Some TV folk appear to be lovely on the box, but when you meet them they turn out to be idiots you immediately want to decapitate with a spoon. Thankfully, Eamonn Holmes isn’t one of them. He’s basically the nicest person in the world! A big, cuddly gorilla of a man, he’s charming, articulate and, above all, funny!
Do you have a hairy back like [Sky Sports presenter] Richard Keys?
Freddie, Hull
Ha ha! Absolutely not! He looks like one of the cavemen from Wacky Races – he literally just sprouts it like that. My kid has a Mr Potato Head, and if you push his head down, his Mr Potato hair comes out. That’s a bit like Richard Keys.
What do you think of Joey Barton?
Oliver, Macclesfield
Cunt. What is Joey Barton about? He’s an absolute animal. It’s fine if you can direct it to your cause, like Fergie did with Roy Keane, but with him I don’t think you can. He’s the type of guy who’d eat his own young; he’d start a fight in an empty room. If Vinnie Jones came up behind me I’d think ‘cunt!’, but I’d be scared of him. If Joey Barton did, I’d just think, ‘Shut up!’ He’s an irritant.
Alex Ferguson – is he actually mental?
Kevin, London
Ha ha ha! The man’s a god, a deity – I would worship at his feet. There should be a religion where we’re all Fergites. Is he actually mental? I’ve interviewed people who have killed, and they all have one thing in common: they’re all incredibly charming. Fergie is one of the nicest people I’ve ever met, but I do think that if you crossed him you’d find a horse’s head in your bed. I think if he fell out with you, he’d take you up an alley and kneecap you, and you’d be found with a sack over your head.
Who’s been your worst interviewee?
Gareth, Bognor Regis
There are lots of people who you just think, ‘What’s the point?’ Mariah Carey sent one of her flunkies to say that she was tired and was going to lie down. I was like, ‘She’s fucking tired? She should’ve been up from 4 o’clock this morning! If she’s going to lie down, then I’ll lie down with her!’
David Blaine was a right dick on GMTV. What was that about?
Hans, Kent
David Blaine was a very, very strange interview. I never really worked him out. I went to see him when he was in his box over the Thames and he dropped me a note from his box which said, ‘Hi, really good seeing you, we had such a blast last time.’ I sent him one back saying, ‘Well, I’m glad one of us did.’ Idiot!
If you could see any player in the world in a Man United shirt, who would it be?
Si, Dublin
At his height I would’ve liked Thierry Henry to put on a United shirt. He had it all – the skill, the charisma and he plays in a way that would be so welcome at United. Ronaldinho might’ve been interesting to see – and it would be very nice to bring Drogba over from the dark side. I think it would be best if you brought Drogba into a team that actually plays football rather than a team that saps the life out of the game.
You were great on Rob Brydon’s Annually Retentive. Did you mind Rob Brydon trying to shag your partner, Ruth Langsford?
Jamie, Tottenham
No, but she did! He tried to do the scene without underpants on and Ruth went, ‘He wants to get in here beside me, naked! This was your idea! You wanted to do this!’ And I went to him, ‘Keep your undies on.’ The thing that perturbed me about the whole scene was that Ruth was far too natural,
as if she was actually a serial shagger!
What’s the strangest item you’ve ever
had to present?
Alan M, Oxford
Ruth and I are presenting This Morning throughout this summer and they’ve got a new section called ‘Transform A Tranny’. Each week they take a transvestite and dress them up for a special occasion – a wedding, a birthday, a trip abroad or maybe a first communion! Doing fashion items about shoes and handbags on the show is hard enough, but the models keep me interested. But when we do ‘Transform A Tranny’, I have difficulty. ‘Now these are a size 14! They look lovely on you!’
Have you ever got an erection in the middle of presenting? What did you do?
Frank, London
It is a physical impossibility. The adrenalin flows so much so that you can’t even sneeze, let alone get an erection.
What’s the angriest you’ve ever seen Alex Ferguson?
Michael, Derby
At the last FA Cup final I fulfilled a boyhood ambition – I got a seat on the stairwell! Alex was the last one down the stairs and he was so red in the face. I tapped him on the shoulder and said, ‘Hard luck, boss.’ He didn’t look at me. And the security guy said to me, ‘Well, Heinze won’t be playing for you next year!’ I said, ‘Why’s that?’ He said, ‘Did you not hear what Fergie shouted at him? He said: “You can fuck off back to Argentina! You won’t be here next year!”’
Eamonn Holmes returns to Radio Five Live, Saturdays, 9am, from 15 September
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