Jimmy Carr crashes in!

You've done a lot of those 'Top 100...' type shows - what's your own personal top five worst TV shows you've had to be on?
Dave, Cricklewood
Right, firstly, Dave, that's a bit attitudey, isn't it? I love those shows. We wrote really good scripts for them. I saw one of them recently - the one about scary movies - that I didn't even remember making, and I thought, 'This is actually quite good.' I haven't made one for about three years now.

You had the fastest lap time on Top Gear for ages - why did they say you were the worst driver they'd ever had?
Monir, Norwich
Because they can't take how good I am! The reason I did well on Top Gear was because I tried to roll the car. The car's got a roll-bar and you're wearing a crash helmet - Stig told me the worst I'd get if I rolled the car would be a bit of broken glass, so I thought, 'Fuck it, if I roll the car, what a great bit of telly that'd be!' But then I got halfway round and thought, 'I'm actually going quite fast! I'm going to try and go for it!' Clarkson was gutted. I went back at the beginning of the new series and I span out. It was great fun! In the end I got knocked off the top spot by Ellen MacArthur, which I didn't mind - getting beaten by a plucky 12-year-old boy is fine.

You did a live gig in that Second Life game. I've read all about it and I still don't understand what the hell that was all about.
Jon, Stockport
Jon, you have a low IQ. If you've read about something and not understood it, that's what's happened there. You could try and educate yourself, but it's like putting glitter on shit, isn't it? You should just relax. You don't need to understand everything. But yes, I did do a gig in Second Life - I did it as an extra for my DVD. I had to be covered in ping-pong balls and do the gig in a tiny room for the motion capture, then it was broadcast in the game. In doing so, I got into The Guinness Book Of Records for doing the first ever gig in cyberspace. It seems slightly unfair that I'm in the same book as someone who's managed to run 100 metres in 9.7 seconds. They should have two books - one for actual achievements, and one for, 'Well... OK...'

How many awards have you won? Do you keep them in a special cupboard at home, then every now and again run around in the nude, clutching them and shouting a lot? Because that's what I'd do.
Anonymous, from Nowhereland
I've got a few awards - I got a British comedy award from last year, which was voted for by the public, which sounds like total fucking showbiz bullshit, but when it's voted for by the public, you tend to think, 'Oh, that's OK then.' I got nominated for the Perrier in 2002, which was a big kickstart to my career. It's been renamed now. I think it's known as the 'What's-that-award-that-used-to-be-the-Perrier-called?' award. Signing a boob is the only award you want, really.

My mate is the spitting image of you. Can you please tell him at least three reasons why this is a good thing?
Nick, Brentwood
OK - you look a little bit like Roger Federer, you look a tiny bit like Lloyd Cole and you look a bit like me. So you've got some musical ability, you've got some tennis skills and you might be funny. That's something! I think you've actually just got deep-sunken eyes and a heavy brow, really, haven't you?

What do you most hate about yourself?
Marty, Leeds
I have a fat face. That and the fact that I've killed and will kill again.

Have you got any really offensive jokes?
Geoff, Harlow
No, but I've told a lot that are regarded as 'edgy'. If people want to take offence, fine. I don't think you should ever apologise for a joke. My way of judging is if you have to look around before you tell a joke, don't tell it.

Are you a good drunk?
Annie, Northumberland
No - it's why I don't drink. I'm a depressing drunk - I'm quite good fun most of the time. I've never understood the idea of 'getting out of your head'. I don't want to get out of my head. It's fun, there's lots of jokes in there!

Who are your favourite comedians?
Mickey, Rochester
I'm a huge fan of people like Chris Rock and Dave Chappelle, Daniel Kitson, Peter Kay, Ricky Gervais, Lee Evans, Steven Wright... I'm obsessed with comedy. I go and see more comedy than anyone else I know. I fucking love it - it's the perfect night out. You sit in a room with your mates for an hour and a half and just laugh. We're really blessed, we've got the best comedy circuit in the world.

Who are your celebrity mates?
Sam, Surrey
I was telling Billy Connolly just the other day how much I hate name-dropping. I phoned Jonathan Ross just to tell him how much it annoyed me.

Is your hair real?
Stu, Grays
I realise my hair looks like it was done in the 1930s. It kind of was - I had it cut in this place called Geo F Trumper. I went there because my brother read that Morrissey got his hair cut there. Well, why not go where 'the man' goes? The guy gave me a cut-throat razor shave and says, 'Your problem is you've got light skin and very dark hair, so you're always going to look like Desperate Dan.' Unlucky...

Jimmy Carr's new DVD, Comedian, is out on DVD on 5 November, priced £19.99