Hollyoaks

Storylines we'd like to see unfold...

1) Carmel McQueen (Gemma Merna) takes up Mud wrestling. Mercedes Fisher (Jennifer Metcalfe) snogs her boyfriend. They decide to settle it in the ring. The episode is broadcast after the Watershed.

2) Theresa McQueen (Jorgie Porter) takes up Mud wrestling. Mercedes Fisher (Jennifer Metcalfe) snogs her boyfriend. They decide to settle it in the ring. The episode is broadcast after the Watershed.

3) Jacqui McQueen (Claire Cooper) takes up Mud wrestling. Mercedes Fisher (Jennifer Metcalfe) snogs her boyfriend. They decide to settle it in the ring. The episode is broadcast after the Watershed.

4) The McQueen sisters get really annoyed with Mercedes Fisher (Jennifer Metcalfe) and deicde the only way to settle it is to play topless darts against her whilst inebriated. The episode is broadcast after the Watershed.

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5) Mercedes Fisher (Jennifer Metcalfe) discovers she has horrible case of brittle bone disease so sets about finding her exact opposite by blowing up trains and planes and buildings and stuff and seeing who survives. Then waging a personal war against them. Her phrase is "They call her Mrs Glass!"

6) Mercedes Fisher (Jennifer Metcalfe) moves to a new area and starts getting picked on by the locals. She meets a really old Japanese dude from Okinawa who teaches her karate. Instead of descending to the level of her bullies she takes them on in a national tournament and wins by executing an unstoppable martial maneouvre and wearing a headband thing.

7) Mercedes Fisher (Jennifer Metcalfe) has just come back from serving in the war. A brooding loner with a thousand-yard stare and a fluffy bouffant she visits her last remaining Forces buddy, realises he’s already dead and then mopes around the town like a moody teenager. A pushy local sheriff who doesn’t like anyone to give him ‘any horseshit about jurisdiction’, takes exception to this wispy drifter and arrests her because he doesn’t like the cut of her jib. What this law-loving moron doesn’t realise is that he’s dealing with one-man wrecking/flashback machine, generally considered by even the toughest of nuts to be a hairdryer short of a salon. You don’t push her or she gives you a war you won’t believe.

8) Mercedes Fisher (Jennifer Metcalfe) gets embroiled in the robbery of a pharmacy, avoids getting herself shot, but ends up blowing a French copper's head off and is sentenced to death by lethal injection. Then, rather than waking up in some cotton-covered afterlife, she's held captive in a secret location where killers who are already dead are trained to kill again, but this time under scrupulous government tutelage.

9) Mercedes Fisher (Jennifer Metcalfe) joins a bloodthirsty gang of socially deviant Droogs. They spend their nights dressed somewhere between Chris Eubank and the Skeksis in the warped, neo-classical environs of the Korova milk bar, exchanging words in their own dialect and sharpening their senses in readiness for a bit of the old ultra-violence and the old in-out in-out. Mercedes reserves special favour for the "surprise visit" and likes to top a night of raping and rollicking with a bit of the old Luwig van [Beethoven]. Unfortunately for "little Mercedes", after one evening's fun stoving a flat-chested old spinster's head in with a giant china cock, his backward Droogie chums turn against him and he ends up sentenced for murder and condemned to a life inside the state-controlled prison system.
The slick, cocky, vicious and manipulating Fisher is given the reprieve her taste in music deserves when she is selected to be the next inmate guinea pig for the Ludovico Technique – a government experiment designed to eradicate violent crime. Fisher is heavily doped and exposed to images more disturbing than Judy Finnegan doing step aerobics. The treatment renders her helpless to violence, the "unrestrained Joy of Battle" giving way to pathetic bouts of sickness and nausea. The "reformed" DeLarge is then set free, and hurriedly upon by all those whose lives he gleefully fucked over in the past. Then she gets her boobies out.

Hi Jennifer! [Waves]