Phone Sex Masterclass

1 If you live at home, ensure your parents are either out or asleep. No one wants to hear your mother calling you for dinner mid sex chat. If this does happen, shout ‘I’m coming!’, as opposed to ‘Yes, mummy!’.

2 Phone sex is all about imagination. Acting out the fantasy doesn’t work so well – especially if the first thing you can grab for lube is your sister’s hair-removal cream.

3 Secure the location. Make sure your curtains are drawn and the door is locked. You don’t want anyone walking in and catching you mid wank.

4 Take advantage of modern technology. Voice Over IP (VOIP) means you can see your sex friend on your computer.

5 Invest in a hands-free earpiece.

6 Phone sex is a useful way to test boundaries – now may be the time to find out just what gets your girlfriend going.

7 Have a pack of baby wipes to wipe your dirty man-batter off the phone when you’re done.

8 Disable call-waiting. Accidentally accept an incoming call, and you may find yourself having phone sex with a family member.

9 Don’t repeat anything said or heard during phone sex. She’ll find out: inescapable fact.

10 If your girlfriend is a bit shy, offer to start first, and describe a lady-safe fantasy like being taken on a bed of roses. Telling her you want to be whipped by spiked leather belts won’t coax her into venturing beyond her comfort zone.

11 Start small. Try describing sensual things that you want to do to her, like kissing her neck or imagining your fingers running up and down the length of her thighs.

12 Leave truly perverted sexual fantasies until you’ve managed to get her so horny she doesn’t know or care what day of the week it is.

13 Stay away from talk about family fantasies. No one wants to talk about shagging their mother or their sister, even if it’s a twin. In fact, especially if it’s a twin!

14 Restrain yourself. Think how long it takes during real sex for a girl to have an orgasm. Now she’s on the phone, don’t think you can shirk your responsibilities with some mucky banter and a quick fumble for yourself.

15 Don’t come too quickly. If you do, carry on until she’s climaxed herself. You can’t roll over and go to sleep while you’re on the phone!

16 Initiate with subtlety. Kick off with ‘I’m feeling really horny tonight, why don’t you talk me off’, and you’ll have her hanging up quicker than a wrong number. Compliment her on the sound of her voice, tell her she sounds ‘seductive’, etc.

17 Keep up the compliments all the way through: tell her she’s beautiful and gorgeous, even though you can’t see her.

18 Use sexy quotes from films if you run out of things to say. Make sure it’s appropriate – not Platoon or Mary Poppins.

19 Don’t be afraid to drop in some romance, such as: ‘The touch of your silky hair sends shivers down my neck.’

20 Talk about things she’d be comfortable with in real life. Ask her to picture being licked out by a lesbian, and she’ll probably hang up.

21 Tell her it’s the most amazing sex you’ve ever had in your whole entire life. Even if it’s a lie. But especially if it’s not!

22 Suggest she prepares the room. Get her to light candles and wear her sexiest undies. Creating the right atmosphere is important in getting her to loosen up.

23 Get her to sit in a giant bubble bath and wash herself with the soap. As she’s doing it, talk her through exactly where you’d wash her as she acts it out.

24 Never laugh at her fantasies, no matter how crap or weird they are.

25 Make plenty of sounds that indicate you’re enjoying yourself or what she’s describing doing to you; it’ll encourage her to carry on.

26 Now is not the time to bring up anal fantasies, no matter how relaxed she gets.

27 Never, ever bring your pets or other people’s animals into it.

28 Skip the toilet humour. You could get lucky, but the chances are she’ll not only think you’re a pervert, but she’ll tell all your mates you wanted her to poo on you.

29 Avoid sounding like a dirty old man when you’re on the phone to her. By all means be sexy and husky. But too much heavy breathing, and she’ll think you’re in trouble and call you an ambulance.

30 Describe running your fingers from the base of her ankles up to the back of her knees, up the inside of her thighs and circling her belly-button. She’ll feel relaxed if you don’t want to skip straight to the sex part. Even if you do just want to skip straight to the sex part.

31 Buy her a vibrator and get her to use it while you describe what she should be doing with it.

32 Send over some props, such as sexy underwear, strawberries and champagne, to really put her in the mood.

33 While you’re at work, email what you want to do to her throughout that day. By the time you’re on the phone, you’ll be tearing each other’s imaginary clothes off. Warning: always, check it’s her answering before launching into it.

34 Never bring up threesome fantasies involving people you know, such as her best friend or the local barmaid. Unless you want to be banned from going to the pub, or you get off on a heavy atmosphere of female paranoia in social situations.

35 If you’re having phone sex in a public phonebox, make sure you’re dressed for the occasion (ie, that you’re dressed).

36 If you plan on getting horny with the telephone at a friend’s house, make sure they’ve all gone to bed and aren’t listening to the conversation on another handset.

37 If your girl likes to be dominated, have fun shouting at her – tell her she’s been a very naughty girl and has to do everything you say.

38 Tell her how turned on you are at the thought of her touching herself. Talk her through how you’d touch her if you were together and get her to act it out.

39 If you get cut off, make sure you’re talking to your girlfriend when you call back – and not her dad who’s answered the phone.

40 If you’re having phone sex at work one afternoon following a liquid lunch, make sure that your colleagues don’t catch you with your hand down your pants.