Beef: Being small, talking about Diff'rent Strokes, being loooked at

Post-Diff’rent Strokes all the cute child cast lost the plot. Drugs, depression and debt encircled their laugh-ridden little world and the main star, Gary Coleman, turned from an impossibly “adorable” adopted black kid from Harlem into a narky little twat with convictions for assault, disorderly conduct and domestic violence. He hasn’t smiled since 1987*. (*We don’t know if this is true.)

Beef: anything that moves that doesn't kiss his ass in a way he deems acceptable

Pissed-off with his mafia rank and with anyone/anything that he doesn't like, Tommy is the archetypal bully, and the last person you want to spill a drink on on a night out. Even if you're his pal and you get him the wrong drink, he'll shoot you in the foot. Then later he'll laugh at your limp and shoot you in the chest. Then he'll dig the hole for your corpse and be pissed-off that it's him who has to throw you in. Nasty piece of work.

Beef: physical death and resultant voodoo transferral into small body

Charles Lee Ray, aka "The Lakeshore Strangler", not only has all the mental dysfunctions and drawbacks of being a psychotic murderer, what with his impromptu reincarnation as a disturbed Good Guy Doll and the fact he was mortally wounded by dipshit copper, Detective Mike Norris, he now harbours even less self-worth.

Beef: being small, national borders, receding hariline

Pissed-off warhorse who invented “Napleon Syndrome” by virtue of being 5 feet 6 inches tall,  overcompensating for his pathetic height by seeking power, war and conquest and, rather stupidly, hanging around with the dead tall Imperial Guard and eventually overextending his armies leading to his downfall in the Battle of Waterloo. Probably took a knife to the football.

Beef: Lois Griffin, the world at large

Obsessed with world domination and matricide, Stewie is the youngest child of Peter and Lois and harbours deep-set ambitions to dominate the world. A sexually ambiguant 1-year-old, he has touched on hanging out in gay bars. “"I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult, and then I think to myself: my God, wouldn't it be marvelous if I turned out to be a homosexual?" More "flamboyant" than "pissed-off" these days. But still narky as hell.

Beef: Anthony Daniels (the bloke inside C-3PO)

The man inside R2-D2, and described by our boss as a "bitter little shit", has been pissed-off with Anthony Daniels for yonks. "We could tour the world and make a lot of money," Baker had said to him. "But he looked down his nose at me like I was a piece of shit and said, ‘Sorry but I don’t do many of these convention things, go away little man.’ He really degraded me and made me feel small - for want of a better word."

Beef: Being a short-arse in the macho-posturing world of heavy metal

Built like a brick shithouse, the 'Evil Elvis' makes up for his paltry height by singing about Satan, and working his stubby little arms into bulky tree trunks. Notoriously vain, he won't let photographers snap his 'wrong side' otherwise he'll smash their stupid faces in, and he did have a go at a 'giant' roadie once in a legendary YouTube clip, but was knocked spark out, because unfortunately, despite the muscles, he's still not much taller than your average household labrador.

Beef: Democratic English rule, not getting everything his own way

Rebelling wherever possible, the ditzy lil' king made up for lack of inches by controversely marrying a Catholic and making extreme political decisions behind parliament's back. His petulance eventually led to 1000s of brutal deaths in the English Civil War, and even when he was granted one last chance to be a king, the sulking sod teamed up with Scotland, which eventually resulted in him becoming the only English monarch to have his moany head lopped off. Small man tantrums only get you so far...

Beef: Not making Xmas number one

Apparently, and this is not true at all, when Joe found out that his beaming little mush WASN'T going to be the Face of Christmas 2009(TM) he locked himself in a room and didn't actually grin that shit-eating grin, or even do any promotional activity for 35 minutes. "He was lucky he snapped out of it when he did," one insider said. "The public nearly forgot who he was. I know I did!"

Beef: everyone, everything, tall people

Professionally pissed-off small person, Dinklage added flavour to the brilliant Elf as pissed-off story creator, Miles Finch after being accused of being one of Sant'as Little Helpers. Dinklage was born with achondroplasia, causing dwarfism. His parents and his brother are all "normal" size. Which has got to grate. (Sorry, Peter)

Beef: Not appearing on enough men's websites!

When she's not roughing people up on Facebook and Twitter, Huddersfield's Shortest Model is making grown men cry in boxing rings. Even though she can enter the ring by just ducking under the bottom rope, such is her dwarfism, men of the surrounding area and mates of her snivelly opponent are refusing to mess. "We're not messing with her" one of them said. "She's terribly short but has an even shorter fuse. Stay well clear."