I went to Glastonbury. My fella said he'd never heard moan as much as me

She normally presents CBBC Saturday morning kids’ show, TMi. She got her big break playing Michael Jackson’s girlfriend in Bo’ Selecta! She’s mad fit in a brilliant girl-next-door, implants-are-for-idiots sort of way. And now, having hosted ITV’s Live At IndigO2 music show, she’s stripping to her pants in your favourite men’s mag. Gentlemen, may we introduce TV’s new saucepot, Ms Caroline Flack.

Not only is our cover star bubblier than a fresh pint of Foster’s top, she likes going out to bars, plays spin the bottle in stagnant lifts and lets people like us take shots of her in her smalls in smelly clubs in Camden. We knew it, you’re liking her already...

Caroline, we say you’re one of the hottest new talents on TV, what do you think about that?

I think that’s very kind of you to say so.

What does it feel like to be on the cover of our beloved tome?

It’s every girl’s dream to be on the cover of Maxim, isn’t it?

You knows it. How did the shoot go?

I was extremely nervous. I don’t usually get pictured in my knickers in front of ten or more people. It’s not something I usually do. But I eased into it, and by the end of the day I was running around being silly.

Did the Barfly pong a little?

People shouldn’t go there during the day – it stinks! It’s a mixture of booze, sick and a tiny bit of smoke from back in the day.

If we staged a ‘presenter-off’, would you beat the likes of Alexa Chung and Fearne Cotton in a fistfight?

What, two against one? That’s hardly fair.

Nah, round robin one-on-ones.

I’ve never won a fight or an arm wrestle. My friends say I’ve got twig arms, so I don’t think I’d be very good in a fight. And Alexa’s really tall. They’d both have a big height advantage.

But if you’d had a couple of lagers, you could just windmill in...

Drinking makes me tired. I’m always the first one to go home.

So you wouldn’t be able to beat them in a drinking contest either?

For someone so small, I can drink quite a lot. I’m sick if I have shots, so they’re out of the window. I like Spasbombs though – Morgan’s Spice dropped into Red Bull. Me and my friends like downing them.

Out of you, Fearne and Alexa, who’d do the best air guitar?

Not me. I can do air drums though, I do them all the time [starts air drumming]. I can do good headbanging too, because I’ve got the most hair. So in an air drum/head-banging competition, I’d come up trumps.

Now you’re a bona fide telly presenter, do you hang out with celebs and do lots of cocaine and posh skag?

[No hesitation] No!

What’s the most rock‘n’roll thing you’ve ever done then?

Do you know what? I’m generally quite a good girl. I used to have a habit of dancing on bars when I got drunk, which was fun. And I once got caught having a shower by Taylor Hawkins from the Foo Fighters. Is that rock ‘n’ roll? Being caught having a shower?

Sort of. Tell us more...

I was backstage at V Festival. It was an accident. It wasn’t like I was just standing there waiting in the shower like, ‘Heeeeeey! Come get me!’

What did he do?

We just had a little chat. ‘How are you?’ ‘Fine.’ ‘How’s the shower?’ ‘Great.’ I told him he should have one, it’s nice.

It all sounds a bit dodgy to us. What was the first gig you went to?

Lenny Kravitz at Wembley when I was 15. He was brilliant. I was right at the back, but I could see everything. I genuinely remember thinking I had the best seat, when I had the worst. I even lied to my friends that I touched his hair. It’s a big thing going to Wembley when you come from a little village in Norfolk, so I just made up all these stories.

Have you ever crowdsurfed?

No, I think I’d get crushed – I’m too little. I find it hard enough trying to see the bloody band. I’d be too scared to get dropped, there’d be too many wandering hands and I have quite a sensitive body.

Are you a festival lover?

I went to Glastonbury last year and it was incredibly muddy. My fella said he’d never heard anyone moan as much as me in his life. He gave me 10 moans, and if I moaned 10 times he was going to leave me on my own.

But you’re all VIP’d up, right? People making you tea and snorting exotic drugs off young boys backstage...

Well, I didn’t shower at Glastonbury last year. I spent four days without a shower! That’s quite rock ‘n’ roll. I just love festivals, I’m one of those people who can just wander off on their own and have conversations with anybody. I like that about festivals.

What’s the worst thing about festivals?

The toilets! The toilets are horrendous.

How do you prepare for the festival khazis?

I either take Imodium and don’t go at all, or I go in a bush. I’d rather find a bush. I’m one of those women you’d find in the bushes!

We thought as much. Who’s the most famous rock star you’ve met?

Dave Grohl. I was so nervous. He was in his changing room and I had to go and say hello, but I didn’t think what I was going to say next, so I just went in and said, ‘hello’ and had nothing else to say. We just stood there awkwardly looking at each other. He must have thought, ‘Who’s this random idiot?’ And then I just said, ‘bye’ and walked off. Brilliant, well done me.

What’s the most rock: boxers, Y-fronts, commando or having a small mammal stuck underneath your cock?

I like Y-fronts, old ones. Not old as in quite retro, just plain Y-fronts. I don’t like boxers, and commando would just be horrible. I just like a nice clean pair of pants.

Have you ever trashed a hotel room?

I’ve never trashed a hotel room or been in one whilst it’s being trashed. I was in a hotel room once with the Dirty Sanchez boys and I thought, ‘Great, this is when a room is going to get trashed!’ But they didn’t do anything, they just talked to each other and had cups of tea.

You’re trapped in a lift with Pete Doherty, Gary Wilmot, a packet of Jacob’s crackers and a Wellington boot. What happens next?

I’d press the emergency button, that’d be the first thing I’d do. Then I’d check for my mobile phone signal and call everyone I know and say, ‘GET ME OUT!’ And then once we got hungry I’d probably share the crackers out.

Pete might have the munchies.

Pete can have half the crackers and me and Gary can have the rest. And then we could play spin the bottle with the Welly boot and play Truth Or Dare.

Fair enough. If you were single what album should we say we own to impress you?

That’s a good question. I think if you knew the songs from all The Beatles’ album, that’d be quite cool. I’ve got a friend who can do that and he can play any song you ask him to. I like that.

What’s the best way to get a Rottweiler to stop biting your leg? Kick it in the head or stick your finger up its arse?

I wouldn’t do either! I’d politely say, ‘Please go away,’ and hopefully it would.

Lastly, would you ever get off with Simon Cowell?

Yes, if I was single. I think he’s quite sexy.

Interview terminated.

I do think he’s quite sexy! There is something about him. I think he ‘d probably be quite charming. If he was single and I was single, you know, and the moment was right...

...you’d get off with his face?

Yes, I’d get off with his face. That’s it, just his face.

[Big sigh] Cheers, Caroline...

See more of Caroline Flack at Freeones.com