Best of Peter Cook

Throughout his 30-year career, Peter Cook was regarded as the most talented comedian of his generation. According to John Cleese, ‘Most of us would take six hours to write a good three-minute sketch, it took Peter three minutes.’ Whether brutally satirising the establishment, performing gleefully daft sketches or springing the word ‘cunt’ on an unsuspecting audience, Cook’s material was more original than anything else out there.

Best loved for his work with fun-sized sidekick Dudley Moore, Cook achieved massive success across the 1960s and 1970s, with sketch show Not Only, But Also and film collaborations such as Bedazzled. As funny off stage as he was on it, Cook was a chat show host’s dream, often turning up ‘lubricated’ to provide Parky and co with material they would be trading off for years. This month sees the comedian rightly  honoured with a green plaque outside The Establishment Club. Congratulations Peter: we salute you. 

1937

Born, in Torquay, Devon. Father Alec serves in WW2, only meeting Peter properly when he was seven.

1958 

A Student at Cambridge University, Cook joins the Footlights. Elected President in 1960.

1961

Co-founds comedy club ‘The Establishment’ in Soho.

[Impersonating PM Harold Macmillan, who was in the audience]  

‘When I’ve a spare evening, there’s nothing I like better than to wander over to a theatre and sit there listening to a group of sappy, urgent, vibrant young satirists, with a stupid great grin spread all over my silly old face.’

Beyond the Fringe, 1962

1962

Takes over from Andrew Osmond as owner of Private Eye, boosting the ailing mag’s circulation.

1963

Marries first wife Wendy Snowden. Divorced in 1970 after Cook embarks on a string of affairs.

[Dud, as Spiggott, is a one-legged actor looking to be cast as Tarzan]

Pete Well, Mr Spiggott, need I point out to you where your deficiency lies as regards to landing the role?

Dud Yes, I think you ought to.

Pete Need I say with overmuch emphasis that it is in the leg division that you are deficient?

Dud The leg division?

Pete Yes, the leg division, Mr Spiggott. You are deficient in it – to the tune of one. Your right leg I like – a lovely leg for the role. That’s what I said when I saw it come in. I said,  ‘A lovely leg for the role.’  I’ve got nothing against your right leg. The trouble is - neither have you.

‘One Leg Too Few’, Beyond The Fringe, 1964

[Alan Bennett interviews Cook, as Deputy Head of Scotland Yard, about The Great Train Robbery…]

Bennett Sir Arthur, who do you think may have perpetrated this awful crime?

Cook Well, we believe this to be the work of thieves, and I’ll tell you why. The whole pattern is very reminiscent of past robberies where we have found thieves to have been involved. The tell-tale loss of property – that’s one of the signs we look for, the snatching away of the money substances – it all points to thieves.

Ben So you feel thieves are responsible?

Cook  Good heavens no! I feel that thieves are totally irresponsible. They’re a ghastly group of people, snatching away your money, stealing from you…

Ben I appreciate that, Sir Arthur, but…

Cook  You may appreciate it, but I don’t. I’m sorry I can’t agree with you. If you appreciate having your money snatched away from you I will have to consider you some sort of odd fish…

‘The Great Train Robbery’, Beyond The
Fringe, 1964

1964

Begins regular slot on ITV current affairs programme On The Braden Beat, delivering weekly monologues as EL Wisty. Initially scheduled for four episodes, the character is a hit, and Cook goes on to appear in 16 more.

‘I had quite a lot of influence during the war, although I wasn’t in government. I used to write to Winston Churchill and tell him what was going on. Right at the beginning of the war, I said, ‘The people to get are the Boches – beat the Germans and the war’s over.’  And I said,  ‘The man behind the Germans is Adolf Hitler. Once you kill Hitler, you’re laughing.’ And eventually, after about six years, he took my advice.’

On The Braden Beat, 1964

1965

The BBC commissions Cook to write sketches for a TV vehicle for Cook’s Beyond The Fringe co-star, Dudley Moore. Moore extends the invitation to include Cook as co-star, and the double act Pete & Dud is born in Not Only, But Also.

