Johnny Vaughan

Johnny Vaughan is a very excitable man. Before I've even uttered my name, he's ranted about Alex Ferguson, shown off his new Toast & Egg maker, whisked me to his local sweet shop for a boiled sweet, eaten a fried breakfast and given me a page-by-page commentary of The Sun newspaper. Not that I mind - today he is being very funny. Buzzing from his Capital Radio breakfast show, he's eventually takes a seat to answer your questions. Brace yourself for a whiteknuckle comedy ride with Britain's real saviour of radio.

Johnny Vaughan is rhyming slang for porn. Are you happy about that?

It's not any kind of legacy for my kids. But it could be worse - I could be James Blunt or Konnie Huq.

What was your first experience of porn as a kid? 

I sent off for some because I couldn't buy it. It was absolutely obscene. And my dad then received a letter from the headquarters of David Sullivan's empire because it had got raided, saying, 'Dear Mr Vaughan. In a recent purchase of hardcore pornography, we would like evidence that you destroyed the magazine or send it back to us.' He couldn't believe that his 13-year-old son has sent off for hardcore pornography. I remember denying it, and my mum not believing him.

Have you ever totalled a car? 

Yes I have, my granny's gold Renault 5. I had these enormous speakers on the back seat from my house which just had a seatbelt over them and when we crashed, they started flying around the place. My mate was teaching me how to do anti-lock steering. He puts the handbrake on and suddenly we're going along this verge, the car goes boom, and we're side up in a ditch. I looked at him and said, 'What did you do that for? I wasn't ready!' and he goes, 'You wouldn't be ready in a real crash!' I said, 'This is a real fucking crash!' We started to smell petrol leaking and he really panicked, and the last thing I remember is seeing him trying to get his fat arse out of the window. I remember him trapping it and letting his trousers get further and further down and he's Aryan looking and there is nothing worse than a great big blond hairy arse going out the window and knowing I had to follow it out.

Were you disappointed not to get an Oscar nomination for your role in Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo? 

I went to stay in a German resort last year on holiday in Portugal and the only pay-per-view film on the German channel was Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo. The next day I was around the pool and this German came up to me and said, 'You a movie star, ya?' And I was like 'Well, I guess, but more television and radio really.' He goes, 'Oh ya, movie star, movie star.' And he kept coming over and bringing me beers, going, 'My wife is a big fan of yours!' When him and all the other Germans were getting on the coach home, they all want  a photo with me, and the last guy turns round tome and goes, 'As soon as we get home, we watch Transporter 1 and 2!' And I realised - Oh fuck, they think I'm Jason Statham! They're going to get home and be like, 'He lied! He lied to us!'

Is there anything funnier than seeing a fat man fall off a bike? 

Yes, seeing a fat man thinking he's being really funny at the Brit Awards and just dying on his arse.

You're a big Chelsea fan. What do you think of Scolari?

There's a good drinking game I'd like to get going on radio - who is football's most notorious B.I.G? Big Jack, Big Sam, Big Ron, there's million of them. It's called 'Or you could have...' and you take it in turns to name one as you drink.  It's like when Carlsberg started advertising their Special Brew as 'Nectar of the Gods'. It's funny - I don't remember that bit in Homer where Zeus steps out to yell at traffic or that one where Apollo pisses himself or when Achilles twats his wife... But, in answer to your question, I think Scolari is football's biggest Big.

Did people used to take the piss out of you at school?

Not really, because I used to take the piss out of myself more. If you go on a school camp and you get pissed and wet the bed, and people go, 'You've wet the bed!' you go, 'That's nothing. Two nights ago, I shat it.' That's the trick, go one better.

Why did 'Orrible get panned? We thought it was genius. 

It's because of all the TV critics like Gareth McLean who are a confederacy of dunces. They criticise because they can't create. But there was a generation growing up that loved it and now, to buy a brand new copy on amazon, it's £79.99  - the most expensive comedy DVD on earth! When the Archie Bronson Outfit picked up a South Bank award, they said, 'You gotta get a PMA. Like Kriss Akabusi says, "Get out there, get the job done, or fuck off."'' It was a quote from 'Orrible.

Where's the strangest place you've ever woken up? 

Under a dartboard with a dart in my head. 

If you could share the Big Breakfast Bed one more time, who would you share it with? 

Without doubt, Giselle. I think she's awesome. Sometimes beauty gets on a level where it becomes almost like a racehorse. Not that I'd fuck a horse. But when you see something so well bred and perfect, there's absolutely nothing wrong with it. She has an arse so pert you could balance a wine glass on it such is the jut. She's got great hair, amazing shaped eyes and a really good rack. She's just fantastic.