Goalie
Wigan Athletic

Was once deemed to be a mythical figure of questionable existence. A bit like the Loch Ness Monster. Recent run of games for Wigan have some cynics believing he must now be half-man, half-machine. This is illegal.

Injury highlights: Cruciate knee ligament, back, broken finger, broken wrist

Defender
Tottenham Hotspur

The 'wood' in his name apparently stands for balsa wood, as that's clearly what this delicate 'hard-tackling' centre-half is made of. Is the irony lost on us? Not really.

Injury highlights: Securing a £13.4-million move to giants Real Madrid in 2004 DESPITE being injured at the time. He made ZERO appearances during his first season, and played only NINE times in total across three seasons due to injury!

Defender
Aston Villa

Rumour has it that Aston Villa signed him two years back, but some fans claim they must've dreamt it. This authentic photographic proof reveals otherwise.

Injury highlights: 3 shoulder dislocations in 4 weeks, ruptured Achilles

Defender
Man Utd

Should've been a formidable England regular - had he not possibly developed an inexplicable fetish for medical rooms, numbing sprays and sniffing lint.

Injury highlights: Torn knee ligaments, hamstrings, exploratory knee surgery etc etc

Midfielder
West Ham

Most West Ham fans forget he still plays for them, but the random 'Dyer is set to make a reserve appearance after nursing a hamstring strain' in the programme notes, reminds them otherwise.

Injury highlights: Everything. Plus a horrific broken leg sustained in a Carling Cup clash with Bristol Rovers, just two games into his £7-million move to West Ham, which kept him out for 17 months. Now it's the hamstring injuries that keep him out...

Midfielder
Hull City

Arguably the unluckiest man in the game, who goes from one serious injury to another. At least he didn't pursue a career in carpentry, otherwise he'd be just be a torso by now.

Injury highlights: Cruciate knee ligaments, dislocated kneecap, swelling on the other knee...

Winger
Arsenal

Last seen furiously rubbing his groin on a football pitch, while looking deep in, um, agony. His 2010 World Cup chances appear to be dwindling by the day due to an inadvertent modelling on his fave Mr Man character.

Injury highlights: Hamstrings, right shoulder and collarbone dislocations

Midfielder
West Ham (loan at MK Dons)

Seemingly picked up a minor tweak and then mysteriously disappeared for best part of 2 years. No-one knows why. Or how. Could make a fantastic episode of Miss Marple...

Injury highlights: No-one knows

Striker
Man City

Nurses more niggly tweaks than we've had hot dinners, and we've been chomping away like kings this year. Yes we are fat. So what?

Injury highlights: Knee injury, groin strain, hamstring injury, groin/pelvis injury, abdominal strain, gilmores strain (who???), calf muscle strain, thigh muscle strain, sprained ankle, jumpers knee, MCL knee ligament injury

Striker
Man Utd

Apparently cost Newcastle United £843-squillion billion zillion a goal, courtesy of a large transfer fee, humungous wages, and the fact he managed to play about 14-minutes of football during his time there. (NB figures are complete estimates from some bloke down by the pub called Dave. We take no legal liability for them).

Injury highlights: Broken metatarsal, surgery to tighten foot screws, thigh injury, serious knee injury, concussion, groin problem, abductor tear, thigh strain, cracked ankle bone

Striker
West Ham

18-stone striker powerhouse and self-confessed pizza lover, once touted as England's long-term successor to Emile Heskey - until wing midget Shaun Wright-Philips trod on his foot. Now - tragically - rumoured to be on the verge of retirement.

Injury highlights: Broken ankle - sustained following a heavy tackle by Shaun Wright-Phillips during an England training session, sprained knee ligaments, various muscle strains and aches