1. I have learnt that my brain isn’t as interested in stuff
as I am. I’ll try and take in some information and the brain shows interest for
a bit but then gets bored and starts thinking about something else. It’s not
all my brains fault though, sometimes it’s my eyes that interfere. When I try
to read facts or information, my eyes drift away onto something else, so the
chance of having my eyes and the brain interested at the same time is slim.
Then there’s my ears: they might hear something that tells the brain to stop
reading and tells the eyes to go and have a look at what the ears heard. I
don’t know which one of these senses make the main decisions in my life.
2. The thing I learnt at a young age that has stuck with me was what I was told when on holiday in Wales when I was a kid. I was walking along the beach with me Mam and Dad when a load of leathered up Hell’s Angels went past on motorbikes. I said ‘I might be a Hell’s Angel when I’m older.’ My mam told me to be a Hells Angel you have to poo in your pants and wear them for a week. I still don’t know if it’s true or if my mam just said it cos she didn’t want me messing about on a motorbike. My Dad said if it is true, my Aunty Nora could join today.
3. I’ve learnt that if you sort one problem out, the
solution always brings another problem. Years ago the news always went on about
how hospitals never had enough beds. I was in hospital a while back. There are
now plenty of beds. Problem now is there aren’t enough pillows. The nurse found
me one eventually that was still a bit warm as if it had been removed from
under a dead patient’s head.
4. I learnt about Stonefish after a visit to the London Aquarium. I didn’t even know these things existed. They look the spitting image of a stone. If a human stands on them they can release enough poison to kill a man. Seems a bit unfair that something can look like a pebble and be that dangerous. I mean, fair enough if someone steps onto a lion’s tail and it rips them apart, they should have looked where they were going, but to look like a pebble and then get that annoyed if someone steps on you seems a bit mental. I’ve never liked the sea. There are too many hiding places for dangerous stuff to hide behind, like seaweed, coral, rocks and stones. Now you can’t even trust the stones.
5. I’ve learnt that Ringworm still exists. I thought this died out years ago with rickets. That was until I went to the doctor about a cough and while I was there I thought I’d show him an itchy rash I had on me leg. I thought it was eczema. He said I had ringworm. He must have seen panic in my face as he quickly explained that I shouldn’t worry as it doesn’t actually contain worms. I don’t think they would get away with giving such a name to an illness now, not with all these trades description laws.
6. I’ve learnt that I still can’t get me head around how
things evolve. Me mate said a giraffe grew a long neck due to it reaching for
food that was high up on trees. If that’s the case, this could happen with
humans in years to come as the shelves in Asda are getting higher and higher.
7. I have learnt that there is way too much fruit. I can’t keep up with the amount of fruit that are in the supermarkets. When I was a kid the choice was just apples,oranges, bananas…. and grapes if you were ill. Now there’s loads more than that. I’m sure it’s harder to win on fruit machines now as there is more fruit to match up on the reels than there used to be. Years ago the saying went ‘an apple a day keeps the doctor away.’ Now they tell us to eat five fruits. That’s cos we’ve got too much of the stuff and need to get it all used up.
8. The world is way too over crowded. I’ve heard if it carries on like this, some of us will have to live under ground. When you think, it’s already started as some people live in basement flats. We’re tight on space. I asked different people facts they have learnt in their life for my new book (Karlology). Noel Fielding out of the Mighty Boosh told me that bears have to put mud up their arse when they hibernate as ants crawl up there otherwise. When things are living up animal’s arses you know that space is getting a bit tight.
9. I’ve learnt just cos you can call a small chocolate bar ‘fun sized’ it doesn’t mean you can call a midget ‘fun sized’. They don’t like it.
10. I have learnt that there is a tribe somewhere in South America that are still living like it’s cavemen times. Killing stuff with spears and not using language. If they get annoyed with you, they let you know by shaking their nob and testicles at you. I think this is where the saying ‘getting a bollocking’ might have come from. I don’t know what the woman do if they get annoyed.
Karlology written by Karl Pilkington is out now, priced £12.99
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