1950 – Yankee Doodle Poo…
England 0 – 1 USA, first round group stage
Despite their squad brimming with top-drawer talent such as
Tom Finney, Billy Wright and Stanley ‘Saint’ Matthews, England’s World Cup
debut skidded in the brown stuff at the very first hurdle. Drawn against
footballing minnows USA in the group stages, everyone expected a rugby score
drubbing. Instead, Matthews was benched and, as our Lions amused themselves by
blasting shot after shot after shot towards the American goal (and missing),
the Yanks made one rare upfield venture and netted just before half-time.
England’s cack-footed finishing went on for a further 45 minutes until the ref
put them out of their misery. It finished 1-0.
Back in the States, no-one believed their victory –
literally; the New York Times paper thought the relaying cable should’ve read
‘USA 1, England 10’, meaning the result wasn’t even printed. A further 1-0
defeat to Spain saw England fail to make the second round.
The USA result is still widely considered England’s blackest
moment in 80 years of international football.
1970 – German capitulation and Bonnetti’s howlers
England 2-3 West Germany, quarter-final
Technically, the greatest cock-up here was made by the chef
who’d rustled up Gordon Banks’ supper the night before. England’s safe hands
withdrew from the team at the last minute, complaining of stomach cramps as a
result of suspected food poisoning. Even then our reigning champs sailed to a
2-0 lead, but with 22 minutes left, Banksy’s replacement Peter Bonnetti let
Franz Beckenbauer in and it all went to pot. Manager Alf Ramsey panicked and
subbed Bobby Charlton, England relinquished control of the midfield and a shaky
Bonnetti watched the ball loop agonisingly over his head as Germany forced
extra-time. Germany went on to win 3-2.
1974, 1978 – England, hello…?
We didn’t qualify for either of these two tournaments. From
world champs to tournament favourites to 12-year absentees – only England could
pull that off (and maybe France…).
1990 – Waddle’s Penalty Rocket (it reaches orbit!)
England vs West Germany, semi-final, 1-1 (3-4 after
penalties)
And so our Penalty Hell kicked off in Italia ‘90… For much
of normal time, Robson’s Gazza-orchestrating England had been pulling their
bitter German rivals about the pitch like whimsy toy kites. So when the game
dramatically fell to penalties, there was only one outcome: the WRONG one.
England had never practised the damn things. Stuart Pearce rifled England’s
fourth kick at the keeper in a line that couldn’t have been any straighter had
he used a ruler and spirit level. And, then Chris Waddle twirled his effort off
so high that TV cameras struggled to follow its line of trajectory. For German
goalkeeper Illgner to have got to it, he’d have to have been the stretchy one
from The Fantastic Four. Or 47-foot tall.
1998
England 1-2 Romania, group game
Beating an (admittedly) decent Romanian side would have
presented our boys with a ‘doable’ passage to the final (Croatia, Germany,
France). As it stood, “schoolboy defending” (Hoddle’s words) gifted Romania two
sloppy goals, with Tony Adams and Graeme Le Saux in particular caught napping
for the first, while the latter was literally comatose for Dan Petrescu’s
second. Get your tackle in, son! Defeat put us on the impossible path that
would’ve seen us have to play Argentina, Holland and Brazil just to reach the
bloody final. We fell at the first attempt (see below)…
‘Stupid Boy Becks’
England 2-2 Argentina (3-4 after penalties), second round
A match that should be remembered for Owen’s goal of
individual brilliance, but instead, David Beckham’s dopey kick at Argentina’s
Diego Simeone stole those plaudits. The petulant young Becks naively lashed out
after the Argentine captain had allegedly dug his nails into his back and was
immediately sent off. The game ended in more penalty heartbreak (Ince and Batty
the culprits). Even then, we still should have won it with Sol Campbell’s
disallowed last-minute header. Cheers, ref.
2002 – One Flew Over Seaman’s Head
England 1-2 Brazil, quarter final
Was it a fluffed cross or a slice of visionary Ronaldinho
genius? Either way, David Seaman was made to look an out-of-position tit as the
ball floated over his moustache from Ronaldinho’s ‘harmless’ 35-yard free-kick
– seemingly in slow-motion. It wasn’t just Mr Seaman to blame for the defeat,
though; England were utterly lacklustre and stylistically frumpish all over the
pitch against a 10-man Brazil who went on to lift the trophy.
2006
Randy Sven must’ve left his IQ in bed when he picked his
squad for the 2006 World Cup. With Rooney struggling for fitness after a
metatarsal break and Owen injury prone and out-of-sorts, the one thing Sven
desperately needed in his squad was a vast array of striking options. So what
does our much-respected tactician do? Pick just four men, completing his
quartet with a 17-year-old who’d never even played a Premiership game before
(Theo Walcott), and the gangly, uncouth Peter Crouch, whose playing style still
had some doubters giggling like schoolgirls. Owen subsequently nobbled his knee
in the third group game and Sven realised that Walcott wasn’t ready for this
level after all. That left us with just Crouch, and a half-fit Rooney who gets
sent off in our diabolical ‘Winkergate’ quarter-final defeat to Portugal,
anyway. Top stuff Sven, you wally!
+
WAGs on the rampage
It was a toss-up what was more embarrassing during 2006 –
our team’s woeful displays or the appalling handbag-wielding WAG circus that
complemented the national World Cup coverage. Allowing the team’s WAGs to run
riot in Germany was another of uncle Sven’s mighty errors. No wonder our boys
looked distracted in every match they contested!
+
Graham Poll sees yellow
And there’s more… Our refs were vying to carry our national
torch of shame, too! Cue serial card waver Graham Poll to step up to the
breach, administering THREE yellow cards to Croatia’s Josip Simunic in their
2-2 group clash draw with Australia. It was a good thing Australia progressed
from their group otherwise things could have got really messy for the
controversial official…
Chris Waddle twirled his effort off so high that TV cameras struggled to follow its line of trajectory 
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