The '80s was brilliant wasn't it? It was the only decade that could get away with wearing bright pink Pony trainers, supporting QPR and finishing off mega-violent multi-bodycount action romps with touching soft rock ballads by John Parr, Tina Turner and various second-rate Michael Bolton copyists.
Imagine you've just watched a sweaty, snarly Arnie rocket-launch off some jackass' entire head, and Van Damme's just breakdanced in his spilled guts. Then drop to your knees and flick open your cigarette lighters to this little lot of swoony heart-melters. Inappropriate? Maybe. Genius? Oh, f**k YES!
1) RUNNING MAN
Arnie's just chainsawed some fat guy in half, electrocuted an opera singer and watched tens of innocent gameshow spectators get gunned down by corporate soldiers. But he does win. And he kisses a girl. Cue tear-jerking fist-punchy ballad by John 'St Elmo's Fire' Parr, which contains the witty lyric 'you hit the right spot', witty because the main perpetrator in the film has just been blown up, dead centre, on a giant billboard at 300mph - just like a human dart. ROFL! Jerk-off.
2) RAMBO: FIRST BLOOD
Ex-vet soldier John Rambo has just spent an entire f***ing film sprinting around the city, being hounded by gung-ho cops who want to melt his veiny body into soap, and there's this horrible bit where he stitches up his broken, bleeding arm after stubbing it on a tree. At the end of it though: 'IT'S A LONG ROAD' BY JERRY GOLDSMITH! What an utterly beautiful song. Eye-watering, organ-melting, life-affirming. Everything a great song should be.
3) COMMANDO
Aaaahhh, clever. You see, Arnie's just blown up/shot to pieces about 383 really, really bad criminals and an-ex army dude who's nastier and more horrible than all of them put together. Cue a titles music that's slightly manlier and even features the word FIGHT (wtf?!?). Still, it does redeem itself by also incorporating the word LOVE, too :o). Bless. It has a heart after all! Pass the Kleenex...
4) COBRA
I've got to be honest, I've not seen Cobra, or if I have, I would only have been about four and I can't remember a single knuckleduster-plated punch. But I do know Stallone plays a beefcake cop and the film's really, really, really, really, really, really violent. And this music - 'ANGEL OF THE CITY' sounds like something Tom Cruise would've popped his cherry to at high school. For real.
5) LETHAL WEAPON
Is this the one where Mel Gibson's cop gets horribly tortured and electrocuted by some really twisted evil shitrags, or did that happen in the sequel? If it is this one, though, then what better theme to have than a soft, string-tugging love song called 'HONEYMOON SUITE' sung by a girlie-voiced man with very big hair. It's gorgeous.
6) NO RETREAT NO SURRENDER
Jean Claude Van Damme beats up lots of well-muscled men. There's blood, screams, flexed muscles, gritted teeth etc. Credits roll with a track called 'Stand On Your Own', which in interspersed by bars of pretty '80s keyboard twiddle and fronted by a raw emotive vocal Michael Bolton would cut off his own balls to sing. You could easily have soft, slow sex to this song and no-one would batter a goddamn eyelid.
7) THE KARATE KID
'You're The Best Around?' Nope, I'm sorry, this is just disappointing. Who put this one in here?
8) HIGHLANDER
A bunch of sword-wielding 'immortals' run about for centuries, lopping off each others' heads in the quest for a massive prize and power. Countless severed heads later, this fantastical action romp 'explodes' into a gentle Queen goth-ballad about a decaying earth (or celebration of life), and is the musical equivalent of a newborn baby gently touching your chin with its itsy lil' paw. Weakens the knees quicker than a sledgehammer.
9) MAD MAX 3: BEYOND THUNDERDROME
Brutal post-apocalyptic adventure, with hordes of sinister mercenary f***wits and a deadly gladiatorial sport where prisoners are forced to fight to the death in sheer, cold, bloody violence. But the film has Tina Turner in it, so cue 'We Need Another Hero' whimsical title ballad to wrap it all up. Truly delightful. Your mum will love.
10) BLOOD SPORT
Screw it, it's all gone to pot.
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