10. DIEGO FORLAN (Manchester United)
Since leaving United in 2004, Forlan has been scoring goals
for fun in La Liga, so was he really that bad at Old Trafford? Well, yeah, he
was actually. Lest we forget, it took Diego more than eight months and 27 games
to hit the net for united, and when he did, it hardly opened the floodgates.
Just nine goals later, he was on his bike again. One to file next to Kleberson
in Fergie’s catalogue of dodgy buys.
9. AFONSO ALVES (Middlesborough)
Whenever Boro start sniffing around a big-name striker, you
just know they’ll end up arse-over-tit. Fabrizio Ravanelli racked up a ton of
goals, but failed to stave off relegation. Massimo Maccarone was so inept, he
even made us feel a bit of sympathy for Steve McLaren. And Afonso Alves was
just a donkey. With a price tag of £12.7 million he’s scored just 10 league
goals in his Teesside career, costing over £1 million per strike. And that is the reason Boro went down. Fact.
8. STEVE MARLET (Fulham)
At a princely £11.5 million, Marlet was Fulham’s record
signing. Signed by Jean Tigana, Marlet managed just eleven goals in three years
at the club, eventually scampering back to France with Marseille. Chairman
Mohamed Al Fayed was so incensed by Marlet’s failure, he took Tigana to court,
accusing him of profiting from the transfer. All charges were dropped but
Marlet’s legacy remains at the club, with Andy Johnson carrying on where the
Frenchman left off.
7. BOSKO BALABAN (Aston Villa)
Poor old Villa. Skinflint chairman Doug Ellis finally gets
his chequebook out, only to spaff £6 million on an unproven Croat no-mark.
Naturally, Bosko had scored a hatful in Croatian football, only to look decidedly
iffy on foreign soil. Or so we assume. John Gregory never actually gave him a
game, and Balaban was hastily packed off back to his homeland.
6. STEPHANE GUIVARC'H (Newcastle)
Just one of many god-awful frontmen to pitch up at St James’,
Stephane Guivarc’h caught Kenny Dalglish’s attention on the way to winning the
1998 World Cup with France. What Dalglish failed to notice was that despite
starting all seven games, Guivarc’h didn’t find the net once. He beat that
record on Tynside, but only by one. Dalglish got the boot, Gullit took over and
Guivarc’h was quickly sold off to Rangers. Silly apostrophe in his name too.
5. JASON LEE (Nottingham Forest)
You’ve got to feel sorry for him haven’t you? Having scored
a semi-respectable eight goals in the 1994-1995 season, Lee had forced himself
into the first team, and was fast becoming a cult hero among Forest fans. That
was until a dodgy run of form coincided with Baddiel and Skinner ripping the piss
out of his hair on national television. Suddenly away grounds up and down the
country were singing, ‘He’s got a pineapple on his head!’, and Lee’s confidence
went to pieces. He finished his Forest career with just 14 goals, and spent the
rest of his days knocking about the lower leagues. Should have just got his
hair cut, shouldn’t he?
4. SERGEI REBROV (Tottenham)
Having looked the real deal when linking up with Andriy
Shevckenko at Dynamo Kiev, Spurs thought they’d pulled off the coup of the
summer when landing Rebrov for £11 million in 2000. As it turned out, they
found themselves stuck with a man who’d struggle to hit water if he fell out of
a boat. After watching Rebrov limp to a miserable ten goals in 60 appearances,
Spurs’ lesson was learned. Until they signed Bobby Zamora.
3. ADE AKINBIYI (Leicester City)
Otherwise known as ‘Ade Akinbadbuyi’, the big Nigerian was
bought in as a replacement for fellow clogger Emile Heskey. Scoring just 11
times in 58 league outings, his Incredible Hulk spaz-out against Sunderland was
a highlight, coming after scoring a deflected effort from six yards out. He was right to make the most of it: a
ten game drought followed and Leicester were duly relegated.
2. ANDREA SILENZI (Nottingham Forest)
A £1.8 million signing from Torino, this horse-faced buffoon
was the archetypal foreign flop. Scoring just twice in 20 appearances, Silenzi
promptly lost his place to Jason Lee (see above – it tells you everything) and
was farmed out to Venezia on loan. When he refused to return, manager Dave
Bassett hit the roof and tore up his contract. Money well spent then.
1. TOMAS BROLIN (Leeds & Crystal Palace)
One of the stars of Euro ’92, 1995 saw Tomas Brolin turn up
at Leeds looking like he’d spent the last three years on his arse. His opening
goal for the club pretty much summed things up, the ball flying into the net
after a Sheffield Wednesday defender cleared it straight into Brolin’s face.
The Swede promptly leapt up and celebrated as if he’d scored an overhead kick from
his own half. An unhappy spell at Palace was to follow, before Brolin decided
enough was enough and returned to Sweden. He now makes a living flogging vacuum
cleaners. True story!
MORE FEATURES
Bookmark this post with: