Best of Larry David

Most comedians would give their left leg to land even one half-decent sitcom, but in the shape of Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm Larry David has a one-two punch to leave his contemporaries reeling. With Seinfeld proving to be one of the most successful shows in American television history, syndication and DVD sales alone bagged David close to some 250 million dollars, as well as universal acclaim. But never one to rest on his laurels, David would go on to make the leap in front of the camera for his Seinfeld follow-up, Curb Your Enthusiasm. A master class in the comedy of embarrassment, Curb was David’s forum to let loose at all the little things in life that get on his wick. And there are plenty of them. 20 years after Seinfeld first aired on NBC, and 10 years since the Curb pilot hit HBO screens, it’s our pleasure to present the best bits of one of the greatest comedians of his generation. We think you’ll agree it’s pretty good. ‘Pret-tay, pret-tay good’.

1947 - Born in Sheepshead Bay, Brooklyn, David grows up in a small apartment with brother Kenny and parents Rose and Morty. The latter becomes the basis for Jerry’s dad on Seinfeld.

1970 - Graduates from University of Maryland with a degree in history, before returning to New York and a string of crappy jobs including a stint as a bra salesman.

‘I was beyond incompetent. I remember having to walk around with a brown grocery bag full of bras. I got fired within two months.’

(Curb Your Enthusiasm: The Book)

1980 – Lands a part on the sketch show Fridays, alongside future Seinfeld star Michael Richards. Establishes himself as a stand-up on the New York comedy circuit, despite a tendency to storm off stage if he didn’t like the look of the audience.

David: I had a rough time doing stand-up. On certain occasions I would yell at the audience. I would walk off after ten minutes. I wasn’t having fun, I was torturing them, I was being tortured. Why stay up there?

Letterman: What would trigger these episodes?

David: A little look askance, like “I don’t quite like you”. A look in their eye saying, “I don’t like you”. I’d go, “Oh, no? You don’t? Goodbye.” One time I got up there, I looked the audience over, I though, “Naaah, I don’t think so,” and left!

(Late Show With David Letterman)

1984 - Joins Saturday Night Live as a writer. Only one of his sketches is ever used, and he storms out, only to return the next day.  This inspires the Seinfeld episode ‘The Revenge’, where George does exactly the same. David quits for good the following year.

“Finally I just got completely fed up. One night, about five minutes before the live show, I got up a full head of steam, walked over to Dick Ebersol, the producer, and said, “That’s it, I’m done. This show stinks! I’m leaving. I quit.” So I left, and on the walk home to 43rd and 10th I started to calculate how much this temper tantrum was going to cost me. When I got home, I went over to Kenny Kramer’s, my friend and neighbour, to talk about it, and he had the idea to just go back and pretend it never happened. So the following Monday I just showed up at the meeting and the other writers all looked at me like, “What are you doing here?” Ebersol never said a word- maybe he thought all writers behaved this way.”

(Curb Your Enthusiasm: The Book)

1988- Creates Seinfeld with fellow stand-up Jerry Seinfeld, based around the concept of how a comedian gets his material. The first series airs on NBC the following year.

Jerry: You’re still thinking about this?

George: She invites me up, at twelve o’clock at night, for coffee…and I don’t go up. “No thank you. I don’t want coffee. It keeps me up. Too late for me to drink coffee”. I said this to her. People this stupid shouldn’t be allowed to live. I can’t imagine what she must think of me.

Jerry: She thinks you’re a guy that doesn’t like coffee

George: She invited me up. Coffee’s not coffee, coffee is sex.

Elaine: Maybe coffee was coffee?

George: Coffee is coffee in the morning, it’s not coffee at twelve o’clock at night.

Elaine: Well some people drink coffee that late

George: Yeah people who work at NORAD who are on 24-hour missile-watch. Everything was going so great, she was laughing, I was funny, I kept saying to myself, “keep it up, don’t blow it, you’re doing great”.

Elaine: It’s all in your head, all she knows is that she had a good time. I think you should call her.

George: I can’t call her now, it’s too soon. I’m planning a Wednesday call.

Elaine: Oh, why? I love it when guys call me the next day.

George: Of course you do, but you’re imagining a guy you like, not a guy who goes “oh no, I don’t drink coffee late at night”. If I call her now she’s gonna think I’m too needy. Women don’t wanna see need, they want a take-charge guy, a Colonel, a Kaiser, a Tsar.

Elaine: All she’ll think is that you like her.

George: That’s exactly what I’m trying to avoid.

Elaine: She wants you to like her!

George: Yes she wants me to like her if she likes me, but she doesn’t like me.

Elaine: I don’t know what your parents did to you.

Season 2, The Phone Message

(Jerry has been dumped by his date after she spots him doing ‘the pick’)

Jerry: I called every day for the past four days and she hasn’t even returned one call.

George: Was it a scratch, or a pick?

Jerry: It was a scratch!

George: Hey, it’s me…

Jerry: Don’t you think I know the difference between a pick and a scratch?

George: Was there any, nostril penetration?

Jerry: There may have been some incidental penetration, but from her angle she was in no position to make the call

George: So let’s say, in her mind, she witnessed a pick…okay, so then what?

Jerry: Is that so unforgivable? Is that like breaking a Commandment? Did God say to Moses, “Thou Shalt Not Pick”?

George: I guarantee you, Moses was a picker. You wander through the desert for forty years with that dry air? You telling me you’re not gonna have occasion to clean house a little?

Jerry: Lemme ask you something, if you were going out with somebody and she did that, what would you do? Would you continue going out with her?

George: No, that’s disgusting.

Season 4, The Pick

(George is telling Jerry he suspects his girlfriend of ‘faking’)

George: She’s faking.

Elaine: Who’s faking?

George: Nothing.

Elaine: Faking what?

George: Nobody’s faking

Elaine: Faking orgasms?

George: She’s not faking…

Elaine: How can you tell?

George: I know, I can tell. It’s one of my powers. Why? Did you ever fake?

Elaine: Of course.

Jerry: Really?

George: You faked?

Elaine: On occasion.

Jerry: And the guy never knows?

Elaine: No.

Jerry: How could he not know that?

Elaine: Because I was gooood.

Jerry: I guess after that many beers he’s already pretty groggy anyway.

Elaine: Ha ha…You didn’t know.

Jerry: What?

Elaine: You didn’t know.

Jerry: Are you saying…

George: (To waitress) I think I’ll have a piece of cake.

Jerry: …with me?

Elaine: Well…

Jerry: You faked with me?

Elaine: Yeah.

Jerry: You faked, with me?

Elaine: Yep.

Jerry: No.

Elaine: Yeah.

Jerry: You faked?

Elaine: I faked.

Jerry: The whole thing, the whole production, it was all an act?

Elaine: Not bad, huh?

Jerry: What about the breathing? The panting? The moaning? The screaming?

Elaine: Fake, fake, fake and fake.

Season 5, The Mango

1993- Seinfeld wins the Emmy for ‘Outstanding Comedy Series’. In the same year, David marries Laurie Lennard, and the pair go on to have two daughters, Cazzie and Romy.

Jerry: I'm telling you right now, Elaine, this guy's gonna dangle that dress in front of you like a dirt farmer dangles a carrot in front of a mule.

Elaine: Well, this is all very flattering…

Jerry: Like a shark fisherman with a bucket of chum.

Elaine: Okay.

Jerry: Like a shrimp farmer…

Elaine: Okay!

Season 7, The Wig Master

1998 - Returns to Seinfeld to write the series finale, having left the show after the seventh season.

1998 – Writes and directs Sour Grapes, a film about two cousins at war over casino winnings, to almost universally bad reviews. Critic Roger Ebert goes as far as to say ‘I can’t easily remember a film I’ve enjoyed less’.

1999- Films an HBO comedy special about his return to stand-up, featuring a mix of old and new material. Surrounded by real and fictional characters, the show evolves into Curb Your Enthusiasm.

‘The closest I ever came to death was when I masturbated with a 104 degree temperature. I had the flu and I was sweating, I was under the covers, I was shivering, and the sweat was running down, I couldn’t even raise my arm hardly. And all of a sudden it started to drift down, and I’m dieing here, and the next thing I know, boom, boom, boom, you know? And then oh my God I thought I was dead, I saw the white light, I started drifting towards the white light, and then there’s my uncle going, “Oh my God, you’re disgusting, what in the hell is the matter with you?” ’

‘This is actually a great time for me to cheat on my wife, because of that whole Clinton scandal, because she was such a staunch supporter of the guy, that what’s she gonna say? I could do whatever I want, come on! Did Clinton actually think he was gonna get blowjobs from a Jew and get off Scot free? The guy obviously was never with a Jew before, he thinks he’s gonna get blowjobs? BLOWJOBS?  From a Jewish woman? And that’s gonna be the end of it, no consequences? What is he crazy?’

‘Let me ask you a question, who do you think has more freedom? The married man in America or the single man in Communist China? I gotta go for the single guy in Communist China. It’s no contest. I mean I’m a married guy in America, I can leave the country but I can’t leave my house. They can’t leave the country but they can leave the house. I’ll go for that, I like that better. I’m not going to Europe, where the hell am I going?’

2000- The first series of Curb Your Enthusiasm airs on HBO, with David starring as an exaggerated version of himself. “We all have the good thoughts and the bad thoughts, we just think them and don’t say them. But the bad thoughts are funny.”

(Larry has written an obituary for Cheryl’s Aunt in the newspaper)

Larry: What? What?

Cheryl: What? We got a paper, that’s what.

Cheryl’s Dad: “Devoted sister, beloved cunt”? That’s what you put in the paper?

Larry: (Horrified) This is a typo! That’s “aunt”, it should be “aunt”.

Cheryl: Did Jeff look at this before he turned it in?

Larry: No, they have proofreaders at these places!

Cheryl’s Dad: The woman leads a decent life and this is how she ends up? “Beloved cunt?” My wife is upset, I’m just glad you weren’t in charge of the headstone.

Larry: Oh my God, I meant “beloved aunt”, not “beloved cunt”.

Cheryl: Larry…

Cheryl’s Dad: Don’t keep saying it.

Season 1, Beloved Aunt

(A neighbour of Larry’s has asked him if he can introduce him to Julia Louis-Dreyfus)

Larry: What's the guy, 4 years old? He's got to meet Julia Louis-Dreyfus! What kind of person is that?

Cheryl: He's a fan.

Larry: What does he expect to gain from such a meeting? What does he think? He's gonna go over there, she's gonna be so charmed by him that all of a sudden they'll start becoming friends? They'll talk on the phone and go out to dinner together, go to the movies? What, start e-mailing each other? Summer vacations? Is he out of his fucking mind?

Season 1, The Wire

Jeff: All of the women at HBO, they don't want to work with you.

Larry: Oh, come on. That's ridiculous.

Jeff: They think you're a misogynist.

Larry: Why, 'cause I called the guy a cunt? So what!

Jeff: 'Cause you called the guy a cunt.

Larry: Big deal, I call men pricks all the time, men want to work with me.

Jeff: Well, cunt's worse.

Larry: Cunt's not worse. Pricks and cunts, they're equal. Pricks, cunts, come on. They balance out.

Jeff: No, cunt is worse. Cunt's much heavier.

Larry: Why? Why is cunt heavier?

Jeff: I never questioned, it just is.

Larry: That's sexist to me! Come on.

Season 2, The Shrimp Incident

(Larry is ordering in Starbucks)

Larry: I’ll have one of the vanilla bullshit things, you know, whatever you want. Some vanilla bullshit, latte cappa thing…you know, whatever you got. I don’t care.

Season 2, Shaq

(Larry has a flat tire and is unable to fix it)

Larry: (to various passers-by) You know anything about changing a tire? Wanna help me change a tire here? No? I could use a little help. I need a little assistance. I never took a shop class, and I need a little help. Ok, I'm just coming flat out and saying 'help me'. Anybody want to help a semi-retarded individual change a tire? 25, 30 dollars. 30 dollars to change this tire. 35 dollars to change this tire right now.