Pete About two nights ago, I come in about half-past-eleven at night. We’d been having a couple of drinks, I remember. I come in, I get into bed, you see, feeling quite sleepy. I could feel the lids of me eyes beginning to droop, you see – a bit of a droop in the eyes. I was just about to drop off when suddenly – tap, tap, tap at the bloody window pane. I looked out.  You know who it was?

Dud Who?

Pete Bloody Greta Garbo. Bloody Greta Garbo, stark naked, save for a shortie nightie, hanging on to the window sill, and I could see her knuckles all white, saying,  ‘Peter… Peter…’   You know how these bloody Swedes go on. I said,  ‘Get out of it!’  Bloody Greta Garbo. She wouldn’t go, she wouldn’t go, I had to smash her down with a broomstick – poke her off the window sill. She fell down onto the pavement with a great crash.

‘Film Stars’, Not Only, But Also, 1965

Pete Anyway, the bus drew to a halt, and onto the platform steps this uncannily beautiful woman with incredibly sensuous looks about her. She had sensuality written all over her face.

Dud Did she really?

Pete Well not literally, no – she just oozed sensuality.

Dud I know – bit sweaty.

Pete I sometimes wish, you know, that women would have  ‘sensuality’  or something actually written over their face – ‘sensuality’  or  ‘frigidity’.

Dud Yeah, you’d know where you were then, wouldn’t you?

Pete You wouldn’t waste your money.

Dud What would you have if you had something written on your face, Pete?

Pete I think I’d have  ‘dynamic lust’  on my face.

Dud I’d have  ‘insatiable passion’.

‘On the Bus’, Not Only, But Also, 1965

1966

Makes film debut in Michael Caine film The Wrong Box, alongside other top British comedians including Tony Hancock and Peter Sellers.

1967

Writes and stars in Bedazzled, alongside Dudley Moore. Despite having appeared together as The Finsbury Brothers in The Wrong Box, this is the first time the duo have taken starring big-screen roles together. Goes on to write and star in The Rise And Rise Of Michael Rimmer with John Cleese.

‘There was a time when I used to get lots of ideas… I thought up the Seven Deadly Sins in one afternoon. The only thing I’ve come up with recently is advertising.’

As The Devil in Bedazzled, 1967

‘In the words of Marcel Proust – and this applies to any woman in the world – if you can stay up and listen with a fair degree of attention to whatever garbage, no matter how stupid it is, that they’re coming out with, til ten minutes past four in the morning… You’re in.’

Bedazzled, 1967

‘Hugh, I loved your speech on abortion. It was really gorgeous.’

As schmoozing politician Michael Rimmer in The Rise And Rise Of Michael Rimmer, 1970

1973

Creates ‘Derek & Clive’ , a foul mouthed double act ‘discovered’ by Pete & Dud. Over five years, the pair recorded three albums of improvised dialogue that was shocking for the period. A cult hit with many bands, such as Led Zeppelin and the Stones.

Derek I’ll tell you, the other day some bloke came up to me and he said,  ‘You cunt.’

Clive Yeah.

Derek I said,  ‘What?’  He said, ‘You cunt.’

Clive Yeah. And you replied,  ‘You fucking cunt.’

Derek Well, not straight away. I said,  ‘You cunt,’  I said.

Clive What did he come back with?

Derek He come back, he said, ‘You fucking cunt.’

Clive  You’re joking! He said,  ‘You fucking cunt’?

Derek Yeah, he said,  ‘You call me a cunt, you fucking cunt?’  I said, ‘You fucking cunt.’

Clive I should hope so.  You fucking cunt.

Derek I said,  ‘You fucking cunt,’ I said,  ‘You fucking come here and call me a fucking cunt?’

Clive I should say so.

Derek I said,  ‘You cunt.’  I said, ‘You fucking cunt.’  I said,  ‘Who you fucking calling cunt, cunt?’

Clive Yeah, what did he say, cunt?

Derek He said,  ‘You fucking cunt!’

