Tactic: Argue them into submission

FACT: There is no better qualified person in the world of broadcast media at getting a proper answer out of a politician than Mr Jeremy Paxman. He will not stop asking until he is answered. And then if he doesn't rate the response, HE'LL ASK AGAIN UNTIL HE DOES!

Tactic: Sense them into submission

It's not too long when you're in the presence of Noel that you begin to see everything his way; that's why his borther hates him so much. Because he's normally right. Imagine setting Noel's rhythmic, systematic mind to work on the FIFA delegates. He'd love it.

Tactic: Enthuse them into submission

Is there anyone in the world more into being British than Mr Danny Baker. Whether it's bangers and mash, the lyrics to Jerusalem, Farah cords or queuing in the post office, Danny can think of a reason why it's GREAT.

Tactic: Point them into submission

"Woah, woah, woah Mr Blatter, I'll do the talking for a bit here if ya don't mind. And I'll promise ya this. [Leans forward, points] As sure as I've got a hole in my bloody arse I'll be walking out of this place with the World Cup under my arm, understand?"

Tactic: Offend them into submission

Allow him to polish off the contents of the limo's sherry supply before he arrives and then let him work the room. In ten minutes the reception will be devoid of any competing countries' delegates, and the rest of the team will be free to work their persuasive magic!

Tactic: Stare them into submission

There may not be a better starer on the British Isles than the belligerent author, Martin Amis. After he'd finished staring at Blatter and co he would rip them to metaphorical shreds with his pre-prepared, unhinged and inarguable rhetoric.

Tactic: Bore them into submission

Meetings with high-ranking delegates are often filled with moments of muted deliberation and analysis. Opik's left cranium wouldn't be able to handle this. He'd spazz out, reach new levels of banality and bore the fuckers into submission.

Tactic: Shout them into submission

He's a good lad is Basil but imagine being in the fella's company for more than 20 minutes; you tape up his gob and burn his brush off, wouldn't you? "Ha ha ha! Boom Boom!" Come on, how brilliant would that sound in FIFA HQ?

Tactic: Nice them into submission

The most tolerant duo on telly, if they can put up with each other for this long they can definitely put up with Blatter and his cronies. Get in our squad ahead of the Chuckle Brothers because of their powers of persuasion. Jungle>Spiders>Models>Mouths anyone?

Tactic: Botox them into submission

Those who consider Ms Price stupid, think again: she's a bolshy, savvy, brash Brighton lass who damn-sure knows how to manipulate the media and, more importantly in our case, knows how to GET WHAT SHE WANTS. Seriously, would you mess with her?