I'll give you 10 dollars for a verbal response. 10 dollars. Anybody want to make 10 dollars and respond verbally? No?

Season 2, Thor

(Larry is thanking a colleague for his pool party)

Larry: I saw your son at the pool…kid’s got some penis on him, it’s pretty good!

Hugh: What? What are you saying?

Larry: Your son…his penis…

Hugh: What? What are you saying that it’s big for?

Larry: Hey it’s a compliment, what’s the big deal?

Hugh: What’s the compliment?

Larry: Well how’s it bad? He’s got a nice big penis, so what?

Hugh: ‘Well I’m not talking about your wife’s tits am I? This is rude

Larry: You can say my wife has nice tits, as long as it’s complementary

Season 3, The Nanny From Hell

(At the grand opening of his restaurant, the Tourette’s afflicted chef Larry has hired, makes a sudden outburst)

Restaurant Chef: Fuckhead shitface cocksucker asshole son of a bitch!

(The restaurant falls silent)

Larry: (Remembering seeing some high school students support a kid with cancer) Maybe one day I'll get a chance to do something good for somebody like that.

Larry: (Aloud) Scum-sucking motherfucking whore!

Jeff: Cock! Cock! Jism! Grandma! Cock!

Michael York: Bum! Fuck, turd, fart... cunt, piss, shit, bugger and balls!

Restaurant Manager: Dammit... hell... crap... ssssssshit!

Cheryl: Ya goddamn motherfuckin' bitch!

Susie: (Thinking Cheryl is yelling at her) Fuck you, you car wash cunt! I HAD A DENTAL APPOINTMENT!

Cheryl's Dad: Fellatio, cunnilingus, french kissing! Rimjob.

Richard Lewis: Pussy pig fucker!

Jeff’s Dad: Boy cock, girl cock, E-I-E-I-O!

Season 3, The Grand Opening

2003 – Curb Your Enthusiasm wins the Golden Globe for ‘Best Television Comedy’.

(Larry is talking to Sven, a golfer at his club)

Larry: All right. What is that? Is that Swedish? Sven?

Sven: It’s Norwegian.

Larry: I’m sorry. I thought Sven was a Swedish name.

Sven: It’s not. Because I don’t look Swedish, do I? It’s a big difference.

Larry: Apparently. What’s the difference? May I ask?

Sven: Culture, looks, names, history, food.

Larry: Okay. Okay. Sorry. Honest mistake.

Sven: Dancing.

Larry: Are Swedes touchy if you refer to them as Norwegians?

Sven: Why don’t you ask a Swede?

Larry: Yeah, maybe I will.

Season 4, The 5 Wood

2005- Takes part in Earth To America, a 2005 TV special to raise environmental awareness featuring a roster of comedians including Seinfeld star Julia Louis Dreyfus.

‘My mother hated animals. All of them If she had her way, she would kill every living animal on the planet. She looked at extinction as a good thing. When an animal was put on the endangered species list she went out and got drunk. “Let ‘em all die, who needs ‘em, what good are they doing? There was nothing in nature we appreciated. Sunsets were mocked. The moon in particular held no fascination for anyone. I don’t ever heard anyone even use it in a sentence.’

(Earth To America)

2007- Larry’s wife files for divorce, the pair having previously announced an amicable separation.

‘The guy doesn’t have a romantic bone in his body, and that is the truth. He’s much more romantic to his TV wife. I knew when I married him that I wasn’t getting that. He is the kind of guy who would go out on Christmas Eve to the mall looking for something.’

(Laurie David, Curb Your Enthusiasm: The Book)

(To an African American woman)

Larry: So your last name is Black?

Loretta: Yes

Larry: That’s like if my last name was Jew- Larry Jew

Season 6, Meet the Blacks

2008- Filming begins on Woody Allen’s comedy Whatever Works in which David stars as an eccentric, entangled in a series of love stories.