Lauren

'STOP LOOKING AT MY GIRLFRIEND YOU LOT! MUUUUUUM, TELL THEM WILL YOU...'

	LAUREN IS OURS AND WE'LL LOSE A CRINGEY, TEAR-INFESTED COURT BATTLE TO PROVE IT.

Now when we see her not only do we blub uncontrollably as we genuinely wish she was OURS, we then cry freely in front of other human beings as we DRONE ON FOREVER about how amazing it would be to HAVE HER BY OUR SIDE whilst we take part in them mad White Dwarf tournaments that obsess us so.

When any one of our family/friends/colleagues/team-mates from the White Dwarf club deign to look at her, we FLY INTO A SPASTIC RAGE. Just the thought of someone else STARING AT HER with their OWN EYES and NOT OURS makes us WANT TO SMASH OUR STUPID HEAD INTO THE CORNER OF AN XBOX and cry until our TEARS GO BLACK.

Naturally, all this WHOOPSY BLUBBING and GENERAL PATHETICNESS has seen our standing in general society plummet to wretched new depths. GERALD FROM THE ORC AGAINST ELDAR MOVEMENT is threatening to paint my new [tear-stained] tower an unsightly shade of gunmetal, Mum keeps saying she is "all hugged out" and that "maybe you should see someone" and LAUREN NEVER SEEMS TO ANSWER MY FUCKING BEGGING LETTERS even though I've sent one to every listed address in the town where I am guessing she lives.

I even enclose a photo of me next to my CHIPPED XBOX in EVERY letter and still she doesn't respond. [Note to self: Perhaps it's because I've printed them on A4 paper to save money. Should think about getting them professionally done.]

In short, LAUREN HAS RUINED MY ONCE BARELY-NOTICEABLE LIFE and if anyone on this website looks at these TEAR-INVOKING NEW PICTURES OF HER AMAZING FACE AND BODY, then I'll be informing my mum who will no doubt pretend to speak to the family lawyer to placate me.

LAUREN IS MINE AND I'LL HAPPILY LOSE A CRINGEY, TEAR-INFESTED, NON_EXISTENT LEGAL BATTLE TO PROVE IT. Please stop looking at her, you'll only be wasting the court's time and effectively allowing burgalrs into your nan's home to beat her skull in and rob your inheritance.

GOD, LAUREN IS SO BEAUTIFUL.

GOD! CAN YOU HEAR ME?

I NEED HER SOOOOO BAD!

[Sobs shitloads, gets called downstairs for lunch, eats just-cheese sarney with crusts partially removed, feels better, plays Xbox]