Lawler, Leilani & Heaton

Near-naked celebrity girl fight

	When I'm on my knees, I'd bite both their willies off. That way, I've fucked them up, and I can run away with all my resources

Scantily clad women, rolling around a ring with each other in the name of sport? On television to boot? 'Let's 'ave some of this...' we gleefully shouted at each other.

Then came this photoshoot, boasting Big Brother winner Kate Lawler, model Leilani and Liberty X singer Michelle Heaton. We copped an eyeful of their gracious curves and delightful moves and lo and behold, if we weren't wrestling amongst each other, we'd be eager for a slice of the action.

Kate Lawler

You're walking down a dark alley when two muggers appear. What do you do?

I'd say: 'Stop! Guys, do you know who you're mugging?' Then I'd talk to them, lull them into a false sense of security and say, 'If I do something nice to you both, will you stop mugging me?' Then, when I'm on my knees, I'd bite both their willies off. That way, I've fucked them up, and I can run away with all my resources.

But you had to put two strangers' penises in your mouth?

No, I wouldn't take them in my mouth, I'd just bite them. In fact, I'd probably yank one and bite the other one.

You're completely naked, in a paddling pool, when a woman (also naked) comes at you like a storm trooper. In detail, what would you do?

I'm not going to be dirty here, even though you want me to be. I'd use one of my wrestling moves to take them down, one called the 'Arsehole Takedown'.

The 'Arsehole Takedown'?

You basically have your legs on the outside of their knee and you use all your weight to push them down. Once she's in the paddling pool I'd get on top of her and grab her neck and hold her head underwater until she's blue. And then I'd just walk off.

So you'd actually kill her?

No, I would just wait until she turned blue.

How would you deal with a pack of wolves that had you cornered in a hardware shop, assuming every DIY item on sale is within easy reach?

I'd probably get a nail-gun and fire it at the wolves - try to get nails right in their eyes to blind them, then they wouldn't know where I was, so I could escape.

THE SAS VERDICT
Ex-SAS security expert Kevin Reeves on Kate's tactics: 'Kate's blowjob defence strategy is a new one on me, and a futile form of attack. Her nail-gun use for the wolves is a good option - blinding attacking animals is the best form of defence once they have committed to attacking you.'

Leilani

You're walking down a dark alley when two muggers appear. What do you do?

First of all, I'd get out my lipstick and draw a circle around me so it's like my wrestling podium, and I'd feel comfortable.

And, of course, most muggers would give you the time to do that.

Yeah, exactly. I'd say, 'Stand back! Stand back!' Then I'd get my key and put it through my fingers so it's like a big spike, take off my stilettos so I'm on a flat surface, and then pick up the beer bottle and use that.

You're completely naked, in a paddling pool, when a woman (also naked) comes at you like a storm trooper. In detail, what would you do?

I think if it's a woman I'd probably just run. If it was a guy, I might wrestle around for a little bit, and then throw him out.

How would you deal with a pack of wolves that had you cornered in a hardware shop, assuming every DIY item on sale is within easy reach?

Um, I'd get a chainsaw, and aim for the first wolf. I'd cut his head off, then I'd throw his head at the other wolves, and then I'd chop up all the other wolves, while throwing ice-picks and shooting nail-guns at them. Seems a bit excessive... Yeah, shooting nails while wielding the chainsaw, in case they start jumping at me.

Ex-SAS security expert Kevin Reeves on leilani's tactics
'Leilani is clearly a tactical thinker; losing the stilettos early and forming a immediate defensive area around you is clearly the most effective method - although the lipstick circle is somewhat ridiculous. Top marks here - the most effective form of defence is of course a fast, explosive burst of offence. You could also throw your handbag to the left and run to the right. This will startle and distract the muggers, and hopefully lure them into stealing your handbag while you escape.'

Michelle Heaton

You're walking down a dark alley when two muggers appear. What do you do?

I'd take them both at the same time, and wrap my legs around them, then sumo wrestle them to the floor until they begged for my mercy.

You're completely naked, in a paddling pool, when a woman (also naked) comes at you like a storm trooper. In detail, what would you do?

I'd point and laugh at her and make her feel stupid, so she gets out. I'd trash talk her: 'You little whore! Look at you with no clothes on!'

What if it was Victoria Silvstedt?

I'd would grab her by her hair and rip it out! And then I'd probably give her a good slap in her boobs and hope they'd burst. You'd burst her breasts? Yeah, there's got to be some way of popping those boobs. Doesn't she have that thing where you can pump them up as much as you want? That means she's got a hole somewhere, so I could stick my finger in there and rip the goddamn things out. No, I'm making that up, she hasn't got that... I'd have to just rip them off with my bare hands!

How would you deal with a pack of wolves that had you cornered in a hardware shop, assuming every DIY item on sale is within easy reach?

I would get one of those sanders, and I'd switch it on and hold it in front of me, and then I'd wait until all the wolves come at me and then sand their faces down.

Ex-SAS security expert Kevin Reeves on Michelle's tactics
'Michelle is clearly the forward type. It's somewhat bemusing she opts for a vagina face-thrust early on. I think she may be better served by a more defensive approach - pushing her assailants away while shouting 'bomb'to raise attention from passers by.As for slapping Victoria's boobs, you're better served punching them. They'll bruise very easily and have greater painful effect.'