Alex Zane

With alumni including Ricky Gervais, Jimmy Carr and Russell Brand, Xfm is officially the UK’s most chucklesome radio station. Currently occupying the prestigious breakfast show slot is former Popworld and Balls Of Steel star Alex Zane. It’s not easy to make people laugh at such an ungodly time of day, and anyone capable of penetrating that early-morning padding of misery deserves a pat on the back. Or a pint
of lager, perhaps? Maxim got the beers in and found out how on Earth someone can be so excitable at six in the morning…

You have to be up stupidly early for the breakfast show. What’s the worst state you’ve done it in? 

After the Brits. We have a rule now where we can’t all be like that… I was sick [on air] in a comedy Guinness Irish hat. Great radio, being sick in a hat live on air.

Your fellow Xfm DJ Dave Berry is a bit of a cockney. If you cut him, would he bleed jellied eels?

I wonder… I’m almost tempted to cut him and see if that would happen. Is he a real cockney? Well, he’s sold me a few dodgy watches and a  ‘Nintendo Woo’, so yeah… Dave  ‘pack up the stall, it’s the Old Bill’  Berry.

Have you seen Alexa Chung’s boobs? Are they any good?

I think so, but not in any sly,  ‘I’m going to walk in when she’s getting changed’  way. I once asked her to flash me, and I saw one boob. Are they good? I can confirm that one was very nice, it looked functional. Although I’ve only seen the left, so I wouldn’t like to comment on her right boob. It could be covered in hair and tattoos. But the left was very good.

If you could swap hair with any celebrity, who would it be?

I would probably go for Burt Reynolds, Smokey And The Bandit-era. I’d have to have the moustache as well though. If I could grow one like that, I’d definitely grow it. One of the top five movies ever made, Smokey And The Bandit. If you ignore the thinly veiled racist overtones, that is.

If you were stuck on a desert island, would you rather be accompanied by a wise owl, a kindly bear or a wisecracking monkey?

Not a wisecracking monkey. I just know what I’m like, so he’d say something and I’d feel I would have to outdo him. He’d then do that with me… years would go by and we’d still be on the same topic of conversation. A kindly bear… sounds a bit smothering. Also a bear could only be so kindly… I might get my head stuck in a honeypot and then how kind is it going to be? I’d go for a wise owl. It would be like that paperclip on Word…  ‘Are you trying to build a raft to escape?’

What’s the stupidest thing a celebrity has ever said to you?

I once convinced Emma Griffiths that a woman had once performed oral sex on a man, swallowed his semen, and through a miracle of science, a baby had started to grow in her stomach. But obviously it had been unable to develop properly, and so she’d pooed out a half-developed baby. Initially she was like,  ‘Shut up, that’s rubbish,’  but after an hour of me going on about it she went,  ‘Yeah, you know what? I can believe that. I can believe that a woman could poo out half a baby.’  I pissed myself. An hour spent on getting that two-second reaction!

What’s the strangest thing you’ve ever been sent in the post?

It was a little bit bewildering… I got some fan mail written in purple, which gave off the idea that it was written by a girl of nine or ten. It said,  ‘I think you’re great on TV, I’d like to meet you.’  It also listed a website on the back. I thought,  ‘That’s odd, she seems young to have a website.’  I clicked on the site and up comes a shot of a girl – big, blonde with huge tits – draped across various pieces of machinery. I was expecting some sort of children’s site, but there were tits everywhere!

What’s the most irritating song you’ve had to play on the radio?

Well, I’ve got quite a high threshold of tolerance for crap. I would say Scouting For Girls: any one of their songs is only a stone’s throw from their others.  You start to feel like you’re playing them every third song.  That’s a bit difficult to stomach every morning.

What’s the most embarrassing thing you’ve got on your iPod?

D:Ream probably. ‘Things Can Only Get Better’. I got it through my letterbox in 1997. Forget Oasis, forget Blur… D:Ream – they’re Cool Britannia.

Do you wipe with the left or the right?

I wipe with the right. I wipe standing up as well. Is that odd? I’ve just always done it. A friend of mine says he wees sitting down. I'd find it a bit emasculating sitting down for a wee and if you look at me, I’m not a man who needs emasculating any further.