2 By all means, use squirty cream. But don’t ever squirt it inside her. Trust us, it goes bad. Very bad.
3 Whoever told you to tweak a girl’s nipples is stupid. Don’t! No girl has ever been proven to like this.
4 If the squelchy sex noises embarrass you, put some music on – but whatever you do, don’t let her look for a CD. You don’t want to find yourself having to explain how Peter Andre came into your possession.
5 Slip on a French tickler condom while she gives you a blowjob. It’s textured tip and sides will liven it up.
6 Tease her for ages with your fingers, tongue and the tip of your penis before you penetrate her. And we mean ages! Think you’ve teased her enough? You haven’t! Tease her some more. Tease her till she’s begging. Then tease her some more! She’ll love it when you finally… no, just teasing again! Ha!
7 Under no circumstances should you let a girl give you a toe-job unless you are clean as a whistle. If she can’t forget the taste of your cheesy feet, there’s definitely no way she’ll go near your cock.
8 If you’re going out with a big-boned girl, don’t even consider trying to lift her up as a romantic gesture – she’ll just feel like crying.
9 Slow dancing is a long- forgotten part of human seduction, now only performed in half-arsed, awkward fashion at school discos. We say reclaim it! It’s the closest your nether regions come without actually humping, so enjoy.
10 If you’re out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand. If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you’ve blown it.
11 Pin her up against a wall with one hand (not too forcefully), and strip her of her clothes with the other, while looking deep into her eyes. You should see a fire gradually build up to an inferno.
12 If a girl’s on the large side, never lie and claim she’s ‘really skinny’. Unless she’s using a circus mirror, she’ll know she isn’t, know you’re lying and get moody. Instead, talk about how much you love her curves.
13 If you’re crap at putting condoms on, don’t waste time asking her to help; she’d have put it on in the first place if she was good at it. Instead, tell her to close her eyes until you surprise her… use this time wisely.
14 Legs! Kiss the legs. Normally you wouldn’t bother with all that, but by golly if you have the patience to give them a good going over, she’ll be convinced you’re a love god.
15 Suck her earlobes. Don’t pull and slobber on them like an excitable puppy, but gently suck and nibble on the ends for at least 20 seconds.
16 Use anticipation. You may be right in the middle of watching Planet Earth, but tell her you’re going to ravish her after it’s finished. She’ll be counting down the minutes in anticipation.
17 Offer her a massage and then once you’re bored with kneading her shoulder, let your hands wander lower. We guarantee that full sex will occur within 12 minutes.
18 If you’re thinking of surprising her by turning up on her doorstep in the middle of the night, wearing nothing but a raincoat and condom, please don’t! She’ll think you’re a maniac.
19 Girls love being given a head massage. It can send tingling sensations all the way from her scalp down to her clit. And although this may not sound erotic, we defy you not to get a result.
20 Never, ever, reach for a dildo from your bedside drawer. She’ll know it’s been used on someone else, probably isn’t yours and might retch. Instead, plan ahead and arrange to go to a sex shop together. It can be really exciting going to purchase something together that you both know is going to be used afterwards in a filthy sex session.
21 Tell her you want to treat her by buying her some nice underwear and then encourage her to try on the raunchiest you can find. She might not plump for the crotchless knickers, but you’ll still see the benefit.
22 Don’t use the journey home from a club to pass out; use the time to tell her what you’re going to do to her. You may be on a nightbus smelling of sick, but it can still be sexy!
23 Girls like explicit texts, too. So next time you’re bored waiting in a queue for lunch, text her the rudest, naughtiest thing you can possibly think of and inform her of when exactly you plan to do it.
24 Instead of emailing some random girl on MySpace all day, send your girlfriend a raunchy email to her hotmail. The more you turn her on in the day, the more you’ll get back later. As with all sexy emails, don’t forget to doublecheck who the recipient is before sending.
25 Never consider sending a girl an explicit email viral you got from one of the boys. You may think a woman pooing out a coke can is funny and strangely sexy, she will not.
26 Spend an entire hour kissing your girl from head to toe, caressing her absolutely everywhere on her body. No penetration of any sort is allowed until the hour is up.
27 Introduce ice cubes into your rumpy pumpy. Take iced drinks (make it a JD and coke) into the bedroom, take a swig, and transfer the ice into her mouth. This should get the ball rolling.
28 Ask your girlfriend to masturbate in front of you. As well as providing a visual feast, you get to see exactly how she likes to be touched.
29 Go for a jog with your missus around the park. A 20 minute session will almost certainly get your blood pumping and your endorphin levels raised. In other words, bang up for it!
30 Never underestimate the power of a showerhead. Especially a power-showerhead! Use it at varying speeds on her lady bits, but you might want to test the temperature first. Burns are bad.
