A fellow supermodel came back to the hotel, pinned me against the bathroom wall and snogged me!

For each second that she doesn’t answer, hope spreads through my brain and down my trousers like bacteria multiplying under a microscope. ‘No’, she replies eventually, and I become the seventh man to have asked and the seventh man to have been denied. But safe in the knowledge that I’ll die having tried, I wish the rest of you better luck. I’ve come to terms with the rejection.

See, she’s so beautiful that if you think for too long about the fact that you’ll never get to marry her, your brain swells to the size of a toilet cistern and forces its way out of your ears. We’re in a posh Japanese restaurant and every man who walks past the table stalls for a second as they request that the fruity little librarian in their mind goes and fetches a few of their favourite Sophie images from the specially cordoned-off area of their memories labelled ‘JESUS FUCKING CHRIST SHE’S GORGEOUS’.

Invariably, these images will involve her looking incredible. From her beginnings as a supermodel, through gracing the covers of a million magazines, to I’m a Celebrity… and the relationship with former Chelsea keeper Mark Bosnich that ended in a tabloid spectacular of booze, fights and cocaine, it seems she’s pretty rock and roll, as models go.

Tonight, she glows – literally. She draws your eyes. You can see her from any corner of the room. You can probably see her from space. In fact, if the moon ever collides with Earth, unleashing the lethal force of a billion Hiroshimas, it will be because it was trying to spoon Sophie Anderton. And we’re having dinner with her. And she’s ordering things we’ve never heard of. And she’s talking just to us. And we think we’re falling in love. And everything we say to begin with is pulped-up nonsense-mush like this…

Maxim: Milk. There’s milk.

Sophie: Yes, milk.

Do you like… milk?

I’m allergic to milk. It reminds me of school dinners and, well, I won’t say what else it reminds me of. And I had it dripping all down my chest!

Right. What’s the best thing about being Sophie Anderton?

Well, I’m single. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. I’ve got amazing friends and family. I’ve got my health too – I even ran the London Marathon.

Is it true that you were chased around it by paparazzi?

Yes! Over Tower Bridge. And they knocked over two of the other runners. But they did smash their cameras up, so that’s a good thing. I was in agony by that point, but I ran the first 16 miles and hobbled the rest.

What’s the most ridiculous rumour that you’ve heard about yourself?

That I shagged Axl Rose!

Did you shag him?

Nothing happened! It was my birthday party and I was having a great time with all my friends. I hadn’t been to a club for months, and everyone loves their own birthday party because it’s the only night where you can get away with being the centre of attention and having a giggle. But I drank too many Red Bulls and couldn’t stop dancing. It was like when you see someone at wedding, pissed, who is dancing like an idiot but is just happy to be dancing. I was like a lunatic. I’m a really good dancer normally, but not that night.

And then Axl Rose turned up?

Yeah. We had fun, that’s it. But he didn’t leave with me! I left with my friends.

Do you get propositioned a lot?

Yes. I tend to get a lot of marriage proposals. It usually happens in clubs, though my friends save them from the embarrassment of asking because I can be quite harsh. But then again, it’s difficult for any man to approach any woman in a club, so I do give them bonus points for having the guts to come up to me. But I always like to make the first move.

How do you warn men off?

With my best icy stare. It could freeze anybody. It could freeze ice cream. And it’s much more polite than just telling them to fuck off!

How many times have you been proposed to?

It’s at this point I make the decision to propose. But I decide that kind of thing should perhaps be left to the end of the interview. After all, the restaurant would be more romantic later on. And, should she choose to knee me in the balls then, I can be home and in bed naked within an hour of Sophie Anderton, the wonderful, sensational, sexy, supermodel Sophie Anderton, having physical contact with my testicles. And not many men can say that. Mark Bosnich can, and a few other blokes, but none quite as poor or fat as me. Do you think you intimidate men?

Yeah. I’m quite confident. But since I became single last September, I think I’ve suddenly found myself. Or maybe that’s just because one of my friends bought me such a great present for my birthday – but I won’t tell you what it is.

What is it?

Well, let’s just say that all Maxim readers should get down to Anne Summers and pick a little something up for their girlfriend.

What would you tell the next Sophie Anderton to avoid?

Playboys, footballers and club owners. Having said that, I told myself exactly that when I was 17, so never say never, I guess. And always prove people wrong! I won’t be perfect, ever, but I’ll always be able to stick my fingers up to the people that doubt me.

When was the last time you were shocked by something you’d seen?

When a fellow supermodel came back to my hotel with a big group of friends, followed me into the bathroom, pinned me against the shower wall and snogged me! And I have to say it – I’m just not into women. I was so shocked! Totally freaked out! I had to call my friends to come and rescue me!

You must have a lot of secrets.

I have A LOT! You’d be amazed at the things that have gone on in my life that the press don’t know about.

You must have to turn down loads of rubbish offers.

Yeah. I just turned down this hysterical one called Who Wants To Be A Beauty Therapist?, or something like that. And also Celebrity Boxing. All that kind of stuff. But I’m not a glamour model, and I refuse all that stuff… all these Z-list celebrities on reality TV shows – they’re not even Z-list! We need to invent a new part of the alphabet for them, below ‘Z’. All these shows – like Make Me A Supermodel and Big Brother – who are these people? What do they actually do? They’ve never done anything with their lives! If you put me in the Big Brother house, I’d kill someone on the first day!

Will you marry me?

• See more Sophie Anderton at Freeones (external link)