Jim Bowen is a bit of a hero at Maxim. Beneath that chunky granddad sweater and thick NHS goggles is a man who has entertained a nation for over 50 years.
From his early days as an old-school stand-up to his catchphrase-fuelled heyday as presenter of Bullseye, he’s kept Britain laughing like a bunch of giggling idiots. We tracked him down in his local for a pint and asked him your questions. And no, since all of you asked, he doesn’t own a speedboat…
Apart from Bullseye, what do you think you're most likely to be remembered for? Ian, Hampshire
Probably not a lot more actually, because Bullseye became so iconic and superseded anything else. People might remember me for one of the biggest gaffs I ever made. I asked a guy what he did for a living and he said, ‘I’ve been unemployed two years’ and I said, ‘Smashing!’ I never lived that one down.
Who’s the funniest man who has ever lived?
Stewart, Kettering
Tommy Cooper was the funniest I ever worked with, but he had this albatross round his neck – he couldn’t help being funny. I was at Thames television with him once when he broke his foot. He stubbed it in the studio, walked in and said, ‘D’you know, I’ve just broke my foot!’ and everyone fell about laughing. He was funny even when he was being serious! Completely crackers too. The wheel was going round but the gerbil had left the cage.
If you have a wild night with any woman alive and no one would ever know, who would it be?
Andy, Glasgow
Natasha Kaplinsky! But if Phyllis [Jim’s wife] found out, I’d be dead.
Were you a sex symbol back in the day? Have you ever had any naughty fan mail?
Dean, Farnborough
You’re talking just before World War I here! Actually, I keep getting rude emails suggesting that I’m gay, or people saying that they’d like to do all sorts of things to me! I’m 70 with glasses and no hair with a bit of a tummy so there’s no way I’m a sex symbol. But I don’t think I ever was. The only mail I used to get were letters suggesting I give it up and go back to welding.
Is Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen your son?
David, Nuneaton
Certainly not! I wouldn’t wear shirts with cuffs like that. And if he was my son, I’d give him a smack for wearing clothes like that – and send him down the pit for a week.
I’m bored with my girlfriend. What do you think is the best way to dump her?
Harry, London
I’d meet her one night in the pub and give her a packed lunch and a road map and walk out. I wouldn’t even discuss it with her.
Do you have a dartboard in your house? Does Tony Green come round and do the scoring?
Pete, Birmingham
No I don’t – and Tony Green is too busy burgling people’s houses to come to my house. I wouldn’t have him in the house. He needs training socially! Seriously though, we had 15 great years together and he’s a good mate. He’s probably the best commentator there is – far better than that Geordie lunatic Sid Wadell we have to have ceefax for. He’s destroying the English language. Bury him.
What is the meaning of life?
Gavin, Hartlepool
I’ll tell you what it is, if we’re getting all philosophical – life’s not a rehearsal. You do this just the once so don’t take any prisoners and make sure you do it right.
How many times a day does someone say to you ‘Look at what you could've won’?
Ian, Colchester
About 200 but not half as much as they shout out ‘Innnn one!’ At after-dinner speeches I now take a list of the prizes that we had in the 80s and say things like, ‘This’ll stop you grumbling as you’re washing’s tumbling, this fabulous tumble dryer.’ And they all shout ‘Innnn one!’ ‘This’ll stop you yawning, this will make your morning! It’s a coffee maker…’ ‘Innnn two!’ And all that bollocks. They love it. The thing is – 30 years ago a toaster was a good prize, and if they were really good, we’d even put a plug on it for them! People look at it now and say, ‘Christ Almighty, a set of cutlery! That’s not a prize, it’s a bloody handicap!’
Would you ever go on I’m A Celebrity? And who would you least like to spend the time with?
David, Northants
I’ve been invited to go on all of those things but I’ve knocked them all back. The money’s fantastic but they’re not me. I physically couldn’t hack it in the jungle, without my Tetley Bitter or a bacon sandwich every morning – and I couldn’t be doing with eating kangaroo’s balls. Amy Winehouse would last about two minutes with me. She’d probably try and drink all my Tetley Bitter – but she wouldn’t get near it. I’d kick her in the arse! I can’t handle Alan Titchmarsh either – he’s too much of a smart arse. Oh, and Anne Widdicombe too. She’s a sex object – I’d sort her out after 12 pints! Ha ha, just kidding.
If Bully was a real person would you punch him in the face or buy him a pint?
Mark, North London
That’s easy – I’d buy him two pints, because he bought me a Rolls and a big house in the Lake District. He’s my best friend, after Phyllis!
And finally one from us. The Maxim office thinks you’re great – will you come on a pub crawl with us?
Categorically no. You’d get me pissed and ruin my career. I’ve got no confidence in you at all. I think you’ve all villains down there.
ONE WORD ANSWERS: WE ASKED, HE REPLIED
What is your nemesis?
Flying
Are you any good at darts?
Terrible
Are you good mates with Peter Kay?
Very!
What word is in your head right now?
Bacon!
The All New Bullseye DVD Game is out now, priced £19.99
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