Freshers’ Week is a sexual minefield. You may as well have a go because everyone’s keen and you get to find out who the game birds are. I went to an art college in Sunderland, which doesn’t really count, but all the girls were these posh little rich kids who thought Fine Art was genuinely a job prospect, rather than something to waste a year on. I was all about wasting a year and, for me, these posh girls were brilliant, as it was like them fucking the gardener: ‘That’s right Daddy, I had sex with a gardener. He smelt of chips.’

Students stand out like a sore thumb in the North East. All the non-students in Newcastle wear two bits of sellotape and a cork. In Sunderland it’s Kappa, and entire families are sponsored by JD Sports. I just saw a woman spend 11 quid in Greggs, and nearly gave her a round of applause! She had eight tits, and four of them were on her back.

With a big fat girl like that, you could actually fuck her anywhere. ‘I’m bored of your vagina, roll your hip up, I’ll have a go at that.’ I once shagged a large student and I know this sounds fattist, but she was the dirtiest girl I’ve ever slept with. I did things to her that were unnatural. In the end it was like a science experiment. I was like, ‘Can I do… yes I can!’ I had to phone her the next day to ask for my watch back.

These days I do loads of Freshers’ gigs and without sounding like an arrogant twat –because I’m hardly Johnny Depp – you do get quite a few girls coming up to you at the end. They wander over after they’ve had two apple WKDs and say, ‘You were great, do you want to sleep with me?’ even though they don’t even know your name.

At one Freshers’ gig I did, there was three old women in wheelchairs – no idea why they were there. We had all these Stephen Hawking jokes and the old dears were loving it. They might be 70, but God knows what they were doing in the Anderson shelters. ‘This might be our last chance! Ride us like some sort of epileptic swing machine!’ Bluebirds over the White Cliffs of Dover? Codeword for: hot anal. They said after, ‘Ooh, if I was 20 years younger…’ What? You’d still be 50. I’d cause you a heart complaint and put your hip out!

For full details and dates of Matt’s upcoming gigs, go to Matt Reed’s fan page on Facebook