Clearly not a REAL footballer: his legs move like a demented riverdancer, and he celebrates goals like a juiced-up marine celebrates torching a civilian mud hut. And clearly his HUMAN ATTIRE CLOAKING coding has gone a trifle awry. Those fucking shades, jeez….

Presumably one of those lizard types barmy sports presenter David Icke referred to so profoundly back in the day, Jolie is unnaturally lipped yet says nothing of any interest, seeking social acceptance by adopting kids from economically decimated nations and parading them in glossy Westernised magazines. Probably amphibious.

Like the unearthly Keyser Soze, Simon Cowell has managed to convince the world of something. Unfortunately, it's not that he doesn't exist, rather that the things he finds important WE SHOULD ALL FIND IMPORTANT, TOO. An otherworldy virus that doesn't know its limits and should be seized by the government and quarantined forever.

A consistently blubbing and bloating android that simply cannot find peace on planet earth. Unless the eyes of the whole world are not focussed on its oversunned, daily-botoxed gills UNBLINKINGLY then it gets all silly in nightclubs and fucks muscly things. Classic extraterrestrial paroxysm.

The kind of scaley, fuck-faced alien that WON’T TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER. Not good looking in the mathematical sense. A terrible musician. Socially inept. Unfunny. A bad dresser. An all-round horrendous douchebag. The alien who programmed him got it all wrong.

The opposite to Altberg. Whichever twitching alien fuck programmed this “c*nt” got it a bit too right. His tedious, characterless perfection was always a bit "iffy" but when whoever was at the controls assigned this particular shit-eating grin to his face that was the turning point. Such a blatant "update" of human traits can only be a callous unearthly afterthought. Sex addict, my arse.

Granted, she did speak a lot of truth in the humanity vaccuum that is the Big Brother house, but her face was about as watchable as labrador necrophilia. With arthropod-like mandibles and long, hair-like appendages on her disagreeable visage this repellent creature's active camouflage faded a long time ago. We'd still rather have her round for dinner than anyone else on this page though...

 Never before has one human shown such a peculiar interest in other humans’ excrement. McKeith can’t get enough of it. Up, close and personal shit-looks, down the toilet prods, still-in-the-bum taps – she doesn’t care as long as she has shit in her life. An absurd and certainly-not-human trait. Hang heeeeeer!

Her manager/agent must be from another planet, meaning she must be too. No human would consistently make a c*nt of themselves in quite the humiliatingly public way that “our Kerry” has. Clearly has no idea what embarrassment is, and therefore cannot truly be one of us. Inhumane frozen goods fetish to boot.

If you had to describe the automotonic aliens in most old-school Hollywood pictures you would say they are “Pre-programmed idiots with no souls, just a pathetic hunger to dominate and conquer”. The same can be applied to these flexing, extra-terrestrial fucknuts. Go back to your own planet!