator, or ringleader. Allow events to occur naturally (or as naturally as nature intended three-in-a-bed to be) and it'll be a whole lot more fun.

DO take your time. Remember: no one is here for a quickie!

DON'T choose whose name to shout out at moment of ecstasy merely on who happens to be in your line of sight at the time. If in doubt, it's probably best to avoid shouting anyone's name out at all.

DO make sure things are nice and clean 'downstairs' before you begin.

DON'T forget that, even with bi-curiosity, women have emotion, not sex, on the brain. Half the fun for your missus will be the mental relationship she forms with your extra guest, not just the physical one. So no slagging anybody off, all right?

DO plan ahead. This time you're not just seducing one woman; you're seducing two. Dinner, candles, wine, kisses, cuddles, soft lighting - you're going to have to pull out all the stops to make sure everyone is feeling the pre-threesome love.

DON'T spend the entire time worrying that you've put on a bit of a beer belly. You're in bed with two gorgeous women, for God's sake!

DO tidy up your bedroom beforehand. Ladies appreciate a bit of effort.

DON'T drink so much beforehand that today of all days is the day you can't get it up. How could you live down such a wasted opportunity?

DO brush your teeth before kissing anybody.

DON'T think that you're some sort of perv for wanting two women at once. A threesome with two women is the most common male sexual fantasy there is. You're in good company!

DO ensure that it's a female/female/male threesome you've signed up for and not a female/male/male one - unless that's what you were after. Our only advice for the latter is to hope your new buddy will also be reading this copy of Maxim.

DON'T try out anything on your new ladyfriend that you haven't already done with your regular partner. This isn't the time for surprises or doing things with the second girl that your girlfriend won't let you do.

DO make the entire experience as non-threatening as possible. We all know you'd be up for threesomes until the cows come home, but it's your lady who you've got to persuade to come back for more.

DON'T pull out your mobile halfway through and start video-messaging your mates.

DO mind your manners throughout.

DON'T forget that your three-in-a-bed experiences should ultimately improve your two-in-a-bed romps. Seeing what turns your lady on when you have no hand in it can prove a potential gold mine.

DO remember that that the real secret is for you and your lady to focus your joint attention on your new bed companion and not on your own pleasure. You wouldn't have invited her around to dinner and then scoffed two plates in front of her without offering her any, would you?

DON'T get any funny ideas about inviting your new friend back when your missus is out. There are three in this relationship and that's how it should stay!

DO remember that, apparently, the most likely type of woman to have a threesome is a single mother. No wonder babysitters are so hard to find these days!

DON'T necessarily kick lady number two out of bed straight afterwards. But remember, you're not The Three Bears - so have somewhere for her to sleep separately afterwards.

DO practise safe sex throughout. Fathering two children by two different women on the same night is going to take a hell of a lot of explaining.

DON'T assume, if by some lucky chance you've gone on the pull and ended up in a bed with two girls, that it's OK for you to stay the night snuggled between two pairs of breasts after the shenanigans are over. At least offer to sleep on the sofa.

DO remember to say please and thank you.

DON'T be fooled into thinking a girlfriend/her mother threesome is as good as it sounds.