Kevin Bishop

Kevin Bishop is not quite himself. In fact, he never is. Before I've even drunk half a pint, he's been Frank Spencer, Chris Eubank and, most bizarrely of all, Peter Andre. He's basically a dial-a-pisstake, Alistair McGowan's evil, mutated twin, a man on a mission to rip the piss out of everyone. Best of all though, he's very funny. With The Kevin Bishop Show currently on screens, and Star Stories back later this year, we ensnared the comic imp and got him - via some impressions, of course - to answer your questions.

Have any of the celebrities you've taken the piss out of been in touch? Did they find it funny, or try to sue you? Dean, Norwich
Funnily enough no, none of the celebrities have been in touch, except Simon Cowell. He loved his episode, but then he's quite vain, so he probably liked his portrayal. The only bad stuff we did on him was pull his trousers up high. I don't think Tom Cruise would've liked his episode as we ripped the piss out of Scientology. But in answer to your question about being sued, no.

Have you filmed any scenes too offensive to show? Barry, Newquay
Yes, Fred West Side Story. My show's all based around TV, and this is an advert on it. It says [adopts toastmaster voice]: 'New show at London's glittering West End: Fred West Side Story - with all your favourite songs!' It opens up with the young victim singing, 'I feel perky/ Oh so perky/ I feel perky and happy and gay/ but I don't have a place... to stay. ' And then Fred come on and sings, 'Why don't you live at Cromwell Street, come down and live at Cromwell Street, it's lots of fun down at Cromwell Street, we'll put you in a cupboard and eat your feet...' I've got a feeling that sketch will probably see the light of day.

Was it a comedown working on Doctors after sharing the screen with Kermit [in '96's Muppets Treasure Island]? Lenny, Brighton
Thanks, Lenny! Yeah, basically, my whole career post-1996 has been a comedown. You don't get much better than being the lead in a motion picture film with The Muppets. Now, even with my own show on Channel 4, it's still a comedown. To this day, I've never seen that episode of Doctors, and even if it's pretty shit like The Bill or something, I usually watch it - but I haven't seen that.

Did the NatWest ads pay on time? If not, did you charge them interest? Martin, via email
No they didn't, they were shockingly late. I didn't charge them interest, but I'm going to up my fee for the next few that I do.

Who is the rankest looking girl you've ever pulled? Eoin, Forest Green
I can't answer that question. I'll get in trouble. I'll tell you the story when you're older. She was really bad [grimaces]. Stayed with me...

You were in Spoons. Is this your favourite sex position? Ian, Morecombe
No, doggy.

What's the most outrageous sketch you've ever written? Olly, Manchester

I wrote a sketch once about a guy who lived in South Africa, who was always drunk and had a penchant for beautiful black woman. He would say [adopts drunken Springbok accent], 'I've been in the secret service since 1982 and I think what this place needs is some beautiful black women. I once met this beautiful woman who was so black, she was almost blue. I'm not just talking pretty. I'm talking Floella fucking Benjamin.' Channel 4 read it and shit themselves. They didn't say it was racist, they just said it didn't fit in the sketch show that I'd been hired to be in.

I saw you play Dudley Moore on stage. Do you have a favourite Dudley anecdote? David, Ipswich

Barry Cryer used to write with Dudley Moore and he told me this story about when he was with Dudley Moore on Westminster Bridge. [Does squawkish Dudley voice] 'Now Barry, I've got this audition tomorrow. I've got a flight to LA. It's this American film called Ten.' And they said goodbye and Barry's thinking it would be the last he'd see of Dudley for a very long time. Years later, Barry was in a bar at the BBC and he heard this shriek, 'Cryer! Lager!' and this hand came through a crowd of people. And it was Dudley with a pint of lager. That was a great anecdote.

What's your weirdest showbiz moment? Adam, Mile End

On The Bill they get extras from the street if they run out of proper ones. I was looking over my lines and this guy came up to me and said, 'You got lines, innit? I could do lines. What would you do if I taxed them off you and walked up to the director and said, [imitates reading lines] "You got the wrong guy officer, I never done nothing." What would you do if the director said, "Oh my God, that guy is so much better than you." And he took the lines off you and gave them to me? Would you be vexed?' I stood there thinking, 'What the fuck?' and the guy comes back and goes, 'I wouldn't do that. But d'you know what? If I was an actor I wouldn't be doing the fucking Bill. I'd be doing Goodfellas. I'd be De Niro or something. So stop doing this and just fucking do that... prick.'