What was the first joke you ever told and how did it go down?
Oooh, it was really crap, I mean really crap, but it was me first ever one. You know when you get on the bus and it says “Please show your pass to the driver”? Well, whenever I got on the bus someone had always scribbled the ‘P’ out, so I used to ask the driver if he wanted me to pull me pants down. Like I say, it wasn’t my best, but it was one of me first.
Who’s your favourite comedian ever, why them and what’s their best ever gag?
He’s not actually a comedian as such but I’d say Peter Sellers [fig.1]. I could watch the Pink Panther films every day and wet meself over and over again. There’s not many people who you just look at and burst out laughing but he does that for me.
If you had to compete in the Olympics, which sport would you choose?
Oooooh, maybe one on a horse! Ooooh, no! Hang on, what’s the one with the ribbons! [fig.2]
Floor gymnastics?
Yeah, I’ll do that! With the ribbons! [Probably doing swirling motions with hands]
Good choice. Your book is out and it’s called Look Who It Is! What other titles were in the running and what’s the worst biography you’ve ever read?
Well, you know there’s another Alan Carr who’s a no smoking guru [fig.3]? Well, in Waterstone’s, on the spine of his it says: “Alan Carr: How To Give Up Smoking”. So, as I’m gonna be on the shelf next to him I thought I could call mine “Alan Carr: Go on, have a fag!” That would’ve been good that.
You must have had some people on your show who you’ve had to research that are plugging some naff life stories?
Oh, I’ve waded through some right turkeys I have. It’s harder when you know the person and you know they’ve cut naughty bits out. I love a good warts ‘n’ all I do. Have you read Rupert Everett’s biography [fig.4]?
Not as yet.
Well, he knows everyone and that is a right eye-opener. It’s hysterical. Cocaine here, bumming there… as for bad ones, there’s just too many.
No sweat. Okay, imagine the scenario, you’re on an episode of Come Dine With Me, who would you least like to have round your house? …Name three people you don’t like, basically.
Haha, gotcha! Who don’t I like? Who’s been horrible to me? [Thinks] Piers Morgan – I wouldn’t have him. That orange thing round his neck – it’s called a goiter isn’t it? – I don’t like the way it wobbles when he talks. It’ll put me off my blancmange!
Who else? Pol Pot. He of the Khymer Rouge. Nasty man. Oh, and Marilyn Mansun. I interviewed him once and he was off his face on Absinthe. Naughty man.
What film can you watch over and over again, apart from The Pink Panther?
Rita, Sue and Bob, Too. When I first saw that I was quoting it for days: “WE’RE HAVING A GANGBANG, WE’RE HAVING A BALL!” Haha, you’ve gotta watch it. It’s proper 80s – stilettos and big shoulders, it’s wicked. You’re thinking “Fuck me!” Hahaha, sorry, carry on!
What’s been your best and worst ever Christmas present?
The worst present ever was a pair of jeans. They were second-hand and the reason I knew they were second-hand was because they had grass stains on the knee!
My best one ever was Castle Grayskull [fig.4], as I was really into He-Man. The skull as the bloody drawbridge! Awesome.
When you’re writing a new show or a gig, what is your best and most frequent source of inspiration?
I’ve usually just got my notebook with me. If I hear a funny phrase or a funny situation I jot it down. When I do a show jokes change and mould together and bounce off one another and it changes loads as the tour goes on. At the end of the day though, jokes are just words, you just gotta make the rhythm right. Sometimes it’s ridiculous. A gag might not be working but you change the chocolate bar reference to a Snickers and people will fucking piss themselves! It’s weird, it’s weird.
If you were a dinosaur, what species would you be?
Is it a triceratops with the big flaps round the ears and the spikes? Yeah, I like them. [fig.5]
Final question: What’s the best bit of advice you’ve ever been given?
I remember reading once about a Greek philosopher, Seneca or somink, who once said: “When shall we live, if not now”. Oh god, is that too deep for Maxim?
We can just about handle that I think.
Oh, no no no, I’ve got another one! Take that one out. Me nan told me on her deathbed: “Never tickle a grinning chimp.” I love the other one aswell though, you can use that in all yeah?
Sure thing. Cheers then.
Cheers then, byeeee!
Alan Carr is back with a brand new live stand-up show, ‘Spexy Beast’, which is coming to DVD on 14th November. Order yourself a copy now at: http://bit.ly/oALVTd
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