Alan Hansen

We all know every funny man needs a straight man: Pete had Dud, Morcambe had Wise, Little had… erm, you get what we mean. That’s why every time you watch Match Of The Day, you need the cool, calm, collected Alan Hansen to balance out Gary Lineker’s big-eared tomfoolery. We had a chat with the former Liverpool and Scotland legend; turns out he’s good at humming, too!

What with England’s recent debacles in football, rugby and F1, has there never been a better time to be Scottish?

The problem is that my wife and children are English so when I’m watching anything in the house, I can’t be anti-English. England have always wanted the Scots to do well but I think there are more and more Scots who want England to do well, too.

Should England be allowed to play with 44 players on the pitch to give us more of a chance?

If you had 44 players, there would be too many people offside. It’d be better if you had 11 and they had two.

You once ran into a glass door and had to have 27 stitches in your head…

I’ve still got the scar to prove it. I was playing volleyball, which has never really been my sport, but I was 17 and 6ft 2in. I’d been running, my eyes were watering and I ran straight into this door. I had 27 stitches in my head and 35 stitches in my leg. I had to have three pieces of gauze on my head to keep the stitches intact. It was not a pretty sight.

You’ve got a new circular, feng shui-ed MOTD studio What’s next?

They change the Match Of The Day studio every so often, but I don’t care what the set looks like as long as I’ve got a monitor so I can see what’s coming.

Next time there’s only two games on a Saturday, will you be covering the golf to help pad things out a bit?

I’ll be watching the golf, but I won’t be covering it. I’ve played golf for 45 years but I’d never claim to be an expert.

You’re a bit of a heartthrob with mums and grannies. Do you get lots of sensible underpants and knitted bobble hats in the post?

I don’t get anything. It’s always been the same. I’ve worked with two presenters –  Des Lynam and Lineker. With Des, the fan mail must have been 100 to one. With Lineker it’s 500 to one. The BBC sends me my fan mail every six months and it’s this tiny pile of letters. It’s unbelievable how many letters Lineker gets. I only get about three letters a year!

Do you think penalty shootouts would be more exciting if the ball was replaced by an over- ripe pumpkin?

No, you can’t get anything more exciting than a penalty shootout. The big one I was in was Liverpool versus Roma in ’84. I was absolutely petrified. The emotion, pressure and intensity is unbelievable, because if you miss and you cause your team to go out… people don’t remember the good things.

How much of your hard-earned cash would you be prepared to stake on Liverpool winning the Premiership this season?

For the first time in a while Liverpool have got a realistic chance of winning. We’ve got the players and the personnel. Man United look strong, Chelsea have had their problems and Arsenal are doing well, but it’d be great if come March/April we had a chance of winning. We haven’t won the title for 17 years.

Who’s the best player in the Premiership?

Gerrard, Ronaldo, Rooney, Fabregas… Adebayor has got the potential to be a superstar. He’s got pace, talent, ability and resilience. I think he could be the one who goes from strength to strength.

The MOTD music is probably the most famous theme tune of all time. Can you hum it for us please?

Ha ha! You hum it, and I’ll hum along.

[Weakly] Dum-dum-dumm, d-dum-dum-dum-dum…

Give us a bit more effort. Come on! [Enthusiastically] Dum-dum dumm-d-dum-dum-dum! That’s the one, we’ve got it! It’s a great tune!