Why do we still have April Fool’s? Are we so bored as a nation we have to amuse ourselves by lying to each other? It makes us want to kill. Not really! April fools!
At 9am this Sunday Glasto tickets go on sale. Get to an office (home broadband’s too slow), set up the ticket page on seven PCs and refresh like a mother-refresher!
Manchester band Elbow (above) are in Oxford as they tour their brilliant new album, The Seldom Seen Kid. Like a real elbow, they are the opposite of arse.
It’s the US Masters. Cue the finest sports commentary outside darts, as Peter Alliss says stuff like, ‘For 50 years I’ve been peeling bananas from the wrong end.’
Day of the London Marathon, when the capital’s streets host berky fun runners, reality-TV divs and a tiny pool of Paula Radcliffe’s warm, Lucozadey piss.
The county cricket season starts today.Go to your local club for all-day drinking games. A boundary: two fingers. Wicket: down a pint. Googly: call an ambulance.
The World Snooker Championship kicks off. But it’s not the snooker we’re into, it’s sexy ref Michaela Tabb. We’d love to rest her gently against the cushion.
St George’s Day! It’s not a bank holiday, but should be. So skive off work and honour the patron in true English style. By watching telly and eating some toast.
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