Clive You fucking cunt, who are you to say to him that he was a fucking cunt?

Derek What d’you fucking think, mate, I was fucking defending my fucking self, wasn’t I?

Clive Well, no, he come up to you, call you a cunt. That’s fair enough. He said,  ‘You fucking cunt,’  and you said back to him, ‘You fucking, fucking cunt.’   Well what do you expect him to say back apart from,  ‘You fucking stupid fucking cunt?’

Derek Well, I don’t expect nothing, do I?

Clive No.

Derek But the cunt came back with,  ‘You fucking cunt, cunt.’

Clive Oh Christ.

Derek I said,  ‘You cunt.’  I said, ‘You  calling me a fucking cunt?’ I said,  ‘You fucking cunt.’

Clive Jesus Christ.

(Derek & Clive (Live), 1976)

Cook (as ‘Clive’)  I’m just sorry ‘Derek’ (Dudley Moore) couldn’t be here… the midget poof is in Switzerland having a facelift of some kind, so he couldn’t make it. But he sends his love.

(So it Goes, 1976)

1974

Marries actress Judy Huxtable. Cook’s penchant for booze and women remains intact and the pair divorce in 1987.

1977

Signed up by The Dail Mail to write a weekly page called ‘Peter Cook’s Monday Morning Feeling’.

‘One explanation of the universe that has been little probed by theologians, is that God is a benign drunk and the world is His hangover… I know this is blasphemy and please don’t send me pamphlets. The God I’m in touch with has a sense of humour and even tolerates bad jokes.’

The Daily Mail, 1977

‘For some obscure reason, possibly his wife, that fat heap of lard Bernard Manning made a misguided attempt to become an  ‘all round entertainer’  on ITV last week. He is extremely good at being nasty and should abandon all hopes of becoming loveable. He is far more successful as himself.’

The Daily Mail, 1977

Parkinson [Referring to Dudley Moore] I must now ask you a question about your little friend.

Cook [Looking at his fly] It is done up, isn’t it?

Parkinson, 1982

1986

Having split with Dudley Moore following the final Derek & Clive album, Cook takes on an increasing number of film roles, including classic British satire, Whoops Apocalypse, alongside a young Rik Mayall and Alexei Sayle.

‘You can’t show you’re resolute without showing you are strong. And you can’t show you are strong without blowing people up.’

As PM Sir Mortimer Chris in Whoops Apocalypse, 1986

[Sir Mortimer Chris unveils his plan for nuclear defence…]

Sir Mortimer Brilliant. And they only cost a pound.

Cabinet Minister But surely… it’s just an umbrella?

[Cut to minister being crucified]

Whoops Apocalypse, 1986

‘Having established the root cause of unemployment, we now need to come up with a job creation programme. I have devised an idea that will create millions of new jobs within the first year of operation. Every week, 500 working people jump off a cliff, thus creating 500 new jobs.’

Whoops Apocalypse, 1986

1987

Takes cameo role in fantasy comedy The Princess Bride, as a clergyman with a speech impediment.

1989

Marries third wife Chiew Lin Chong, a Malaysian-born property developer [below]. Lives alone, whilst Chong moves into a separate house, 100 yards away. Asserts that this living arrangement would be universally popular, if more people could afford it. The couple remain together until Cook’s death.

1993

Hints at comedy comeback with performance of four new characters on Clive Anderson Strikes Back. This proves a false dawn, the death of his mother leading to a spate of heavy drinking.

1995

Dies at the age of 57, following serious internal haemorraging as a direct result of liver damage. His hard-drinking lifestyle catching up with him at last, Cook had been admitted to hospital two days previously,  declaring, ‘I feel a bit poorly.’

2005

Ranked No. 1 in a Channel 4 list to find The Comedian’s Comedian. Voted for by more than 300 comedians, writers, producers and directors, Cook finishes ahead of icons such as Groucho Marx, Laurel & Hardy, Bill Hicks and Woody Allen. Famously described by Stephen Fry as ‘The funniest man that ever drew breath.’