31 Whipping porn out might piss her off, however she’ll be well up for an ‘erotic film’. Rent Last Tango In Paris or 9 1/2 Weeks and she’ll be so turned on, we’re betting you’ll never find out how the film ends.
32 Be careful with the nipples. You may think it’s sensual to nibble on her nipples but she won’t. It’ll hurt.
33 When licking/kissing her ears, don’t ram your tongue into her eardrum. She’ll panic about earwax and you’ll get a gobful of something you weren’t banking on!
34 Give her a foot massage, providing they’re clean. Wewe can’t fathom it out, but for some reason touch her toes and light a fire down there.
35 While kissing, grab her hair and tug it gently. It’s incredibly sexy and will definitely take things on to the next level. No hair should be removed in this process though.
36 Cook her dinner, and when she comes over be wearing nothing but an apron and a pair of oven gloves.
37 Have fun in the dark. Strip her naked, and get her in a completely dark room. Next, make her lie on the bed and with no talking, proceed to lick, kiss, nibble and bring her to climax with oral sex. Not only will her senses be heightened, but her orgasm will be, too…
38 Next time she’s getting soapy in the shower, offer to help out and wash her all the way from her ankles up to her inner thighs and beyond…
39 If the preamble to getting jiggy has got slightly boring, put on a disc of all the songs you’ve had memorable sex to and take a nostalgic trip down memory lane.
40 Next time you’re in a restaurant, sit next to your girlfriend instead of opposite. This will mean that you can upgrade from having footsie under the table, and instead, have a hand-job for starters.
41 If you’re in a busy nightclub, and no one’s looking, give her a real treat by slipping your hands inside her knickers. By the time you get home, she’ll be ready to explode.
42 Next time you’re about to go down on a girl, resist taking her underwear off, and instead do whatever it was you were going to do, but through her knickers and bra.
43 If you want to give her a kiss to remember, try sucking on a glacier mint at the same time as snogging her (try not to choke, or to choke her).
44 To effectively compliment a woman without her suspecting that you’re full of shit, compliment her on something specific, such as her voice, her hair or her underwear. Simply saying ‘You’ve got a nice body’ simply doesn’t wash… especially if she hasn’t.
45 If you’re kissing a girl in anywhere for any length of tome, you must either have a furry beard or be clean shaven. Anything in between and you’ll cut her skin to shreds.
46 If you ever feel the need to spit anything out during foreplay (or pull anything from between your teeth) whatever you do, don’t let her see you doing it!
47 Don’t come during foreplay. If you can’t even make it to the main event, you’ll be named and shamed for sure. Probably via a group email or MySpace bulletin.
48 Tickle her. OK, we know you’re not 12, but it’s only a hop, skip and a jump from this to laughter, wriggling and some form of heated sex action.
49 As your missus leaves for work in the morning, slip a note into her pocket, explaining what naughty thoughts you’ll be having about her all day.
50 Buy a copy of naughty women’s magazine, Scarlet, and read one of the erotic stories out to her. Yes, you’ll feel like a bit of an idiot but she’ll be loving it.
51 Make sure she knows not to treat you too delicately as she wanks you off. A lot of women think they might break it, so guide her hands with yours.
52 To get more sensation with a blowjob, get her to use her lips to move up and down the shaft and form an ‘OK’ sign with her fingers, following her lips’ movement.
53 Get her to sing when she’s got you in her mouth. The lower the notes the more vibrations you’ll feel.
54 Request your own private lapdance from your girlfriend. Only you don’t have to pay. We hope!
55 When you’re touching her, do a ‘come here’ signal very slowly with two fingers inside her.
56 Ban your hands! Explore each other’s bodies with your nose, tongue, lips, hair, knees and toes.
57 Don’t think that breast foreplay action involves purely clamping one in your mouth and then letting go. Vary licking, sucking and kissing. Don’t even bother if you’re going to spend any less than two and a half minutes on each.
58 Lick and blow on her neck before even going in for a snog.
60 Refuse to allow your girlfriend to take her clothes off at any point.
61 Buy some glow in the dark ‘foreplay dice’. Yes, tacky but it’ll make her laugh. And anything that involves her in a dark room having to pleasure you on demand is worth a couple of quid, surely?
62 Ask her to get a Brazilian. But it’s for her own good! Apparently with the mop removed, every sensation down there is heightened!
63 Put aside a week, where no sex is allowed. You can touch, kiss, push each other over or whatever, but there’s no actual sex. You might not make it the whole week, but you’ll have fun trying.
64 Ask her to wear suspenders down the pub. It’s even better if she’s wearing something quite prim and proper over the top and just gives you an occasional flash of stockinged thigh.
64 Buy her a chocolate bra. Yes, they exist! They’re made by an Austrian designer, and yes, they’re 100 per cent chocolate. Obviously you’ll have to eat it fast otherwise it’ll melt. Or just let it melt and lick it off!
