Brigstocke Takes Stock

Floods, foot-in-mouth, freak weather, financial institutions in chaos – 2007 was a funny old year. We asked comic Marcus Brigstocke – host of BBC4’s The Late Edition and Have I Got News For You? regular – to review a year in which it seemed like Britain was becoming a third-world country…

How will 2007 be remembered?

The biggest news story was Blair leaving office – although he went with a whimper rather than a bang. At least he’s had the decency to fuck off entirely. The floods in the summer were a big story, too. I was in Scotland when it happened, where they seemed to find the idea of England being underwater extremely funny. People were coming up to me saying, ‘Yes, we keep our water in lochs.’ Thank you very much, you smug bastards.

How do you think our new prime minister’s done so far?

I had a theory when Gordon Brown came in that because we’d had attempted terrorist attacks in London, we’d had flooding and we’d had foot-and-mouth, Brown might be a harbinger of the apocalypse. Those are three of the signs, aren’t they? Famine, pestilence and flood.

What about the other parties?

David Cameron is getting all manner of people’s attention. One 67-minute, unprepared speech at the Conservative Party Conference in October, and the whole nation’s fallen in love with him. I think it’s because an ex-Etonian managed to talk for over an hour without either saying ‘nanny’ or being racist. But while Brown’s all facts and figures and dullness, Cameron’s all tits and teeth.

And the Lib Dems?

False teeth and saggy tits.

Much of your comedy is about the environment. Was 2007 a good year for the planet?

I went to the Arctic to investigate climate change last year. They reckon the ice cap will have disappeared entirely in 15 to 20 years. Which means we’re all fucked. When I was on the boat, I was talked into getting into a survival suit and lowering myself into the sea to be filmed swimming in between icebergs. As I was getting in, someone said, ‘Ooh, look – there’s a seal in the water. Quick, get in, and we’ll get the seal in the background!’ So I did, and it turned out it was a mother polar bear with two cubs on her back. Fucking terrifying. I was in the water with mankind’s only natural predator.

What’s annoyed you most on telly this year?

The litigation and loans adverts on daytime TV continue to be utterly gruesome. You know: ‘Hello. Are you greedy and stupid? Have you been found by a judge to be greedy and stupid? No one else is willing to lend you money? Well, we welcome both the greedy and the stupid!’

Who was your hero of 2007?

John Smeaton, the man who kicked the terrorist who was on fire at Glasgow Airport. He ran over and kicked him in the bollocks. I think that’s the right approach to people who think they’re acting on behalf of any religious belief – be they on fire or delivering a simple sermon: just kick ’em in the nuts.

And your villain of the year?

Whichever dickhead launched those non-biodegradable nylon teabags. They launched it saying, ‘Are you sick of the papery taste of tea?’ What!? Tea never tastes of paper – unless you drink it through a copy of The Telegraph.

Who will be the first celebrity to die in 2008?

Jeremy Clarkson. He’ll be consumed by his own self-loathing. Clarkson’s funny, and Top Gear’s a great show, but he knows he’s a wrong ’un. It’ll just collapse in on him one day, and he’ll get terribly depressed and drive a hybrid car off a cliff – while reviewing it, going, ‘This is the only way you can get any decent speed out of a hybrid car.’

Marcus Brigstocke’s DVD Planet Corduroy is out now