Duncan Bannatyne

If we were as loaded as Duncan Bannatyne, we’d live in a palace and employ a squadron of albino monkeys to serve us canapés. But he’s happy loafing in his flat watching Big Brother and dealing on eBay. With over £200 million in the bank, he’s the most successful of the Dragons and probably the nicest – just don’t mention co-Dragon Theo Paphitis…
 
Is it really true that you started out in business as an ice-cream man?
Freddie, North London
I did! I came back from the Channel Islands when I was 29, utterly skint. I signed on, saved up a bit and bought an ice-cream van for £450. I started serving ice-cream, and five years later I had a fleet of vans, which I then sold and bought my first nursing home. See? Anyone can do it!

What’s the most expensive thing you’ve thrown out because you were bored with it?
Trevor, Cardiff
I never chuck anything expensive in the bin – I sell it on eBay! I even sold 300 signed copies of my autobiography at £9.99 each. You buy them in the shops for £18.99! You should never miss out on an opportunity!

Can you hold your drink? What’s the most hammered you’ve ever been?
Simon, Norwich
When I’m with my wife I can drink a bottle-and-a-third of wine myself. But about 10 years ago a friend came over from Jersey and we went to this real-ale pub and drank all night. When I got home, I was lying on the bedroom carpet being sick with my children watching me! They didn’t say much – they were just shocked. Now I just get nicely drunk, come back to my flat and fall asleep.

How many pints would you need to drink to snog [co-Dragon] Deborah Meaden?
Chris, East Finchley
Bloody hell, I thought it said ‘shag’! Deborah is a lovely lady. Not the most honourable lady I’ve ever met, perhaps, but she’s great fun and I’d snog her for a glass of wine!

Do the Dragons actually get on?
Jonny B, Nottingham
I respect all of the Dragons except the one who I cannot stand – Theo Paphitis. I don’t think he’s honourable, respectable or decent. He likes to shout, swear and be the loudest person in the room. I have to be as far away from him as I can, and I won’t go out anywhere with him. He’s jealous because I’m handsome, I’ve got hair, I’m tall and he’s short. That’s the only thing I can put it down to – envy of my life. We’ve not spoken for a year and I’d never go into business with him, even if it were the last business venture in the world!

What’s the funniest idea you’ve seen pitched on the show?
Damien, Wimbledon
By far, the right-handed glove! This bloke’s idea was that when you go to the continent, you should wear a right-handed glove to remind you to drive on the right. So he’s packaged these right-hand gloves.

So I said, ‘When you come back from the continent, or when Europeans come to Britain, should they wear a left-hand glove?’ He said, ‘Yeah!’ So I said, ‘So you could actually package two gloves, one to wear in Europe, one to wear here, and that would be a pair of gloves? You’ve invented a pair of gloves! Er, I think I’ve seen that before!’

What’s the worst idea you’ve been pitched?
Del, Surrey
This woman was convinced that, instead of canvas beach furniture, you should use cardboard ones she’d invented. I asked, ‘What happens if it rains?’ And she looked at me with pure hatred and said, ‘You don’t go to the beach if it rains!’ ‘OK, what happens when my three year old comes out the sea and sits on the cardboard chair?’ She said, ‘Tell him not to!’ Er, I think I’ll just buy canvas chairs if that’s OK? Crazy lady.

I’ve got an idea: celebrity loo roll that lets you wipe your arse on the faces of celebs you hate. Would you invest in it?
Harry, London
It’s been done! I’ve seen it and got one made up myself. It’s a toilet roll of
Theo Paphitis’s face. I wipe my bum on it regularly. I’ll send you a roll!

If there was a celebrity version of Dragons’ Den, which celeb would you most like to invest in, and which would you least like to?
Craig, Basildon
I’d like to set up a venture with George Clooney – that’d be fun. I’d never do a venture with Jade Goody. I’d never ever invest with her. She started a beauty salon called ‘Ugly’! That’s nuts!

Which Dragon gets the most attention from the ladies?
Joel, Swansea
Everybody likes Peter [Jones]. If I walk into a bar with Peter, the girls flood round him. If I go into a bar with Theo, they come round me and Theo gets none!

Do you go out drinking with Alan Sugar? Who gets the sambucas in?
Matthew, Frinton-on-Sea
Before we were famous, we were in the Labour Party and I’ve got a photo of me, him and Tony Blair. It’s hanging in the loo! I’ve met him once or twice since and he’s a really nice guy. I think he’d get the drinks in – he’s far richer than I am.

Didn’t you go to a military prison for being drunk and disorderly?
Leroy, Birmingham
Yes! It was for trying to throw my commanding officer off the side of an aircraft carrier! I didn’t get him over. If I had, he’d probably have died. I was 19 and I was in detention for nine months. He really was an idiot, though!

Duncan Bannatyne’s book, Anyone Can Do It: My Story (Orion Books), is available to buy in hardback, from £18.99