65 Mix up the sequence of your foreplay – try going straight for the clit, then kiss her neck, then go down on her. You can even write down the elements on slips of paper, put them in a hat and get her to draw them out one by one. Then do them in that order.
66 If your girlfriend’s crap at something – cleaning, coming home on time, cooking, then introduce punishments. Tell her she’s a naughty girl next time she burns the dinner and then devise a punishment that’s fitting. Obviously, she has to be in on the joke or she’ll think you’re a perv and an idiot .
67 Never wear a thong. No woman with her eyesight in full working order will appreciate the sight of your spotty arse out on display!
68 Don’t shave all the hair off your balls. You think you look like a stud; she’s freaked out. A lot!
68 Apparently, the soft arch of the instep on your foot feels dead good when nibbled, licked and kissed. So get your gob round ’em.
69 When you’re round your parents for dinner, send her a text across the table telling her exactly what you wish you’d rather be doing to her instead.
70 Have a lunchtime foreplay session. Book a hotel room for an hour, meet her there and fiddle around before going back to work. Then you’ve got all afternoon to think about what you’re going to do when you get home.
71 Get tipsy together but not drunk. Be uninhibited but not rolling around in your own vomit.
72 Go in with the tongue. If you normally have a chaste peck when you meet up, throw yourself into the full on snog and shock the hell out of her!
74 Ask a lesbian for top masturbation tips. They know exactly how women like to be touched, so use their superior knowledge.
75 Write what you want to do to her in whipped cream, on her chest.
76 Put your girlfriend’s knickers in the freezer for half an hour and then get her to rub them all over you.
77 Gently tilt her face upwards to expose her neck, and then softly kiss her throat till she purrs like a cat.
78 Play with her hair for a while, and then lift the back of it upwards so you can kiss the back of her neck. It’s very soft and cute there, and she will melt until she’s goo in your hands.
79 Don’t immediately rip her clothes off. With girls it’s all about the tease, so stroke her all over when she’s fully dressed. Don’t be tempted to get a sandwich halfway if you get bored.
80 Slap her arse! Don’t be shy; it doesn’t make you a kinky pervert. It’s funny and playful, and shows that you’re up for a spicy time. It’ll bring out her wild side. If she hasn’t got one, send her back to the nunnery.
81 Bend her over as if you were about to do it doggy style, but instead give her oral from behind. It’s a little tricky at first, but so bastard horny that you’ll both go mental with desire – so mental that you’ll rip each other’s heads off!
82 If you’ve been with her for a while, and she’s already familiar with your skills, try being a bit cheeky, and lie back to let her do all the work. She’ll probably find this ‘empowering’ or something, and thoroughly enjoy controlling proceedings!
83 Play naked Spin The Bottle.
84 Pay for your girlfriend to have a fancy French manicure. Not only will she think you’re treating her, but then you’ll get to feel them as they are digging into your back.
85 Don’t ignore the belly-button. Once defluffed, it’s hot as hell. Don’t believe us? Try tickling yours now. See? doesn’t that feel nice?
86 Have phone sex when you’re in different rooms in your house. See how long you can keep it going – then you only have to run a few feet to get your end away.
87 To get your lady’s nipples instantly rock hard, run a cold can of lager on them. The chill will drive her wild and you’ve got a perfect post-sex beverage! It’s poor form to drink it mid-way through, though.
88 Ask your woman to slap on some bright red lipstick before giving you a blowjob.
89 Learn a new language, and then when your girl comes round tell her exactly what you want to do to her in your foreign tongue. As long as she doesn’t happen to speak it, you can say any old nonsense and she’ll still get giddy.
90 If you’ve got chest hair, get her to grab hold of it as she kisses you. Not in a human-tweezer way, but just little handfuls to show she means business.
91 Don’t charge through foreplay like you’re dashing towards the finish line. Time spent is always rewarded with grateful sex moves.
92 Use three fingers at once: one on the G-spot, one inside, and leave the third to roam…
93 If she’s got long hair, make the most of it. Get her to untie it and drape it all over your body. If it’s short, buy her a wig!
94 Next time she’s on a girls’ night out, text her a message saying exactly why she should come round to yours when she’s done. And as long as she’s not stinking of kebabs and Bacardi, you’re onto a winner!
95 The bum isn’t just for sex. When you’re kissing, make sure you grab and caress it.
96 Use two ice cubes on her body, with the rule that she can’t move or touch you until they’ve melted.
97 Don’t be tempted to skip the foreplay. Even if you’re just having a quickie, there should be at least a snog to get things going.
98 Best not send smutty fantasies to her work email. Getting her the sack will guarantee she won’t be getting in your sack.
99 If you’re going for anal as the main event, start off during foreplay by tickling and even licking her bum. If you dive straight in before even approaching target area, she will shit herself! No, not like that.
100 Make a decision to kiss for at least 10 minutes before you do anything else.
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