Once again Britain leads the way in Europe - our teenagers top every index of bad behaviour from underage sex to drugs to random violence and drinking, according to new research from the Institute of Public Policy Research.

The report also reveals that the feral, spitting, surly and hooded younger generation see Anti Social Behavior Orders - better known as ASBOs - as a badge of achievement.

So in the mean spirit of these times - and under no pressure at all from the Chairman of the Board - we point you to a new poem written by Felix Dennis (best-selling author, poet, pig breeder and owner of Maxim).

ASBO, ASBO little law,
How we wonder what you're for,
Chavs and yobs who love to fight
Terrorise us every night.
Toothless, useless little law,
How we wonder what you're for.

On the streets with hoods and knives,
How they terrorise our lives.
Though they all should be in bed,
All you do is boost their cred.
ASBO, ASBO can't you see
You are an accessory.

ASBO, ASBO, little law,
How we wonder what you're for,
Words will never rule the street,
We need coppers on the beat.
Toothless, useless, little law,
How we wonder what you're for.

You will find many more witty and irreverent reinventions of nursery rhymes in When Jack Sued Jill: Nursery Rhymes for Modern Times published by Ebury Press and on sale from 16 November 2006.

• Play song (MP3)