Road to Africa...

A-Z of England at the World Cup

	Metatarsals - a set of foot bones and seemingly the eternal 21st century curse suffered exclusively by English football players.

The specific nationality of the celebrated ‘Russian linesman’ (real name Tofik Bakhramov), who flagged for Geoff Hurst’s controversial second goal to stand against the West Germans in ‘66. In his memoirs, he revealed that he thought the ball had actually bounced out of the net and not off the crossbar.

B is for… BOOT OF PAUL PARKER
Cursed implement that caused Andreas Brehme’s free-kick to deflect wildly over Shilton’s head in the Italia ’90 semi-final with West Germany.

C is for… CONQUERING EUSEBIO
Scared witless by Portugal’s ’66 attack ahead of their semi-final, Ramsey stuck Man United’s Nobby Stiles on main-man Eusebio. The gritty, toothless terrier turned in a man-of-the-match performance, pocketing the (then) seven-goal superstar like a plastic biro. It didn’t help him with her indoors, though. “For God’s sake, put your bloody teeth in!” is what his missus is thought to have yelled during the team’s West Germany final celebrations (according to his autobiography After The Ball)!

D is for… DIVINE INTERVENTION
It wasn’t Diego Maradona’s knee-knotting second goal in ’86 that brought a big grin to his chubby chops, it was his Falklands-avenging “Hand of God” opener. Terry Butcher hooked his clearance in the wrong direction, and out popped the little Argentine’s arm to punch the ball past Peter Shilton. Everyone saw it except the Tunisian ref. “We knew a lot of Argentines died, shot down like little birds,” said Diego of the 1982 Falklands War in his autobiography El Diego. “This was revenge.”

E is for… EILEEN DREWERY
Faith healer who Glenn Hoddle had controversially been using to ‘guide’ his players before France ’98. “The biggest mistake I think I made was in not getting her to join us from the start [of the finals],” confessed Hod in his My World Cup Story diaries. “A lot of players wanted – and needed – to see her. There was both physical and mental healing to be done!”

F is for… FOOD POISONING
As disastrously suffered by legendary safe hands Gordon ‘Banksy’ Banks prior to the crucial ’70 clash with West Germany, leaving Chelsea’s Peter Bonetti to guard England’s onion bag. The latter’s shakiness helped contributed to a 3-2 defeat and premature exit, despite England initially cruising to a 2-0 lead.

G is for… GAZZA GOING MENTAL
A “drunk” Gazza went berserk in a La Manga hotel after being excluded from Hoddle’s ’98 squad. “He flew into a total rage and kicked a chair,” howled an exasperated Hod in his diary. “There was a lamp to my left, and he just punched it. The glass shattered all over the room.” Who’d have thought that after Italia ’90, the loveable Geordie would never feature at a World Cup again and be destroying hotel furniture instead of defences…Rock ‘n’ roll!

H is for… HEADLINES
’10 Heroic Lions, One Stupid Boy,” ran The Mirror following pre-popular Beckham’s dismissal against Argentina in ’98, who also printed a dartboard with Becks as the bullseye. Other vintage lines include: ‘Up Yours, Senors!’ after Beckham’s Argentine redemption in 2002; ‘It’s war, Senor!’ pre-Argentina Quarter-Final in The Sun in 1986; ‘Diego, the cheat!’ after the game; ‘It all ends in tears’ in The Sun about Gazza in 1990; and ‘Little Winker Disgusts Me’, Steven Gerrard’s vewrdict on Cristiano Ronaldo in 2006.

I is for… ICONIC IMAGES
Nobby Stile’s ‘Oirish’ victory jig in ’66, Bobby Moore swapping shirts with Pele in ’70, Diego’s ‘Hand of God’ in ’86, Gazza’s blubbering red face in ’90, Ronaldo’s ‘Winkergate’ wink in ’06. And of course Captain Bobby raising the Jules Rimet trophy aloft Hurst and Cohen’s jubilant shoulders in ’66. Vic-to-ry!

J is for… JEWELLERY
What captain Bobby Moore was bizarrely accused of stealing during a ’70 pre-tournament stay in Colombia. Court judges ruled the defensive legend was “set-up” in the theft of an emerald bracelet, worth  £600, and should be given “unconditional freedom”.

K is for… KENS: WOLSTENHOLME AND ASTON
Wolstenholme: The commentator who muttered the goosepimply “they think it’s all over…it is now” as Hurst buried the ball past the West German keeper in the ’66 final. 4-2 England. Game over.

Aston: the English ref who lost control of the violent ‘Battle of Santiago’ clash between rivals Italy and Chile at Chile ’62, which saw Italy’s David punched unconscious. The perpetrator – Leonel Sanchez – wasn’t even sent off!

L is for… LUIZ FELIPE SCOLARI
Slug-‘tached Brazilian tactician who masterminded the last two nations to knock England out of the WC: Brazil in Korea/Japan ’02 and Portugal in Germany ’06 (with Euro 2004 in between too). He still couldn’t hack it at Chelsea in 2008-9, though. Loser.

