Everyone was a kid once. And, apart from the most unlucky of us, we were all a bit cute at one point. Which isn’t that interesting. Lots of men, however, like to dwell on this once-upon-a-time cuteness in their older years and display it as their Facebook profile picture. It shows their vulnerability you see. And women comment on it, which is the main thing. It’s an “in” to really naff conversation.
Sample quote: Jen: “Ahhhh!! who wud of thort it Is that relay u? xxx”
Cute Profile Man: “alrite jen!!! Yeah, who would beliv it eh. Time moves so fast etc Been ages Are u married yet?single. You fancy a drink or a meal. Do u still collect frogs Sry xxx”

Everything in the world is somehow related to the halcyon days at school. Has this person been living in a vortex ever since he dispensed with the uniform? Was school really that good? And did anyone actually like him? A sickly sweet c*nt of a man.
Sample quote: “Do you remember when [insert story involving teacher/girl from school/item of clothing here]

He’s teed you up with sixteen Tommy Guns and a rocket launcher from Mafia Wars and it’s only been 40 minutes since you grudgingly deleted his last “gifts”. He’s harmless, but he’s annoying. Wall C*nt [see below] hates him. And he probably has a baseball cap on in his profile pic. He’s the Facebook Gamer.
Sample quote: “Martin McFrag has sent you a TrollLauncher on TrogLander. Join in the fun now!”

Talks about his wall as if it’s an important thing in his life. Always pays tribute to dead people on his Status Updates as if they had a profound effect on him. Spends a lot of time getting his wall just right so people get a good impression of him when they click on his profile. A meticulous bore.

Tags everything: the time you were in a squat on ecstasy doing impressions of Bella Emberg; the time in First School when you had a basin and dog shit down the front of your shirt; the unnecessary group meal shot at some lame eaterie in Sudbury. This is You. And this is how you are being remembered.
Sample quote: “Haha, Stu looks well caked in this one!”

If you went to every party he invites you to then you would never have enough time to actually check them on Facebook. Your relationship with him is tenuous at best.

Constantly amused by Groups entitled “I have a surname no-one can pronounce” or “I wonder if my hamster’s pancreas can get more fans than Eamonn Holmes”. Actively participates with such groups and talks about it down the pub afterwards.

Usually graduated from Cute Profile Man and an incessant Facebook picture prowler. Used to want to know specifically whether women he hadn’t seen in ages were “worth a shag” now or not. These days he just tries to friend anyone and write noncey stuff on their wall. His profile pic usually has a bit of the professional studio about it or contains some sort of sports car, and he is fully aware of the fluctuating price of rohypnol on the internet and Chardonnay at his local wine bar.

Probably sees his girlfriend most nights but instead of telling her how much he’s into it via text or, god forbid, to her face, he spouts interminable love-gush over the Facebook airwaves instead. The whole world must know he is in love. And, indeed,  that someone loves him. Probably the victim of a horrific break-up or a broken home. Our girlfriend would dump us if we did this. Thank God.
Sample quote: [Insert numpty name here] has the most wonderful girlfriend ever and feels really lucky!!! Here’s to an ace time in [insert romantic holiday destination here]. Love you sooooo much Cassie!!!!!”

Has mad arguments over Facebook and revels in it. Tells everyone to stop messing in her business. Especially her ex. All the people from school that reluctantly accepted her friend request now politely hide her from their news feeds. And if she pops up again, she’s deleted.
Sample quote: ‘Im not a slag and any one who says I am can bring it to my face! As 4 u Johnny, thats the last time your ever gonna see ur little Jack again, and that’s a promise, TWAT!’