Danny Dyer

He’s a self-proclaimed East End geezer who caned it in Human Traffic, The Football Factory and The Business. He’s now hitting the big screen in two new films: Outlaw, with Bob Hoskins, and Straight Heads, with Gillian Anderson. As if that wasn’t enough, he’s also been to eight different countries for his new TV series, International Football Factory. We wanted to ask him a load of your questions, so we took him where we thought he’d be most comfortable – down the local boozer!

What’s the most dangerous situation you’ve found yourself in?
Chris, Bournemouth
I was pissed up in Poland one time, and they had a big party laid on and someone said, ‘Do you want cocaine? Come outside.’ I went outside and all these hooligans started circling me. I was on my own and they took a knife out, saying, ‘Give me pound!’ I thought, ‘I am fucked!’ I didn’t even have a fag in my pocket. Then the Old Bill drove past and they all fucked off.

If you had your own gang what would it be called?
Mike, High Wycombe
It would be called the Cockney Rebels. We’d all ride about in leather jackets.

If you had to choose between killing Guy Ritchie, Jamie Oliver or Robbie Williams, who would you kill and how would you do it?
Anthony, Yorks
Guy Ritchie’s all right. Jamie Oliver’s all right because he can cook, so it’d be Robbie Williams. I’d make a little prison knife out of a toothbrush and a razor blade and I’d slice his face open so no one would ever want him. I’d quite enjoy that, actually, killing him.

Who was your favourite to work with on Outlaw, Bob Hoskins or Sean Bean?
Tom, Soton
I would say Sean Bean because Bob Hoskins was a right ponce – he never had any fags. Nah, I’m only joking! I would say Sean because I only had a couple scenes with Bob.

Would you ever consider doing Shakespeare?
Max, Brighton
I don’t know, maybe when I get a bit older. It’s not really my bag.

Why haven’t you been asked to do a Tesco advert? Even Bob Hoskins has done one of those?
Paul, Cardiff
I don’t know. I don’t make the fucking rules!

Do you still cane it with loads of drugs? When was the last time you had a lost weekend?
Alex, Plymouth
This weekend just gone, actually. I absolutely ripped the arse out of it! I went out Saturday night and I got back Sunday night. I’ve only just recovered. I’ve been all tearful and miserable.

Did you do voices for Grand Theft Auto?
Martin, Winchester
Yeah, I did. The boys that make that game also make my films, so they like me .

Which football team do you support? Have you ever been involved in a ruck?
Matt, Edinburgh
I support West Ham United. Yes, I’ve been involved in a ruck, well more me getting a lump, really. I got knocked spark out once by a Leeds fan – he was about 40 and I was only 14. He fucking knocked me out with one punch!

Do you have plans to shock any of your fans by doing something really different?
Darren, Stratford
I’ve got no plans to do that. Maybe this new film I’ve got coming out with Gillian Anderson, called Straight Heads, that’s a bit different. It’s a really fucked-up love story. She gets gang raped and I get beaten up.

Who would you pick to star in a sex scene?
Greg, Bristol
Dean Gaffney! Nah, I’d say Jessica Simpson – I’d like to fuck her! I’d like to have her trotters out. I’d have a bang on her. Actually, I like her sister Ashlee more.

Do you think there would be less football violence if the pies being sold at stadiums were better quality?
Lee, London
I think there would be less fighting if they laced the pies with ecstasy.

Do you have any tattoos?
Steve, Manchester
Yeah… it looks like I’ve leaned on a newspaper. I had it done in Thailand. I was off my head.

How can I get laid?
Martin, London
Have a wash, for a start, and make sure you’re well scrubbed. Go down fucking Soho, there’s loads of little brass houses. When it says ‘models second floor’ and all that – just pop up there, fucking 50 quid, you get a fuck. Not that I’d know…

Real Football Factories International starts 21 May, 10pm, on Bravo