Darren Gough

Bobby Dazzler

Some people would rather electrocute their nipples than watch cricket. Not us. We love the game – especially when Darren Gough’s playing. The Barnsley barrel almost single-handledly made cricket fun – taking hat-tricks against the Aussies, rugby tackling streakers and, best of all, getting on it with Freddie Flintoff in the bar afterwards. Then he started dancing. Quite what a rhino-sized Yorkshireman was doing prancing about on TV was beyond us, so we tracked him down, bought him a pint and got him to explain…

Strictly Come Dancing – isn’t that a bit girly?

I call it metrosexual. People didn’t know what to expect. Then, when they saw the first show, they couldn’t believe I pulled it off. I’m a lad’s lad, people know that – and even now, you wouldn’t get me on a dancefloor – but I’m competitive and I fancied the challenge.

Have you ever been hit in the nads with a cricket ball?

Twice – in two balls! We were playing Middlesex and this guy David Follett bowled at me. I tried to pull it, missed it and it nipped back into my nads, and I went down. Next ball, exactly the same thing happened and
I was down for 10 minutes. The worst one I saw, though, was a guy called Martin Moxon who was wearing the old-style box. He got hit there and it split the box. The physio ran on and went, ‘Urrgh’. So I knew it was bad. His foreskin had gone through the split, and he had to prise the box open to pull it out. He came in the next day and his whole sack and balls were black and blue.

What’s the best bit of sledging you’ve ever heard?

We were playing in Australia. Stewie Law was fielding at mid-off. Ian Healy said to him, ‘Come and field in front of Nasser Hussein’s nose’ – and Nasser’s got a big hooter – so Stewie, instead of coming towards him, walked away and went and stood on the boundary. It was so quick – classic.

Is Bruce Forsyth insane?

He’s mad as badger – but he’s part of the furniture. When you tune into Saturday-night TV, you want to see Brucie. I think he’s hilarious. How old is he now? Eighty? He’s amazing. He still tap dances, he still sings… I don’t think there’s ever going to be an end to him. My father-in-law, who’s American, once went past him in America and shouted, ‘What do points make?’ and Bruce shouted back, ‘Prizes!’ and just carried on walking. That’s the type of guy he is. He’s a national icon. 

Have you ever played cricket while drunk?

Yes, I’ve done that a few times. And I did it in a test match for England. It was the end of the series against South Africa, and it had rained on days two, three and four. There was no chance of a result, and we thought it’d be raining the next day, too, so that night we all went into the bar and started drinking. I came down to breakfast the next day and Duncan Fletcher said, ‘You’d better get changed. It’s not raining. We’re starting on time! ’I had no energy and had to go and bowl. But, actually, it became a famous test match because we ended up winning and I hit the winning runs.

What’s the funniest thing you’ve seen on a cricket pitch?

I was playing for the Yorkshire second team away to Scarborough. There were flats around the ground, and Dave Pennant came in to bowl and he suddenly went down, saying, ‘I’ve been stung, I’ve been stung!’ And he was holding his butt. When he stood up, he had a pellet in his arse. Two kids from the block of flats had shot him up the arse with a pellet gun.

What’s the messiest drinking session you’ve had?

We used to have Yorkshire club Saturday nights where we’d sit round in stupid outfits – you might wear
just a jockstrap, a tie round your neck, your hat back to front and one glove on. You’d do left-handed drinking and have all these little phrases and drink loads. It only lasted an hour, but then after that hour, you’d drunk so much you’d all go out and chunder your guts up.

Which England player would you never take on drinking?

Freddie. I’ve taken him on a few times and lost. Actually, I did carry him home a couple of times – but he is a very good drinker. As good as it gets. I’d be comfortable taking anyone else on, but Freddie is pretty good with a pint pot.

Did you ever get a stiffy while dancing?

You’d look pretty silly live on TV with a stiffy – especially in those trousers. They’re that tight, no blood can get to it, to be honest. You couldn’t get one on if you tried.