I have reached an age that is difficult to describe in rough terms - 38. I don't want to say late thirties, but I'm only kidding myself if I say mid-thirties. So to compromise I just say early thirties. Or 29 - depending on how I feel. Having got to this age I have discovered the following and I am passing it on to you in case it may be some help...

If you are telling someone about a film and you don't want to spoil it, but you say, 'I won't tell you what happens, but there's a great twist at the end,'you have just spoiled it.

Size doesn't matter, but let's be honest, if two blokes were lost in a forest at night then the girls are much more likely to go with the guy with the bigger torch.

If you're an avid fan of the soaps and miss an episode, don't fret. They are written so even the most stupid people can catch up.

On a first date, if you get a chance to eye up at least five of the person's CD collection, there's a good chance you'll know whether you'll be seeing them again.

There is no greater measure of manhood than a game of pool. If you are a man and you do not know how to play pool, the message you are sending out to the world is: 'I like dungeons and dragons and am not up to the job of fathering a child.'

The old advice of thinking about your boss sat on the toilet while he is shouting at you can now be easily improved. Simply use your mobile phone and take a sneaky under-the-door picture of him doing just that and then email it round to everyone in the office.

Women - if your husband has his mobile on silent around the house, chances are he's having an affair.

You're never likely to meet a grumpy Jehovah's Witness.

During the Goal Of The Month slot on Match Of The Day, it's incredibly annoying to repeat, 'this is a good one', 'no this is a good one', as each clip starts. They're always good, that's the point.

Spandau Ballet band members will never need to work again due to the BBC continually using their 80s hit 'Gold' as a soundtrack for every athletics montage they do. I reckon Martin Kemp does the sofa adverts because he's bored.

Microwaving pastry is always a disappointment.

The concept of buffet food is fundamentally flawed. If you are not the first in the queue, essentially you are eating leftovers.

If all they did was kiss, a kiss and tell would never get printed.

Casually asking someone if they've lost a bit of weight is the nicest thing you can do for a fat person, short of padlocking the fridge.

Catch Justin at various venues around the UK in March and April.For a full list of dates visit www.justinmoorhouse.com