Jennifer Metcalfe

On The Couch

	'I like men that are all man. Hairy. Big. I like them raw with a bit of stubble - and smelly!'

Jennifer Metcalfe opens the door in a white robe, ushers Maxim inside, then hops on the bed. It’s like we’re having an illicit affair! Except she’s really just getting ready for an awards ceremony. So all this palaver about ‘an exclusive interview with Hollyoaks’ latest sex goddess’ wasn’t just an charming ruse to get us to come up to her hotel room after all. Shame, as she’s just our type: extremely attractive!

You’ll soon see her in the show as Mercedes McQueen, who will be putting it about a bit, like a proper little putter-abouter. In real life, though, Jennifer’s an unaffected Bradford lass, with a natural sexiness and funny chat that was as incessant as Maxim’s attempts to look down her robe!

Hello, Jennifer. Give us a potted history of your life so far.

I’m 22, and I was brought up on a council estate. I was an only child, although I’ve got six second brothers and one sister. Then I did a degree in health and fitness. After that I got a job, and then realised that working-for-a-living lark is nowhere near as much fun, and tried to get back into acting. I sent some CVs off, got myself an agent, and then got this part.

Were you a troublemaker at school?

No, I’ve never ever skived in my life. I was just there at school. I wasn’t a cool kid or a geek – I found a happy medium. One naughty thing I did was I chopped one of the ponytails off my best friend in nursery.

So just that one random act of cruelty, then?

Yeah. I used to have a huge crush on Peter Andre at school. I used to snog his poster.

That’s sickening. Are you with anyone now?

No, I’m single now – and I’m not looking for anyone. I’ve been out on a couple of dates, but I’m not looking for a relationship. I was in one for five years, and then one for three years, so haven’t been single since I was 15. I don’t know what it’s like. Fancy giving me any tips?

Well, get used to sitting alone in hotel rooms (Jennifer stares at Maxim)… Sorry, that’s a window into our life you didn’t need. So, what do you look for in a man?

I like a man who can make me laugh, a man who has a lot of charisma. Someone who I can be myself with at all times. Looks are always nice, though they don’t really matter. That said, I’ve never actually been out with an ugly guy.

Try it – you might like it. Does that mean you go for fake-tanned, waxed girlie-men?

No! I like men that are all man. Hairy. Big. I hate it when a man looks like they obsess about themselves. I like them raw, with a bit of stubble – and smelly!

So tramps, basically?

Yeah, tramps!

And where do you go out on a Saturday night to find these tramps?

I usually go on nights out into Leeds with the girlies. I’ve just moved there. There’s loads of places in Leeds – you’ve got your chav area, your posh area and then your really upper-class area. I just float between them all.

Have you and your mates got any daft catchphrases?

A few! We say dead stupid stuff. Our new one is: ‘I ain’t Jesus!’ We were in pub, and this guy asked us to do something, and I just said, ‘I ain’t Jesus!’ We thought it was dead good, so now we say it all the time. And if we see a fit man we say he’s ‘a bit of beef’.

That’s degrading to men.

I’m sure they say worse about us.

That’s true. So what’s your Hollyoaks character like, then?

Very confident. Feisty. She’s a bit of a bitch, but everyone likes her. She tries to use her looks to get what she wants, and she’s always got a little scam going on.

Is she like you?

No, she’s a bit tarty and doesn’t care about other people’s feelings, whereas I’m quite soft. The writing for her is the kind of stuff that I’d say, though. She’s, like, ‘Eurgh! It stinks!’ She common and she knows what she wants – just like me!

What fictional character are you most like?

My mum says I look like Jessica Rabbit, because I have a skinny waist and a big bum. A big booty!

What’s your biggest achievement to date?

This!

Thanks very much.

No, not this interview! Hollyoaks! I’ve always wanted to do this, and it hasn’t sunk in yet.

Oh. What’s your crappest achievement so far?

I once went on a helicopter ride, and they gave me a certificate for it. It wasn’t that hard.

What would you do if a deranged psychopath kicked in the door right now and attacked you?

I don’t know! I’ve never had a fight. I’d panic and scream.

You could grab that lamp and hit him really hard.

No, I’d just get under the table and cry in the corner.

You big wimp. Tell us a secret.

I sleep with my teddy, Scruffbag, every night. Want to see a picture? I’ve got him as a screensaver.

Thanks for that. The interview’s over now. Please feel free to get changed. We’ll look away. (Maxim is escorted out of the room)