There's an etiquette to preparing for an interview with Pamela Anderson. Having her catch you with your tallywacker in your hand is not part of it. But it pains your reporter to admit, that's what happened. Here's how... 
Women have more affairs these days. So swing from the chandelier once in a while because if you're not going to do it, somebody else will 
Pamela Anderson is due to phone Maxim from LA at 8pm - but she's late. During the wait two cans of light ale have been consumed and Maxim's bladder demands a visit to the gents. But this would require deserting the phone. Twenty-five minutes later, still in possession of a non-ringing phone and a swelling bladder, the only option is to wee in the cans. This delicate process is halfway to completion when the phone rings.
Of course, Pammy can detect a man caught with his trousers down. 'You sound stressed, I hope this isn't a bad time: she probes in honeycoated tones. As if time alone with Pammy could ever be bad. Even when it results in an unexpected dry-cleaning bill.
Fortunately she has urgent things to discuss. 'Tell everyone I'm not dying: she urges, referring to her Hepatitis C. The papers are saying I haven't long to live. I'd like the world to know that I'm not about to drop dead.'
These pictures should confirm that Ms Anderson is very much a part of our world. And still rocking I it like no other...
You're looking as sexy as ever in these photos. Are your photo shoots as much fun as the results would suggest?
They really are because I'm not shy in front of a camera. Oh, and shoes. Shoes are very important to me. When I was filming V.I.P. I couldn't remember my lines unless I had my heels on. I've always believed that even if you're naked with shoes, you're still dressed.
Do you enjoy looking at photos of yourself as much as we do?
No, I hate it. Nobody shows me pictures of myself because they know I won't like them. I see pictures of me and I think, 'I'm better looking than that: It's sad but true. I know what I've got and I'm happy with what I have but I don't think I'm all that.
You'll have to take our word for it then. Have your children seen any of your work?
I was watching Stripperella [cartoon superhero series based on Pammy] the other day and turned round to see my kids peeking over the top of the couch. It's okay though because when they saw the cartoon character of me dancing around the pole I told them it was a fireman's pole. It's funny because my youngest son said to me at school last week, 'Why do all my friends like you? Why does everybody like you?'
Do you find a lot of dads loitering when you turn up at the school?
No, they're so used to me because I'm involved with the school. I read a story to the class last week and one little girl said, 'I was watching Baywatch and saw you on my TV', then another girl put her hand up and said, 'I saw you on TV but my mum jumped in front of it and turned it off before I could get a good look: I was like, 'Okay, story finished, time to go.'
What were you like as a schoolgirl?
A short, flat-chested, smart, athletic tomboy. All I cared about was volleyball, fitness tests and playing sax in the jazz band. I was popular though because I had a personality. But I never thought I was pretty and hated my body.
Did you blossom overnight?
Kind of. I remember in junior high, a boy poured water down my shirt yelling, 'Now maybe they'll grow.' I was embarrassed and just wanted them to come. I got one nipple first and thought it was cancer so tried to beat it back into my chest. Then the other popped out and they've been tearing through sweaters ever since. My nipples were always hard. The more I tried to make it stop, the worse it got. That hasn't stopped. Even my cartoon character in Stripperella cuts glass with her nipples.
We hear you're a bit of an agony aunt now too...
I have a weekly radio show where I'll I help people who call in with their ~ problems. It's therapeutic for me but just lately it's been mostly drunk truck drivers calling in asking about blow jobs.
Do you cut them off, so to speak?
Oh no, I tell them everything they need to know. But I don't think I've explored the depths of my knowledge just yet.
Okay, so what's the most common mistake that men make in bed?
Not being adventurous enough. Not talking dirty enough. Women have more affairs these days. So swing from the chandelier once in a while because if you're not going to do it, somebody else will.
But Englishmen are far too reserved for dirty talk.
Well, I haven't actually been with an Englishman but you can say 'fuck' a lot can't you? That's all you need do. But you know, it really isn't an excuse because when I speak in an English accent in bed, I can still talk dirty.
What sort of dirty English girl do you become?
An English airline stewardess. Not a Virgin one though! The funny thing with me is that I used to think that all people spoke with different accents when making love. I don't know where I got that. That's why I end up talking like a southern girl on a haystack or an English air hostess.
Does size matter?
I can't tell you because I don't think I've ever seen a small penis. I've seen a pierced one though and I didn't like that.
You're one of the sexiest women in the world. Has a man ever failed to get wood with you?
You mean impotent? Ha ha! No! Lucky me. The problem with men is more to do with premature ejaculation, isn't it? And if you want my advice on that, think about baseball.
Have you found that your sex drive increases as you get older?
Put it this way, I'm 36, single and there are no sharp corners left in my house. So yes, I need a man! My furniture's getting worn. H
Have you ever felt that sex ruins your life and that you just want nothing more to do with it ever again?
There's a point just after you've had children when they become the focal point. You think, I'm tired, I'm breastfeeding my baby, the last thing I want is something else poking at me. But that didn't last long. Probably a day or two.
Blokes think you're a guy's girl. Is that true or are you secretly girly?
Oh, I'm a girl's girl and I love it. People think that it's beer guzzling men who watch me but the research always shows that my audience is split 50-50 men and women. I think women and men can relate to me.
Every woman we've interviewed says that they fancy you. Which woman does it for you?
Oh, all women have a degree of sex appeal. I love sexy women. The prettier the better, the more the merrier. Liz Hurley is particularly gorgeous.
Last year you hosted the British Style Awards with Richard Bacon. Pop quiz - who and what is Richard Bacon?
Doesn't he host Top of the Pops? And he used to be on a kid's show but got kicked off for taking drugs? At least you guys have a sense of humour about it. Richard was fun, though I kept accidentally calling him Kevin Bacon.
Talking of British degeneracy, has 'dogging' reached LA yet?
What's dogging? [Maxim explains about couples driving to remote car parks to have sex in their cars while being watched by dirty old men.] Oh my God! That's wild. I'm going to tell all my friends. You guys seem to be having more fun than us over here. There's plenty of dogwalking in California so I guess we're halfway there. But you know, I couldn't do it. I mean, I'm an exhibitionist but not to that extent. That is so funny. Dogging! I bet Richard Bacon does it. No, I bet he started it!
Any hidden talents you'd care to share with us?
I can sing, I can write and I'm a good photographer. I've got a publishing deal so I'm writing dirty novels for sexy girls - that's fun. But I love taking photos. People tell me I should have been a photographer and they're right. You see, I think visually and I've a good eye for taking a sexy picture - my composition is really good. Other stuff I'm terrible at and I don't know why I'm getting so much attention for it, but photography I'm good at.
Anything else you excel at?
Backflips. I used to be a gymnast so I've always been good that way. I was on a private plane and just got the urge so I ended up doing backflips down the aisle wearing a tiny bikini. There were only 10 people on the plane but I got a hell of an ovation.
And finally - do you own any David Hasselhoft records?
I once received one as a Christmas present. From David. And I've still never played it...
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