Annette Melton

Working out with Annette Melton

If we saw Annette Melton in the gym this is what we'd like to think would happen:

- We'd load every weight on the barbell without breaking eye contact with her, then lift it like a dumbbell, eye contact still locked;

- Then we'd show her how the arm curl machine thing works whilst nonchanantly demonstrating the perfect balance between Jock Cock and Friendly Gym Guy Who's Definitely Not Interestd in Bum Porn;

- Now time for a gag. We'd make a pithy joke whilst we're on adjacent cycling machines that makes her laugh so hard she has to stop cycling, demount and berate us gently with her tiny fists. We are clever, muscly and funny you see!

This is what would actually happen:

- We'd load every weight onto the barbell and then explode a vein in our neck whilst trying to lift it and have to be removed from the gym by paramedics;

- On our return, 45mins later, ugly drenched dressing on neck, we'd attempt to show her how the arm curl machine works, accidentally spill some of our head sweat/blood onto her thigh and then burp a strange fishy belch right into her mouth whilst shoutily encouraging her during the 10th rep;

- Finally, just as it's becoming obvious she hates us, we'd follow her creepily to the bikes and make a pithy joke whilst we're on adjacent cycling machines that doesn't make her laugh but does make us fart continuously and loudly for about 15 seconds resulting in a smell which clears the whole aerobic area and me being ejected from the building and told never to come back. She then turns out to be our kid's teacher and the next week I have to talk to her seriously about his future alongside my wife, who berates me constantly in front of her. I fart there too.