Time For T

Mr T, The A-Team was all-action, Eighties entertainment.

What do you think of TV today?

I pity you, fool. The A-Team was about men being men, righting wrongs and having a little fun 'on the jazz' as Hannibal would say. Now you got those pussies in tutus on ice, foxtrotting across the dancefloor, singing showtunes and eating assholes in the jungle – I mean, assholes! We used to shoot assholes and now y'all swallow them down like they were prize pizzas (without the anchovies, of course – I hate anchovies). You're crazy suckers. We helped you guys out in two world wars and what do we get? Simon Cowell. If George Peppard was alive, he'd turn in his grave.

So how do you feel about the Face appearing in one of our reality shows?

'I ain't getting' on no plane, fool,' that's what I told them. They said it was an undercover operation to root out some evil warlord called Big 'Fro. Then my agent said he was Big Bro. But the Face said he was really a Big Mo-Fo - and he had a whole bunch of ho's. That's some master of disguise; Hannibal would have been proud.

It's been 20 years since The A-Team ended and you're still in great shape. Are you a metrosexual male?

Am I a WHAT? A metrosexual? Is that someone who gets jiggy on that underground system you folk have in London, England. Hell no. I don't have sex; I'm on a higher plane. Besides, I think I injured my neck with all those chains – I stoop a little now and can't move so fast.

Well, do you work hard to look after your appearance?

You mean does this mean machine primp and preen? Do I look like a pussy? The only juice that gets rubbed into my skin is Eau de BO, the natural pheromones of a real man. I used to be able to keep in shape just by lifting my chains, but now we've got this David Beckham soccer star coming over with all his boyish beads and bangles, I've had to put my jewellery away in case people get the wrong idea.

Were you sad to say goodbye to The A-Team?

Quit with your jibber-jabber. Do you think I sat there bonding with my brothers, exchanging friendship bracelets and swearing to keep in touch as we all group hugged while Billy Ocean played softly in the background? Brokeback Mountain sho' has a lot to answer for. The last time I saw Dwight Schultz was at a Star Trek convention – I only went because I like those all-in-ones they wear. And the last I heard from Dirk, he was forming a tribute band called The Gay Team with the black guy from the Jackson Five. I pity them, fools.

Film © 1986/1987 Universal Studios. All Rights Reserved.