Pinstripes on a football kit? Laurence Lleweyln Bowen doesn't play for Arsenal. Andrei Arshavin does, and he should be in some comfy Gunnersauras dungarees, not this Saville Row tripe. 

A collar designed for the large-necked Heskey types of this world. Ashley Young will look like a meerkat in a poncho. Bless. 

More darts shirt than football strip. Will suit City's large-boned fan contingent but everyone else will look as weird as Andy 'The Viking' Fordham after he lost half his body weight. 

A kit almost certainly plucked from a discount football kit catalogue, where reversible drill tops were probably thrown in for an extra tenner. Lame.

Did the designer let his child loose with a red crayon just before the design deadline? Take out the red squiggles and it's nice. With them in, it's not. Just look at Muamba's disgruntled little face. 

A good, honest football kit for a good, honest football club. And boy are they proud of being in the top-flight. The badge is almost the size of that chap's head, er, whoever that chap is. 

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. Once again, Chelsea have designed their away kit with nothing but road safety in mind. They wouldn't have made you wear this rubbish at City, John...

There are no words to describe this. Well, actually, there are: hideous, camp, pinky, stripy. In fact, all the things you don't want a football kit to be. An embarrassment to beer. 

This white front/black sleeve combo is as basic as it comes, but we think it suits the inoffensive London club to a tee. We fully expect Chairman Mo to get his special lady to prance about in it in the bedroom.  

Bog standard orange to match Phil Brown's tango tan, this unimaginative offering just looks like a Wolves kit. Geovanni will not be wearing this come January.  

A stylish little black number complete with some fetching gold stripes, plus the addition of two glue-on strawberry laces, perfect for fatty Dossena to nibble on till his half-time pie.  

Is this a new kit? We can't tell the difference from last years. Still, Elano likes it. Well, not enough to wear it, of course. He's buggered off to Galatasary. Their kit must soooo much silkier. 

What is the V for? Victory? Valiant? Venereal Disease? Evra certainly isn't very impressed with the addition. And we all know what he's like when he's not happy. 

A comedy collar, a weird stretchy doodled-on triangle, and look at that - a cute little train track going through the badge. We give it two months before Paul Hart is using the website on the front. 

No-nonsense and functional - the long-throw of football kits. We imagine they've opted for long sleeves unlike everyone else so Delap can hide his rocket launchers up there. Cunning.

Nicking your kit designs from Bolton doesn't seem like the best policy. And quite why they've put a flourescent dog collar on it is baffling. Praying they stay up I guess.  

'What do you mean it looks the same as last year's? It's got yellow on it. That'll be forty quid please.'

Looks a bit like a chess board. But why's that Umbro badge so stretched? Oh, it had to fit over Ray Winstone, right. Well, he's not laughing, so you'd better not either you slaaag.

Good, solid stripes, a nice high neck to prevent against nasty winter chills, and a centre-placed badge that means the left nipple is free from scratchy, bleedy badge syndrome. Top work.

A clear attempt to dazzle their opposition, this satsuma-esque effort is a clear member of the 'loud and proud' school of tailoring. God forbid they sign Dave Kitson and Steve Sidwell.