God bless Big Brother. The nation's annual devotion to it means that leagues of students now routinely fail their summer exams. Also, like a massive erection machine, it's churned out this little sex kitten from its clammy erotic cogs. Sam's so sexy that if she was actually a kitten, we'd lock her in our specially designed 'feline travelling cage', even though we normally draw the line at intercourse with domestic cats. 
I've had some sex since leaving the Big Brother house. Finally. Someone I met through work 
Hello.
Hello.
Why do you think we've built a padded cell to photograph you in?
Probably because you think I'm mental.
What do you think the British public thought of you?
The same I suppose - that I'm a bit crazy.
You went to university. What was your dissertation about?
Whether the 'new lad-ette' culture means there&'s a gap in the market for a new women's magazine. And I reckon there definitely, unanimously, is. Girls want to see guys with no clothes on.
What? Even guys like us?
Yeah. I speak to a lot of girls, and what they want is naked men. Like a Maxim for girls?
Yeah. Do it! Someone's gonna do it. I should do it myself. And they just want normal guys on the cover. Normal guys that happen to be naked. Q:Of all the offers you've had since leaving the Big Brother house, what's been the best and what's been the worst?
What kind of offers? Do you mean sex?
Well, no, we meant work. But we can start with sex, if you want to.
Well, I've had some sex since leaving the house.Finally.
Erm... cool. Who with? Wait, let us guess... Calum Best?
No. Someone I met through work.
What's work these days?
Well, I've been offered some TV-presenting work, and my magazine and website with naked men. Do you want to star in it?
We don't think we should inflict that misery on the public. Have you had any bad offers?
I've had some porn offers! And I might even consider them, but only if they agree to show men's penises. I was watching Television X last night, and there were no penises at all. If I was going to do it, I'd have to have penises written into my contract.
Penises and pay? Cash and cocks?
Yeah, exactly. I can't get off on girls any more; I'm bored of girls.
You don't get many penises on TV. Except maybe Jimmy Carr.
I know, they're like the Crown Jewels.
After you come out of the Big Brother house, do you get lessons in how to leave a club drunk and get into a taxi without showing your pants to the paparazzi? Q:Well, I got told I'd get sacked if I misbehaved too much, even though I've fallen drunk out of clubs and been photographed a few times now. Q: Have you had any advice from former Big Brother inmates?
I spoke to Nadia. She's nice. No advice though.
In return for eternal happiness, which of the Big Brother housemates would you sacrifice on the maggoty altar of Satan?
What? They'd have to die? No one. That's just sick.
All right, then: who would you banish to the depths of Hell on a temporary basis? Two years, say.
Anthony, probably. Or maybe Lesley, she's not a pretty sight at the best of times.
Amen. Is there anything you wish you'd done in the house?
I wish I'd been there longer, and that I'd tried a bit harder. I shouldn't have given so much of a fuck about things, and just let myself go a bit more. I shouldn't have given a fuck about what the men in the house thought of me.
You're not shy, are you? We've never seen you wearing many clothes. Is that something you’ll carry on not doing?
No, I doubt it. I want to take photographs of naked men, not have them photographing me.
If you could choose the celebrities for the next Celebrity Big Brother, who would you pick?
Abi Titmuss... Colin Farrell...
What celebrity would you put in there just to piss the rest off?
I think it'd be a bit cruel to put them in that house with some horrible egotistical male celebrity who pisses them off...
Like a member of Blue?
Actually, I quite like Blue. Well I like Duncan. He called me, but I've never met him.
He just called you? That's weird.
He was very charming.
Right. So has the male attention you've received rocketed?
It has. I didn't even get looked at before I went into the house. Now it's like a bad rash.
Even strangers?
Yeah, all for photographs... and to speak to their friends on their mobiles. They all say, 'I thought you were great in the house,' but I don't know why. It looked like I barely said anything.
Have you watched the shows?
I tried, but I'm barely in them!
Would you like to be the next Victoria Beckham?
Yes, that'd be great.
What would your Spice Girl nickname be?
Sexpot Spice!
Catchy.
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