Best and Worst of Fringe festival

1. Tim Vine  - I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll 
tell you what, never again.

2. David Gibson as Ray Green – I'm currently dating a couple of
 anorexics. Two birds, one stone.

3. Emo Philips – I picked up a hitch hiker. You gotta when you hit 
them.

4. Jack Whitehall – I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands
 when they first came out. I say bought - I actually stole it off a short,
fat ginger kid.

5. Gary Delaney – As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't 
afford a dog.

6. John Bishop – Being an England supporter is like being the 
over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day.

7. Bo Burnham – What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch?
Names.

8. Gary Delaney – Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath 
in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it¹s what he would have wanted.

9. Robert White – For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: 
empty.

10. Gareth Richards – Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to
 prepare food, or if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on
 one and walk into a pub.

Some of the worst jokes told at this year’s Fringe include:
Sara Pascoe – Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other
 side.


Sean Hughes – You know city-centre beat officers... Well are they police 
who rap?


Gyles Brandreth – I’ve got nothing against lesbians. I mean, that’s the
 point isn¹t it?
Doc Brown – I was born into the music industry. My dad worked in Our
 Price.
John Luke Roberts – I made a Battenberg where the two colours ran alongside
 each other. I called it apartheid sponge.


Sarah Millican  – I bought a cross-trainer to keep fit. I suppose that it's
 not enough to just buy it.


Bec Hill – Some of my best friends are vegan. They were going to come today
 but they didn’t have the energy to climb up the stairs.


Dan Antopolski  – How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? 
Juan.
Andi Osho – Floella Benjamin is in the House of Lords. How did she get in,
 through the round window?


Gareth Richards – My mother is always taking photographs of me; she said if
 you disappear tomorrow I want you to look good on the news.


Emo Phillips – I like to play chess with bald men in the park although 
it’s hard to find 32 of them.