Kelly Monaco

Telly's Kelly

	The dresses have to be short and sexy and skimpy. I was scared of the dresses at first...

Attention please – this is Kelly Monaco. Who? Why, only the amazingly hot winner of Dancing With The Stars, the Brucie-free, US version of Strictly Come Dancing. Twenty-two million Americans watched her be twirled to victory by a spandexed eunuch as various glittery outfits struggled to contain her splendid curves.

Before her dancefloor success, Kelly was perhaps best known for starring in General Hospital, the US soap-opera that’s a bit like Casualty, except not crap. Kelly’s amazing figure may already be familiar thanks to an appearance in Playboy – she posed nude in 1997 and made Playmate of the Month! She’s also rumoured to be in the new series of Desperate Housewives. We’d chop off both our feet to have one drunken dance with her!

Is it true your first words upon winning were ‘Holy shit!’?

Yeah. I couldn’t believe I said it. Then I went, ‘Oh, my God! Are we still on air?’ And the host, Tom Bergeron, said, ‘Yes, honey, we are!’ Then I think I said something like ‘Holy Christ!’; I was trying to cover up the ‘Holy shit!’.

Good save. You didn’t look like you were going to win after the first episode. The judge said your face looked like somebody had died.

Ah, the notorious first episode. I was shocked that he went there – my family was appalled. My little nephew looked at my mom and said, ‘Did somebody die?’ He really thought someone had died. It gave me a kick in the butt and made me work even harder.

Did you want to kick that judge up the arse?

No, no, no. That’s stooping to their level. I wanted to prove to myself that I could do better than they thought. That first week actually worked in my favour – it got the audience rooting for me.

Do you think the fact that your dress broke also helped?

Ha! Maybe for the judges. It showed them I had a professional side and lots of determination. One of them gave me a standing ovation, and not because the dance was perfect…

After the ‘wardrobe malfunction’, what went through your head?

‘Is there a five-second delay?’ It’s a live show, and the whole Janet Jackson thing flew through my mind; the network getting fined, people fired, stuff like that.

Why do ballroom dancers have to dress so sexily?

They go with the dances – especially the Latin dances, like the samba. It’s booty-shakin’ fun, you know? The dresses have to be short and sexy and skimpy. I was scared of the dresses at first. When I saw them I laughed and said, ‘You’ve got to be kidding me!’ But what about those guys who grind their willies against girls? That looks fun. Is that part of it? A:OK, now that’s a personal-space issue. You can’t intrude on a woman unless you’re invited in, but so many men end up in a corner and just kind of bob their heads. Go out! Dance! Be free!

OK, so you win the big dance contest. You go to bed, wake up… who is the first person to call you?

Well, I didn’t go to bed. After the contest, ABC threw a party for all the people involved. Then I went home and studied 45 pages of dialogue for General Hospital. Then, at 2am, we had to do Good Morning America, but we had to wait for about four hours because of the bombings in London. I left there at 6.30am, was at work at 9am and worked for the next 12 hours. I was close to a nervous breakdown. I got home and was hysterical, just crying in my car.

What was the most ridiculous soap-opera plot you were ever involved in?

Oh, Jesus. Do you have an hour? I was a vampire for about three years, back when I was on a show called Port Charles. I had a really ridiculous story-line when I first got on General Hospital. I was a treasure-hunting, boat-salvaging, gold-digging moron card shark. Now I’m dating a mob tycoon. It’s very Bonnie and Clyde…

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