Premier League XIs

End-of-Season Maxim Awards

After a hit-and-miss, overtly political end-of-season awards period (Ryan Giggs, jesus) and as we approach what’s looking like a belting season’s end on Sunday, we thought we’d take a glance back at another year in the Premiership by making some awards of our own.

First up is the Unsung Hero XI, which is kind of self-explanatory. If you have any better ideas, and we like them, we’ll post them on the site. Send them to chaps@maxim.co.uk

Premier League XIs

Unsung Hero XI

Overlooked by the PFA, but not by us

                             1  Schwarzer

2 J O'Shea      4 Jagielka     5 Haangeland      3 A Cole

6 Delap         7 Ireland        8 Fletcher        11 M Taylor

                          9 Fellaini

                                     10 Carew

1 Mark Schwarzer: Aussie, but still deserves to feature in Europa League next year.

2 John O’Shea: Ugly and a bit annoying to watch, but mad versatile and utterly relentless.

3 Ashley Cole: If he wasn’t such a horrendous human being he might have pipped Evra to the PFA select XI.

4 Phil Jagielka: Silly surname. Good tackler. Fulcrum of dogged Toffee side.

5 Brede Hangelaand: Cottager, par excellence. Must have large pockets as some very good Premier League strikers have occupied them this season.

6 Rory Delap: Magically, by using both hands and arms, he still single-handedly kept Stoke in the Prem.

7 Stephen Ireland: Should have got PFA Young Player of the Year. Ousted Elano from Hughes’ team. No mean feat.

8 Darren Fletcher: Another of Fergie’s invaluable play-anywhere resources. Scottish.

9 Marouane Fellaini: Signing of the season. Shit hair.

10 John Carew: Just like Michelle Marsh’s Right Tit, Mr Carew's a proper handful. Haunts the dreams of the Premiership’s centre-backs like a marauding Scandinavian BFG.

11 Matt Taylor: Annoyingly referred to as “Matty Taylor” by team-mates and pundits and sporting one of them only-look-good-in-LA sleeve tattoos, Mr Taylor is Bolton’s second highest scorer, with 10 goals, behind Kevin ‘I think I’m going to foul you’ Davies.

Disagree with the team? Got some opinions or want to post a team of your own? Email chaps@maxim.co.uk.

Didn’t Turn Up XI 

The boys that had a season to forget

1 Carson

2 Richards            4 Colochini            5 Toure            3 Gilberto

6 Bentley            8 Elano            7 Pedersen

9 Alves            10 Adebayor         11 Keane 

1 Scott Carson: The single reason England didn’t qualify for Euro 2008 this horrendously toothed oik had an even bigger nightmare in 2008/09, spending the season diving over the ball or comically bundling the thing into his own net.

2 Micah Richards: Last season’s bright hope, Mr Richards’ decision-making this season has been woeful – no more so than at training when he thought it’d be a good idea to start on his psychotic gaffer.

3 Gilberto: Signed from Hertha Berlin, this spritely Brazilian was the answer to Spurs’ left-back problem. Wrong. He played five times, cocked up five times. And they were forced to reinstate previous lefty div, Assou-Ekotto.

4 Fabricio Coloccini: Out Puyol-ing Puyol in the ‘hair like a 70s auntie’ hair stakes, this Argentinean permatron has failed to win a single tackle this year, and has made former Toon goon Titus Bramble look like Bobby Moore. Be gone, sir.

5 Kolo Toure: Malaria doesn’t seem like the most destructive of football injuries but this squishy-eared defender caught it then nigh forgot how to play football. A horrible disease indeed.

6 David Bentley: ‘Goal of the Season’ (vs Arsenal) aside, the brycreelemed dandy has been entirely awful, his crossing resembling that of a toddler. Yes, Harvey.

7 Morten Gamst Pedersen: Once a gifted winger, this member of Norwegian boyband The Players has clearly taking his dance routines on to the pitch. Sort your hair out, man.

8 Elano: A superstar of last season, the Brazilian has been left in the shade by his slapheaded counterpart Stephen Ireland. Needs to start dribbling round players, not into them.  

9 Afonso Alves: Scored a hatful in the Dutch league (clearly the equivalent of Sunday pub football) the club’s record signing could only manage 4 for Boro. This season’s premier flop.

10 Emmanuel Adebayor: A £30 million target for AC Milan in the summer, the gangly striker has been massively under par, his touch even out-spazzing club-footed strike partner Nicklas Bendter.

11 Robbie Keane: Boyhood move to Liverpool? Check. Massive expectation? Check. Goals? [Silence] Move back to Spurs with tail between legs? Check. 

Disagree with the team? Got some opinions or want to post a team of your own? Email chaps@maxim.co.uk.

Comment:

How did Michael Ballack not make your "Didn't turn up 11"?  Seriously - what does he do?
Nice feature though - we were doing something similar the other week..
Cheers, Doug

Disagree with the team? Got some opinions or want to post a team of your own? Email chaps@maxim.co.uk.