Timmy Mallet

Where do you keep your mallet, or have you got loads?

No, there’s only one, and it comes out whenever I do a show.It goes through a service every now and again. The fabric starts to wear a bit thin after hitting a few million heads.

Have you ever hit anybody and made them cry?

No, the only time someone’s cried is when they haven’t been hit. Back in the days of Wacaday I would line up people after the show and give them a bash on the head and an autograph, but after a few hundred I’d need a break.

You once twatted Margaret Thatcher. How did she react?

It was a Christmas party for the children of MPs and the Prime Minister made her appearance and said: ‘Oh, what’s that?’ pointing at the mallet. ‘It’s the mallet,’ I said. ‘What does it do?’ she asked. ‘It does this’ – Boff! The Prime Minister was fine with it really, and knew that if she got a bash on the head it would make the papers.

Do you and Dame Edna Everage borrow each other’s glasses?

No, but she uses the same place I do for the really unusual designs. There’s a company called Anglo American that will make any individual frame. So I’ve got a pair of glasses with the big mallet flying off them, and another that says Wacaday on the top.

We were all big fans of the Wide Awake Club, and of Michaela Strachan. Did you ever kiss her?

Aww, lovely Michaela. That’ll have to remain a secret. She’s a good friend of mine and she’s just lovely. You know there’s a secret song on the Scouting For Girls album about being in love with Michaela Strachan. We went to see them in Brighton at the Dome and the record company said to them, ‘You have to get her up on stage to sing with you,’ but they were too scared to ask her.

Whenever you hear ‘Itsy Bitsy…’ now do you cringe?

I love it! And I’ve nearly learned the words, ha ha. When I’m doing a show the one thing people want to hear is ‘Itsy Bitsy…’, preferably with some bikini-clad lovelies. It’s a nice job I have, really.

Is the itsy bitsy polka dot bikini your favourite variety?

As long as the girl wearing it is curvy, that’s good enough for me.

What’s the funniest thing that’s happened to you on tour?

I came on dressed as Headmaster Timmy once on a Back To School night, and asked, ‘Does anybody need a wacaday?’ Loads of guys immediately stood up and pulled down their trousers.

Is it true you once rescued a woman from a lake?

Yeah. I pulled Geraldine Holland out of the Marina at Hartlepool. I was doing panto in Hartlepool and had just gone off to bed when the wife said, ‘Is that someone crying for help or is it just a seagull?’ She opened the window and I could hear someone calling, ‘Help!’ I ran downstairs and out into the snowy, cold, frozen wastes. I remember thinking, ‘I’ve got two shows tomorrow.’ But I pulled her out of the water and we’ve been in contact ever since.

Good work, what else might we not know about you?

I ring the church bells for my local church. It’s tediously dull to watch, but it’s interesting and unusual and quirkily British.

Join Timmy in his quest to find the missing Monster Munch puppets and win £5,000 reward. Go to www.findourmonsters.com for details.