Hi, Sophie. Have you got any gossip for us?

Not really, although I’m going to Australia soon. The Australian invasion! I’m going to go out there, meet some Australian people and get my boobs out. I’m sure they’ll appreciate it.

Australia’s full of spiders, snakes and serial killers, you know…

Yeah, but it’s worth the risk. Hey – isn’t this issue coming out just before Christmas? Shouldn’t we be talking about that?

If you like… What are you getting for Christmas?

I don’t know. Before I go to Australia I’m getting a Nintendo DS, so maybe some new games.

You’re easy to shop for…

Yes – I sometimes get comedy porn for Christmas. My best friend bought me some porn from Amsterdam – it was called Faust and was about fisting. It starred some really disgusting housewives. But we watched it!

Did you find any of it sexy?

No, but it was highly amusing. It went missing after I lent it to my brother, and he lent it to his friend. So if you could put out a nationwide plea for me to get Faust back, that’d be nice.

You want to watch it again?

Yes, please. Another magazine provided me with some horse porn recently, but it was sick.

Did you really expect it to be a nice film where they really care about the horse and give it a few kisses?

I thought it might be like She-Ra [the girl version of He-Man]. She had a really cool horse.

She didn’t have sex with it!

Well you don’t know that – you never saw them at night. I watched Brokeback Mountain. It was funny the way the blokes wanted to get it on, but would just fight first, then get into each other’s pants. I think all couples should do that.

So you should take all your aggression out on your lover?

Yeah. Broken noses and black eyes are all a part of passion.

Not all the time, surely?

Of course, you still need your soft, slow sex to break up all the violence! I like to be massaged, kissed and worshipped!

So you like candlelit seduction?

Yeah, that can be nice. To be undressed slowly, and then teased to the point where I nearly lose my mind. Just don’t put ‘Lady In Red’ on the stereo.

Do men take too long obsessing over your breasts during sex?

No, I love it – there’s a lot of boob to explore! Guys who take ages over them are OK in my book!

What kind of presents do you buy for people at Christmas?