M is for… METATARSALS
A set of foot bones and seemingly the eternal 21st century curse suffered exclusively by English football players. In 2002, David Beckham cracked his second metatarsal during a Champion’s League encounter and failed to be fully fit for the finals. Then it was déjà vu in ’06 as ‘boy wonder’ Wayne Rooney suffered a similar breakage (this time, the fourth metatarsal) prior to the World Cup.

N is for… NEW ORDER
Mancunian indie geniuses who spun out the single greatest World Cup anthem ever with 1990’s ‘World In Motion’, recruiting Liverpool’s John Barnes for a mid-song masterstroke of a rap. “Get round the back, catch me if you can, ‘cos I’m the England man’. A musical belter!

O is for… OWEN
The speedy ‘wonder kid’ of ’02, who became the England’s youngest finals goalscorer at 18 years 190 days, scoring against Romania. His sensational strike against Argentina was hailed by many as ‘goal of the tournament’. Eight years later in Germany ’06, an off-boil Owen would be gaining the mis-honour of quickest ‘World Cup substitution ever’, jarring his own knee after four-minutes against Sweden.

P is for… PICKLES THE DOG
The four-year-old mongrel dog who found the stolen Jules Rimet trophy next to a car in Norwood, South London. “Pickles drew my attention to a package lying by the front wheel,” recounted the dog’s owner David Corbett in The Guardian. “I tore some paper and saw a woman holding a dish over her head.” Weeks later, England won it.

Q is for… QUARTER FINALS
The stage England love to reach before being sent packing back to Her Majesty. The Three Lions have managed it a frustrating six times: in 1954 (2-4 vs Uruguay), 1962 (1-3 vs Brazil), 1970 (2-3 vs West Germany), 1986 (1-2 vs Argentina), 2002 (1-2 vs Brazil) and 2006 (lost on pens vs Portugal).

R is for… RAINCOATS
England players’ win bonus in ’66 (along with £1,000 in cash, which thanks to a rubbish exchange rate and the Inland Revenue, equated to about £647!). “It wasn’t even a particularly nice coat,” George Cohen told The Sunday Mirror. “So we said to Alf Ramsey: Thanks very much, but we’ll do our own deals!”

S is for… SQUEAKY BUM TIME
Widely used 21st century football cliché, that could easily be applied to just about every England campaign ever. Classic bowel troublers include the play-off defeat vs Russia ’58 (Chelsea’s Peter Brabrook hits the post twice and had a ‘goal’ ruled out), West Germany’s 90th minute equaliser in ’66, Chris Waddle’s spot-kick horror in ’90, Sol Campbell’s disallowed ‘goal’ vs Argentina in ’98 and more spot-kick woe vs Portugal in ’06.

T is for… TWENTY SEVEN SECONDS
The time it took for Bryan Robson to score against the French in Spain ‘82. It remained the fastest WC goal ever up until ‘02, when Turkey’s Hakan Sukur belted one past Korea Republic after a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it 11 seconds.

U is for… URINATING ARGIES
Angry Argentine players openly emptied their bladders against the Wembley tunnel, following their bone-crunching 1-0 defeat in ’66. Prior to this, captain Rattin was dismissed for ‘violence of the tongue’ (despite the German ref not being able to speak Spanish), Alf Ramsey described them as ‘animals’ and a chair was allegedly thrown through a glass door. The beautiful game at its ugliest!

V is for… VIV ANDERSON MBE
The pacey Nottingham Forest right-back who travelled to Spain ’82 to become the first black player to represent England at a World Cup finals. However, Ipswich Town veteran Mick Mills kept him out of the side and he failed to make a single appearance.

W is for… WINKERGATE
The name applied to Ronaldo’s infamous wink in the ’06 Quarter-Final that earned him the tag of ‘most hated man in England’. After Wayne Rooney appeared to ‘stomp’ on Portugal’s Richard Carvalho, his perma-tan Man Utd ‘comrade’ swaggered over to remonstrate with the ref. Rooney was subsequently red-carded, and as he left the pitch, cameras caught Ronaldo sneakily winking at his bench. England went on to lose the bad-tempered yawnfest on penalties.

X is for… X-RATED
Terry Butcher’s gaping head-wound and blood-spattered shirt may have come from a vital qualifying match against Sweden in 1989, but it looked more like something out of Friday the 13th Part IV. Still, that didn’t stop this “six foot four of solid muscle” colossus courageously heading the ball like a possessed madman and enabling England to grab the 0-0 draw they required.

Y is for… YOUNG ONES
Alongside already established upstarts Rooney, Theo Walcott and Aaron Lennon, England’s bright young hopefuls for the 2014 World Cup (should we qualify) include Jack Wilshere (Arsenal winger), Jack Rodwell (Everton midfielder) and, um…

Z is for… ZERO
The number of games England lost at Spain ’82 (out of five) and STILL got eliminated. France, the Czechs and Kuwait were all brushed aside, but goal-less draws against West Germany and hosts Spain in a second-stage group saw their hopes die. Crocked superstars Keegan and Brooking finally made their tournament bows against the latter with 27 minutes left, but their attacking exuberance was too little, too late.