His new tome, "Tell Him He's Pele... And Get Him Back On" The Funniest Football Quotes Ever, compiles pretty much every great quote ever said about the beautiful game.
We needn't say more than that really. Some books just belong in EVERY football fans' collection and Phil Shaw's new one is definitely one of them. (We may do a list of the rest next week.)
In the meantime, here's 20 blinding quotes from the 'Fleas in your pants - The players' section of the book to whet your appetite. Some display footballer's wit at their most savage and coy, some are just daft, some show a distinct case of Football Foot-in-Mouth disease...
"I'd compare myself to Zinedine Zidane - a humble guy who just happened to be the best"
Nicolas Anelka
"When Charlie Cooke sells you a dummy, you have to pay to get back in the ground"
Jim Baxter
"Alan Ball and me didn't see eye to eye - and it had nothing to do with him being 5ft 3in and me being 6ft 4in"
Dave Beasant
"Paolo Maldini can say he's done it all now"
Peter Crouch after AC Milan played at Fratton Park
"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona"
Mark Draper
"I don't make predictions. And I never will"
Paul Gascoigne
"When Ince was running around with his head in a bandage [against Italy], he looked like a pint of Guinness"
Paul Gascoigne
"It wasn't that I was desperately late with my tackles, just a little slower getting there"
Chris Kamara
"If I went upfield for a corner, I'd probably need a cab to get back!"
Jim Leighton on keeping goal at the age of 41
"There were plenty of fellas in the Fifties who would kick your bollocks off. At the end they would shake your hand and help you look for them"
Nat Lofthouse
"Germany are a very hard team to beat. They had eleven internationals out there today"
Steve Lomas, Northern Ireland captain
"People reckoned I spent all my time in Stringfellows. That's ridiculous. I preferred Tramp"
Charlie Nicholas
"I score more than 1,000 goals in my life, but the goal I don't score is the one they remember"
Pele on Gordon Banks' famous save in 1970
"Kanu is so laid back. Sometimes when he was playing I thought he was asleep"
Paul Robinson on his former West Brom team-mate
"We beat Newport County 13-0. And they were lucky to get nil."
Len Shackleton on his Newcastle debut
"Cloughie called me Edward. I told him I preferred Teddy. He said, 'Right you are, Edward"
Teddy Sheringham
"I believe there are two Christs - him up there and me down here"
Hristo Stoichkov
"The boys have nicknamed me Ena Sharples becuase my head is forever in the net"
Ian Thain, Keith goalkeeper, after conceding ten goals to Rangers in the Scottish Cup
"I played so badly that even my parents booed me off when I was substituted"
Theo Walcott on England Under-21 duty
"If Dennis Bergkamp was in Star Trek, he'd be the best player in whatever solar system they were in"
Ian Wright
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