Chris Tarrant

Tarrant Talks

	If ever I’m on my mobile, people go , ‘Oi Chris, you phoning a friend?’ Every single day of my life I get that.

Parkinson, Forsyth, Aspel, Norden – godfathers of television. Men who’ve intertained the humble British public for decades with their mix of OAP humour, knockout catchphrases and bad tailoring. Now, after 30 years in the industry, another man can be added to that illustrious list – Chris Tarrant. From early Tiswaz to Tarrant On TV to Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?, the unconventional anchor has kept us enthralled like tiny kids on a school carpet. We thought it was high time we bought the great man a pint, posed some questions and asked him for his ‘final answer’…

You worked as a lorry driver. What's your best lorry driver story?

It was one of the best jobs I’ve ever done. I was about 19 and I was built like a gorilla because I was loading and delivering all these lawnmowers all over the country. I remember going into Doncaster in this articulated lorry, and I was reversing it and I suddenly got it wrong, and went completely out of control. I must’ve taken out about six cars. I’ve never ever admitted that but if you lived in Doncaster in the early 70s and you found your car seriously smashed in one afternoon on the left-hand side, it was probably me.

Is it true you were best man at Jeremy Beadle’s wedding?

I was at the wedding – but not best man. It was the funniest wedding I’ve ever been to in my life. When we got to the hotel, this bloke said, ‘There’s a power cut, which means the electronic till isn’t working.’ So we all went down to the bar and got completely hammered for free! We then got to the actual wedding and this registrar called Kevin says, ‘I’m sorry, but because of power problems, there’s no music.’ So we said, ‘Don’t worry, we’ll sing the songs anyway!’ So we all sang ‘Here Come the Bride’, then ‘Hava Negila’, then ‘Onward Christian Soldiers’. When Kevin got to the bit – “Does any man here know of any reason why they can’t be married…” the whole congregation stood up! It was hilarious. 

If you went walking with Ronnie Corbett would you carry him up the hills in your rucksack, or let him playfully scamper up them of his own accord?

I would definitely carry him up the hills in my rucksack, with the top zipped to stop him telling jokes. If I let him scamper he’ll probably get lost in the grass!

Were there any clips too extreme to show on Tarrant on TV?

I was doing an interview with this woman from Radio Lake District and she asked me this. I said to her, ‘Well, there was one, but I can’t tell you and your lovely Cumbrian audience.’ And she started to goad me, saying, ‘Ooh, go on, go on, tell me.' And she wouldn’t stop, basically jabbing me with a pin, so in the end I just went, ‘Oh OK, it was the wanking rhinoceros!’ And this woman screamed, ‘Aaargh, we are live you know!’ and suddenly the Fine Young Cannibals came on. It was a live lunchtime show, the silly old fool.

Do you think Carol Vorderman is getting hotter by the year?

Yes I do! The thing with Carol – when she became more than just the scorer on Countdown and she got this exclusive ITV contract, she got all glammed up. And immediately got absolutely slagged by all these old birds in the press. And you think – ‘Give the woman a break. What is she supposed to do? Just stand there and go, ‘I’m a mousey little scorer from a show made in Yorkshire. I’m 40 now, I’ll have to look like a dog’s breakfast.’ She started wearing leather and doing her hair and I thought she looked great. And why shouldn’t she?

Which pairing would you most like to see on Celebrity Millionaire? 

We haven’t had Billy Connolly. He’d be like [adopts crazed Scottish accent] ‘Ah fuck off, fuck, fuck you.’. ‘Er, Billy, we’re live…’ [adopts accent again] ‘Fuck you.’ Who would we get him on with though? Billy Connolly and the Archbishop of Canterbury! That’d be a good one, we’ll work on that.

How often do people ask you, ‘Is that your final answer?’

The one they say the most is, ‘Phone a friend’. If ever I’m on my mobile in the street, people go [adopts cockney accent], ‘Oi Chris, you phoning a friend?’ Every single day of my life I get that. Last summer it was hot so I went into a pub and ordered a pint. My tongue’s hanging out I wanted a pint so badly. The barman fills it right to the top, goes to hand it over and then just pours it away, and says, ‘But we don’t want to give you that!’ The whole pub laughed and once I’d got over the shock, I thought it was very funny.

I heard you got thrown out of university halls for tying a goose's wings together and throwing it off the 13th floor. What the hell?

When I was at university at an annual dinner, I got absolutely hammered and threw this beer glass through a glass window and smashed the whole thing. I was wheeled in the next morning by the high chief and he said, ‘Mr Tarrant, last night you made a nuisance of yourself and broke a window. If we do it again next year, could you categorically promise to us that it won’t happen again?’ And I said, ‘I’m really sorry but I cannot be responsible for myself on these occasions.’ So they threw me out of halls. And this story has now got more and more extreme. I had now heard that I threw a refrigerator through the window, that I threw a piano through the window, that I threw the piano with a man sitting on his stool playing it through the window, and the most recent one that I threw a live goose through a window – and that I had its wings stapled! It wasn’t a goose – it was a beer glass!

You’re at a party that’s gone a bit stale. How do you liven it up?

I usually throw a live goose out of the window…